Mitt Romney’s GOP Convention Speech — Paraphrased

“I’m Mitt Romney and I want to be your President! Like, really bad.”

 

The Horn was lucky enough to recieve an advance copy of Mitt Romney’s prepared remarks for tonight’s official acceptance of his Party’s nomination for President.

Given the length, we truncated and translated Governor Mr. Romney’s remarks so everyone can fully appreciate his message…

 
 

How’s everyone doing tonight? I asked ‘How’s everyone doing tonight?’ (lukewarm applause).

YOU BUILT THAT!!!! (crowd goes nuts).

Gentlemen and Gentlemen, I take great pleasure in standing here tonight, your nominee for Vice-President of the…PRESIDENT of the United States.

You know, before I came on stage, I looked at my beautiful wife and said, “Ann Romney, Mitt Romney is shaking in his garments.” She replied “Mitt Romney, you’ve been running for President for 7 years! When push comes to shove, just remember…you’re white.”

All joking aside, I just wish I came to you under better circumstances; well better for you– I’m doing just fine. But the state of our Union is crumbling, and it couldn’t be more evident than in the overly-negative campaign run by my opponent. There is no room in these important times for mud-slinging, name-calling, and harmful, distracting allegations.

But as you know, our country has been kidnapped. She’s bound and cuffed in some weird leather-strapped sexual device, and dropped down a well with a bucket and lotion. Her captor is Barack Obama, and the black arm of Socialism. If you’re a small business owner, gun-owner, God-fearing Christian, rich, successful, hard-working middleclass family, a corporation, or even if you’re alive…then you’re in danger of being crushed by that Big Brother’s arm. Wait…phrasing.

Bottom line, President Obama promised Hope and Change, and he failed to deliver! He hoped to convince us all to put the needs of our nation over the financial needs of the very few. He wanted us to change and stop playing obstructionist games that hurt us all. He failed.

Even worse, Barack Obama’s philosophy that government belongs to all Americans is just flat-out un-American. Government is responsible for all of the ills plaguing society. Big Government stands in the way of free enterprise, free religion, free speech and freedom to be free. It’s a horrible body that stands in the way of a healthy America. I am here begging you to lead that body.

Now, I understand you all hated the idea of a Romney presidency for a long time — shoot you even wanted Bachmann, Cain, Newt and Butt-juice Santorum instead of me. But I sincerely think I changed enough over the years to convince you I’m here to help.

At the very least, I’m your last best chance to beat Those People and force your agenda upon the rest of the country.

The Liberal media will say that’s racist, but it’s just a fact that Obama spends money he doesn’t have. And how many times have we told you Obama ended welfare requirements? Now, anyone can just sit on their backside and not work all day, probably listening to that rap music. I know it’s not true, but it’s definitely not racist.

Together, we can take this country back from the Big Brotha who wants government to belong to everybody!

But to do that, I need you to support me blindly and applaud every time I say AMERICA! Together, we can look the other way and ignore the lame-stream media and their attacks on that whole tax records thing. It’s not important that I made a ton of money and found many ways to “protect” my success through loopholes and off-shore, tax-sheltering accounts. It’s all legit. I’m good with calculations. Trust me.

Remember America, our economy is in the ghetto–I mean gutter. Sure Republicans have spent at least 4 years obstructing government intentionally to hurt the economy and ensure American displeasure, but tonight we’re just going to blame this President for taking away your FREEDOM!

The Federal deficit has grown 100-fold since he took office. Sure this number is false, but it feels right. And while there’s no correlation between balancing the Federal budget and a good economy, we’re still going to roll with that for a while. America!

In case you forgot, I’m a businessman. I’ve done things with business, in a business-like manner with other businesses. And you know what? I BUILT THAT!…because Business.

Paul Ryan and I have plans for making America great and saving you from the man who hates your success. I’ll share those plans with you…AFTER we’re elected a second time. There’s no reason to give the Democratic/Liberal media machine a chance to “pick through” our plans for lies and inconsistencies. Plus, this crowd isn’t exactly a big “fact crowd” anyway…am I right?

