Jermito’s Strange World

Jermito's Freaky Girl of the Week

 

By, Jermito

 

This edition of Jermito’s Strange World is dedicated exclusively to a small town in the panhandle of Florida called Niceville (est. population 12,000). Sure, Bloomberg might have named it one of the best places to raise your kids in 2012, but maybe they should rename it Strangeville or maybe Jermito-ville based on the bizarre articles I found about this place. So many strange and disturbing stories occur in this one small city. So put Niceville (formerly “Boggy”) on top of my bucket-visit list so I can see  what all the fuss is about. I hear the Boggy Bayou Mullett Festival draws in thousands of people a year, I’m not even kidding….

A big Thank You to the Northwest Florida Daily News for all of these gems!!!


 

Free Guns at Walmart

Niceville — After a little shopping adventure at the local Walmart, a nice husband and wife duo returned to their car. On her way to the door, the wife accidentally knocked something off the back bumper…a loaded .22 caliber chrome Ruger revolver. They called the cops, but the gun was “clean”. Who leaves a gun on someone’s bumper?

Full Story : Couple finds loaded handgun on bumper of car at Walmart

Chinese Harry Potter LOVES Walmart's gun selection

 

License, Registration and Condoms??

Niceville — A few signs that you might have had way too much to drink last night:

  • You pull your car over on the side of the road and pass out
  • You’re woken by the cops at 5 am
  • When asked, you tell the cops you’re in Destin when you’re clearly in Niceville
  • When asked for your driver’s license, you give them a pair of sunglasses (twice)
  • When asked a third time, you hand them a box of condoms
  • Then you hand them a still cold, half-full Fosters Beer from the center console
  • Then you justify by saying you “opened it earlier but hadn’t drank much of it”

True story…..It didn’t help that the kid was only 20. At least he got a free ride to station where they charged him with DWI.

Full Story: Intoxicated man gives officers condom box

Just need to be safe

 

Burnin’ Drunk

Niceville – In early January, firefighters were called to a house fire where they found a 52 year old man passed out on his couch in a smoke-filled living room. The fire likely started from the smoldering Hot-Pockets forgotten in the microwave. Oops. 12 beers and a .333 BAC will do that to a man.

The fire was extinguished and the drunk, black-lunged man was given some much needed medical attention. I’m sure we’ll see his name on the Liver Transplant List any day now.

Full Story – Man found passed out from 12 beers while his home burns

He has nice friends

 

Considerate Addict

There are still some nice considerate people out there; too bad they are drug users. 32 year old Phillip Tucker was pulled over by the cops for not wearing his seatbelt. The cops suspected Tucker had drugs in the car, so they brought over the K9 unit to confirm. The dog went nuts, slobbered all over the car, but then Phillip did the unthinkable.

Rather than go with the standard “Those aren’t mine” or “I don’t know how those got in there”, he opted for “Let me show you where the needles are, I don’t want anyone getting stuck”. He then showed the police his black backpack with 28 syringes, some marijuana and four pills.

Sorry Phil, No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Full Story: Deputies find 28 syringes…..

It's not mine!

 

Church Jerkin’

Niceville – We all know that Church can be boring, especially if you are a 14 year old boy. Without a phone to text on or a DS Lite to play with, what’s a kid to do?

Well one horn-y Niceville teen decided to start Jerkin for the Lord. This kid was seen by 5 different witnesses, in two different Sunday Morning Services. He told police he was “playing with it because he was bored” (like there is any other reason). He was charged with indecent exposure and lewd and lascivious behavior.

What baffles my mind is that no one did anything when he took it out. Where were his parents? Was anyone sitting next to him? Why didn’t anyone throw a Holy Bible at him? Or tell the Priest – wait maybe that wouldn’t have been such a good idea.

Full Story: Teen charged with indecent exposure while at Church – NWF Daily News

 

Stolen Dildo

Niceville — The Niceville PD must have great stories to tell, but I’m sure this next ditty will make the top 10. It will start off with “Hey Billy-Bob you remember that time we went to that guy’s house because his girlfriend stole his dildo?”

Yes, the cops were actually called out because a man accused his girl (who had been living with him a week) of stealing HIS dildo. I guess it took her less than a week to realize that the dildo was a better lover then he was, so she packed up and left, dildo in hand (I hope).

The man told police he spent $70 on the toy (that seems awful pricey), and told police it wasn’t just for her, but other women as well. The police contacted the woman and after intense orgasmic negotiations, she agreed to return it in exchange for her camera that he still had.  Major crime eluded yet again in Niceville…..

Full Story: Man tells police woman stole his sex toy

Its purple, so its regal

 

Waffle House Changing Room

Niceville — The Waffle House is the Holy Grail for intoxicated/hungover people. Nothing restores life, and absorbs alcohol, better than some waffles. Well, maybe some IHOP pancakes, but I digress…. I’m sure the waitresses have seen just about everything from obnoxious drunks, but then a well-known 50 year old lush decided to use the restaurant as his own personal changing room. Luckily, an employee stepped in and asked the man to do his changing in the bathroom.

He did, and then went outside to “smoke”, but then started banging on the window and screaming obscenities. Enter Niceville PD, who with their stellar detective work, got an admission out of Larry the Lush, who responded “I’m drunk. You know how I am when I’m drunk”.

Larry was arrested for disorderly intoxication and trespassing, but the drunkard was still able to pull a fast one on the cops. When they got to the station, Larry complained of chest pain, cried “seizure” and got himself a ticket to the hospital. Last I checked, that’s a much better place to come down from a hangover. Well played, Larry. Well played.

Full Story: Drunken man disrobes in restaurant

"First available, please..."

 

Freaky Femmes