Crap you should read Wednesday



Lifting the Ban is FABULOUS!

California — The 9th Circuit Court ruled that Cali’s ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional. In its fabulous ruling, the court explained: “Proposition 8 served no purpose, and had no effect, other than to lessen the status and human dignity of gays and lesbians in California”. While it doesn’t legalize same-sex marriages, it’s at least a HUGE step to stopping asshole homophobes who put their own personal discomfort over letting two adults choose who they want to spend the rest of their life with.

"Hell No! We Won't Go! Hell No! We.....hold one sec, my friend just posted something about kittens. HeHe. 'LIKE!'"


Catholic Church v Obama

Washington DC — The Catholic Church declared war on President Obama over his recent revision to the Health Care reform that requires ALL insurance providers to cover free birth control and even sterilization. Naturally the Church frowns upon these things, so they’re calling on their 70 million Catholic Americans to rise up against the President. The White House says they’re open to compromise, but I can’t imagine they’ll back down too greatly considering seriously religious people are voting Republican anyway, and a recent study found 98% of Catholics admitted to using birth-control.

"I choose....wait, where's the blue pill? Trinity??!?!!??"

Rick Rolling Across the Heartland

Minn, Mizzou, Colorado–Rick Santorum must be GOPing in his pants right now. Slick Rick won all 3 primary states last night as Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado all opted for Santorum over the robotic guy the media insists is the presumptive nominee, and that other old crumudgeon who gets all the air time. This has to suck for Romney, because no matter how much money he and his friends spend, he’s actually getting less votes in some of these states than he did in 2008. A recent Washington Post poll shows that 2 to 1, the more people learn about Rombot, the less they like/trust the guy. As for Santorum, he’s the only candidate actually discussing the issues and how he’d handle them, rather than just slinging mud and hitting lobbyist bullet points. It’s just a shame every single stance he takes is dead wrong. Oh well, can’t win ’em all.

"America, Get...In...My...Belly...."


Britain Begging for Importance

Persian Gulf — Britain had to beg the US to join the Iran flotilla sent out to protect the Straits of Hormuz from Iran. The US could do it alone, and didn’t need any help, but then Obama let his buhhh-dee, French President Nicolas Sarkozy, join in the fun. When England heard that France was sending ships, they just HAD to be involved too…for “appearances”. This basically means Great Britain would have been emasculated on the world stage and would have to change their name to “Pretty Good Britain”.

England's firepower isn't impressive, but a marshmallow gun brings out Barry's "Oh Face"


 No Jammies Allowed

New Orleans — The Caddo Parrish Commissioner is fighting hard for a ban on wearing pajamas in public. He wants to bring old-school respect back to society, saying “Are we going to do let this generation tell us what to do, or are we going to be leaders and lead this community?”. This has to be one of the dumbest laws ever proposed. Does he really want authorities to waste time deciding what are/aren’t pajamas? I sleep in the nude, is it all of a sudden going to be illegal to walk around naked in public? Wait…what? Since when?

Arrest these hooligans!


Does this taste like Asparagus?

Los Angeles — Did you hear the one about the elementary school teachers who fed their students spoonfuls of semen? Well you just did. Among other troubling abuses, these teachers fed their students spoonfuls of semen during mock “taste-tests” and even glazed their food with it. Seriously, this happened. There are pics of it. The teachers were both arrested, but then the school overreacted and fired the ENTIRE staff. Was it staff policy to add this natural protein to the curriculum?  Not for nothing, but is it really smart in the middle of the year to staff the school with all previously unemployed teachers?

"It's Elmers Glue....swear"


Order to Date

Broward Co — A Florida Judge ordered a man accused of domestic abuse, to “go home, pick up his wife, get dressed, take her to Red Lobster. And then after they have Red Lobster, they’re going to go bowling.” The Judge said he feels the couple was bickering because they lost their “spark”, and if the abuse was serious, he wouldn’t have issued such a ruling. Maybe he would have sent them to Capital Grill.

"Better watch yourself sir, otherwise I'm going to order you to go down on her too"


Crap you should Watch

  • A couple local hockey teams were told that a documentary was filming their game for a special on adult rec leagues. What they didn’t know was that Budweiser was setting up a “Flash Mob” of fans, cameras and a production crew to fill the place and pretend it’s a real NHL game. Frickin’ awesome.
  • This old lady on a SEPTA bus in Philly completely rips into some chick on the bus TRYING to start a fight. This lady is either trying to commit suicide by proxy, or she just joined Fight Club.


  • Watch these two guys sneak into a rhino paddock for some fun. One giggles like a moron while the other balls-up and rides the rhino. If YOU want to ride the Ryno, inquire within.


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  1. I thought you’d say more about the prop 8 ruling yesterday. It may not be a big deal everywhere, but it was a big deal here… Oh wait, that’s because I’m in Cali. Is that a biased execration??

    In regards to the Vatican going to arms against the birth control issue, is that any different than the Ron Paul camp? They’re both just saying, “don’t force shit down our throats!” *unless it’s OUR policy*

    • I don’t really agree with you Vatican/Libertarian comparison. This isn’t a personal freedom issue. No one is forcing an individual to USE birth control, its just saying that if you are in the business of providing insurance, you’re expected to cover certain things. That’s all. Has NOTHING to do with hindering religion, or forcing the church’s hand, or shoving anything down anyone’s throat (they dont need condoms for that). And for an ENTIRE organization to call for a boycott against a President because he wants to stop the spread of disease and over-population is RIDICULOUS. “Don’t vote for the guy who wants you to have safe sex!!!”

      I find it funny when I hear a religious organization saying government goes too far in controlling your life…isn’t that their entire business?