Crap you should read Thursday

 

 

Senate’s STOCK Options

Those of you who actually paid attention to the President’s State of the Union heard the President call on Congress to pass a bill against Congressional Insider Trading. Seems pretty common sense that Congressmen shouldn’t be able to use their government positions to get a head start on what stocks to buy or sell, but they’ve been doing it for years.

Now the Senate is discussing the Stop Trading on Congressional Knowledge Act (STOCK) which would subject Congressmen to the same laws against insider trading that the rest of America has to follow. Interestingly the bill excludes Lobbyists, so they can still screw the system with the inside information from Congress.

After all these years, why finally do something about it? Perhaps the bill’s co-author Scott Brown is trying to bring some positive attention to his own vicious Massachusetts Senatorial campaign versus Elizabeth Warren. It could also be the  least-liked Congress in history trying to reconnect with the cynical voting public. “See this thing which has always been illegal, is now illegal for us too! Don’t you trust us now?”

"I know what you're all thinking. 'Congress cannot take advantage of their cherished role to make money....so why did I take this job again?'"

 

G.O.P.ing all over Nevada

Florida — So what’s going on in the wonderful world of Republicans lying running for President? Mitt cruised out of Florida with 46.4% of the vote, and hopes to take that momentum with him into Nevada this weekend, followed by Maine, Colorado and Minnesota. Newt’s campaign is hurting, while Santorum pushes ahead for the VP nod. Ron Paul might get a slight boost from Libertarian casino magnates in Nevada, but he’s still a Dead Candidate Walking.

The most disgusting news to come out of Florida (besides Newt’s soiled shorts) is the Super PAC abuse of disgusting, negative ads. Mitt Rombot’s Super PAC spent $15.3 million running 12,768 ads in Florida last month (Newt’s PAC paid $3.4 for 210 ads) and 92% were negative ads slamming his rivals. That means around 11,746 NEGATIVE ads for Romney. So rather than trying to say how good he is (because he isn’t) Romney is going to manipulate, lie and smear his way to the Presidency. Be proud GOP.

"Don't like my opinion today? Push my RESET button America!"

  • Florida exit polls showed 80% of women viewed Mitt favorably, compared to just 45% for Gingrich. It’s at this point Newt realizes that Mormons just marry all their mistresses.
  • 38% of Florida voters are unsatisfied with their options and still want another Republican to jump into the mix.
  • Newt’s campaign is getting sued for Copyright infringement for using Survivor’s Rocky III anthem, Eye of the Tiger. Maybe it’s time to change their song…perhaps Beck’s Loser?
  • The media whore better known as Donald Trump let it be known that today he’ll give his endorsement, but hasn’t said who he’ll endorse yet. Newt put it best, “I don’t know of anybody who does a better job of getting attention by announcing that he will presently announce something.” Oh Donald, its so cute that you think anyone cares what you have to say…ever.
  • The Keystone Pipeline is central to the Republican agenda, but while all Republicans claim an oil pipeline from Canada to the Gulf is integral to the health of America, how do increased profits for oil companies help our country? Job creation? There are other ways to create jobs that help our entire country, like fixing roads, bridges, and crumbling infrastructure. This pipeline will make rich oil people richer…that’s all. Less dependence on foreign oil and energy dependence? Laughable. Oil profits are at an ALL TIME HIGH, and prices continue to climb. Screw you lying oil companies, and the politician puppets you rode in on. 
  • Idiotic/clueless soundbite machine Mitt Romney claims he’s “not concerned about the very poor” because “they have safety nets”. That’s nice of him, especially since his campaign (and all Republicans) call for eliminating those “safety nets” like Medicaid, Social Security, Welfare, Unemployment, etc. Regardless of the “intent” of the statement, Rombot just has a horrible way with words.

 

Worldly Crap

  • Bin Laden death photos may get released because of a Freedom of Information suit brought by conservative group, Judicial Watch. Not sure why everyone needs “proof”, but I’m thinking some Republicans hope UBL is still alive so they have someone to vote for instead of Obama.
  • More than 70 people die and 1000 were injured after Egyptian soccer fans stormed the field when the underdog home team pulled off an upset victory against Egypt’s top club. Many later admitted they were just pissed because soccer sucks.
  • A Federal Court upheld a decision that a Tampa based exploration company must return approx $500 million of recovered treasure to Spain. Although Odyssey Exploration funded the hunt, the 19 tons of coins and treasure came from a Spanish warship, the Nuestra Senora de las Mercedes, sunk by the British in 1804. While it sucks for Odyssey, can you imagine pillaging coins from the USS Arizona in Pearl Harbor?
  • US Spy agencies shared their yearly serious-threat assessments with a Congressional Intelligence Committee, and apparently everyone is worried that Iran is prepared to launch terrorist attacks on US soil. The heightened tension over Iran’s nuclear program, and the resulting sanctions, could push Iran into a corner that they’ll fight out of. The recent attempted assassination of a Saudi Ambassador on US soil, as well as the recent hits on Iran’s nuclear scientists and facilities, and of course the unending Iranian threats, all point in that direction. Other threats discussed included a damaged a-Qaeda, Chinese cyber-espionage, transition of leadership in nuclear-Korea, and the uncertainty for Afghanistan after U.S. forces withdraw.

"No sir. The world will not end if President Obama is re-elected."

 

Other Crap

  • Charles Barkley says the NBA sucks. Sure this was moronic considering who he works for, but he’s the same guy who tried to get out of a DUI by explaining he was rushing to a prostitute who previously gave him the best blowjob ever. My point is, Sir Charles knows a thing or two about sucking.
  • Toilet Texting is on the rise. 75% of Americans use their smartphones on the Crapper. That means 75% of phones have feces. You SURE you want to borrow my iPad?
  • Fear Factor made headlines this week after NBC pulled a segment where contestants drank Donkey semen and urine. Twins Brynne and Claire Odioso, called into a local Tampa Radio show to share their bu-donkey experience. Yes, they verified it much thicker than human sperm, and tasted more bitter, like hay. Somewhere, someone’s  saying “Those are my girls!”

 

Crazy Sheep

This is just something Ewe don’t see everyday (sorry). A group of sheep swirls around a car to keep it from passing. If this was in America, those sheep would have stolen the hubcaps.

Watch: Sheep Cyclone — YouTube.com

 

Bad Ass of…Forever

…goes to Royal Marine David Hart who was killed in action in Afganistan. Before his deployment, Hart took out a $3million life insurance policy, and willed $1million for his family, and almost another $1 million for a charity for disabled Marines.

The remaining $1.2 million he bequeathed to 32 of his friends and their wives to party it up in Las Vegas. They get to celebrate his life in the best way possible, gambling, strip clubs, and Cris Angel. Some will also take home something to remember him further, be it a t-shirt, a 2nd mortgage, or herpes.

In all seriousness, David Hart was awesome; even his last wish was to take care of everyone he cared about. Shoot, all I have to leave my friends are my Dan Marino rookie cards.

We all need more friends like David Hart

 

Hump Day Horniness

Thanks to crappy GoDaddy, you Hornballs were cheated out of some Wednesday Hump Day Horniness.

So here you go, a little something to get you over that Thursday Hump…

Click: Hump Day Horniness — The Ryno’s Horn

Need More?

Click HERE for TWICE AS MANY HUMP DAY HUMPS

or

Click HERE for ALL of Ryno’s Horn-y Girls

Have a Horn-y Hump Day

Speak up! Comment Below or email ryno@therynoshorn.com

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