But poor, small business. Man, are you suffering under this President. Just know that a Romeny/Ryan presidency will help you get strong again. But not anything like when Obama said government and society helped you succeed; nothing like that. In fact, we’re not going to do a single thing to help. YOU BUILT THAT on your own. With no government help. And no roads. And no bridges. And no public services. Trust me.

Rest assured, unlike our un-American president, I want Americans to be employed…I’m a job creator. Just ask China, India and Korea, after all, I’ve been creating jobs there for years. And under the Romney/Ryan plan, over 12 million new jobs will be created here at home. Of course, they won’t be government jobs as we’ll slash those like crazy, but instead we’ll just trust Big Business to do us a solid. Win-win.

Foreign policy under this President? Boy, I don’t know. It’s been a disaster. Sadly, America lost it’s treasured status in the world. I can’t think of a single example of how this is actually true, but a Romney/Ryan presidency will fix it. I think I proved that in London…well no…Israel…oh, right…well…Trust me.

See unlike the man who’s already been President for 4 years, I  actually have the experience it takes to be President. I have the experience to fix this horrible economy where he failed. Of course Obama’s big failure was the inability to get Republicans to vote for anything that could help our country and reflect favorably upon Democrats; obviously, that won’t be a problem for me.

I could point to my experience as Governor, but then you’d probably ask about my liberal record and that Massachusetts ranked 47th in the country for job creation during my tenure. It would also evoke images of the universal healthcare plan I pioneered. But remember, that doesn’t make ME a socialist devil, because, well…YOU BUILT THAT!!!

I could say something here about my experiences at Bain Capital, but that would remind you that I made billions “fixing” businesses by gutting costs, cutting jobs and shipping them overseas. Hey, outsourcing corporations are people too, my friend. Us Republicans won’t stand for anyone hating on our success!

I’d mention how I went in and saved the Olympics, but then you think of Utah, and then you remember I’m a Mormon, and that 99% of this room frickin’ hates Mormons.

But in the end, remember this:

I promise to completely ignore poverty and do my best to ensure income equality remains as egregious as possible.

I promise to thwart civil rights for homosexuals, ensuring they’ll never join the military or in holy matrimony.

I promise to protect Freedom of Speech. Secular Americans can’t tell us who we can hate, what facts we can ignore, or who we  can take away civil rights from!

I promise to do my damndest to keep immigrants from earning a living. The American dream only belongs to Americans!

Minorities…shoot, are there any of those here? Hey Herman, I see you buddy…hope you have a driver’s license!

I promise to take away a woman’s right to choose, and find as many ways to force things upon her as possible. I also promise to end Planned Parenthood, even though 97% of their services involve healthcare and preventative care for women. You know how us Mormons put our wives on pedestals.

I promise to end Obamacare on day 1, and completely ignore the cost-of-heath-care issue by passing it off as a State’s rights matter.

I promise to end ALL government regulations on business, including those environmental regulations that save people, but kill jobs. Robber Barons are people too, my friend.

I promise to cut as many taxes as possible for the wealthy and for corporations. The richer they are, the richer everyone else becomes. Just ask my housekeeper(s). And my doorman. But not the gardener. Trickle-down just isn’t a prostate condition, it’s an economic windfall.

I also promise to loosen as many restrictions on the financial world as possible. It just makes sense…to someone. After all, how can we succeed as a nation if our banks can’t take gargantuan risks with our deposits?

I promise to support just about any issue that pleases the crowd I’m with. After all, America has a lot of ideas, so it’s not disingenuous for me to pretend to share those same beliefs…if it works.

I promise to continue to meld social policy and fiscal policy into one big unrecognizable mesh, and ensure everyone – rich and religious alike – feels welcome under our Big Tent. Together we’ll pledge to do whatever it takes to defeat the un-American American government that stands in their way of everyone’s financial and moral success.

Most of all, I promise to continue alleging patently false assertions, with little regard for “fact-checkers. But I need you America! to repeat what I say like a mantra. After all, together we can only fix this country with talking-points and misleading catchphrases.

Vote for me. Please.

I just want to be President. Like really bad.

God Bless America (like he blessed me).

Goodnight!