Crap you should read Tuesday



Oh Hornballs, I’m sorry I left you with no material before the long weekend.  The Horn has been getting optimized (for speed, etc) over the last few days, and its limited my ability to post. Thanks to some good computer-geek friends, the annoying slow load time will be a thing of the past by week’s end. In the meantime, just be patient, and accept the bountiful gifts of wisdom and beauty I bestow upon you.

Are you ready for some Boobsday Crap?


Out of the Hunt

Now that Governor Jon Huntsman is officially done running for President, the Republicans lost their sanest and most rational voice left in the race, (even though that’s kinda like being the skinniest kid at fat camp). It’s even sadder that he’s officially endorsing Mitt Romney. I’d say he was kissing up in hopes of a VP nod, but Amurika can only stomach one Mormon per ticket.

Hunstman finally decided to call it quits because his 3rd place New Hampshire finish wasn’t enough to jumpstart his campaign. He was probably also a little miffed that his poll numbers were equal to Stephen Colbert, who’s not even on the ballot.

Without Huntsman, Republicans held a debate last night (and will hold another on Thursday) to show off their remaining choices: Romney (who Republicans HATED for years until last week), Ron Paul (a Libertarian who scares the crap out of Republicans), Rick Santorum (scares the hell out of everyone) and Newt Gingrich (the only REAL Republican, which is why they don’t like him). I intentionally left Rick Perry off that list, after all, Rick Perry’s mom wouldn’t vote for the moron governor at this point.

In any case, to celebrate Gov Huntsman’s greatest contribution to the campaign, I give you proof that his hot daughters (and the chubby one) know how to use Twitter….

READ: Jon Hunstman’s daughters Twitter Machine pics —

Morman girls like to say "Party"


What do you say, MLK?

Monday was MLK day, and it’s likely that many paid tribute by visiting the new Dr. Martin Luther King memorial on the National Mall. Memorial visitors are greeted with a 30 ft tall sculpture of MLK, as well as some of the Reverend’s most memorable quotes, but if they were hoping for accuracy, maybe they should have hired someone other than the Chinese sculptor to check the English chiseled into the side.

For example, the quote “I was a drum-major for peace, justice and righteousness,” is pissing off many because its a moronic-sounding paraphrase of a quote came from a 1968 sermon at Ebenezer Baptist Church in Atlanta:

“If you want to say that I was a drum major, say that I was a drum major for justice. Say that I was a drum major for peace. I was a drum major for righteousness. And all of the other shallow things will not matter.”

Changes will be made, but why was a shortened “quote” put up on the memorial to last for eternity? Did they think no one would notice? Would they only put “Country/You….You/Country” on a JFK memorial? I’m also still wondering why one of the greatest leaders in the history of African-Americans is carved out of 30 foot tall white stone. Juss sayin….

Read: MLK Inscription to be changed —

Chinese Sculptor, White Stone...the only thing Black about the memorial is that its in Washington DC


More Cruise Bodies Found

Tuscany, Italy — The death toll has now risen to 11, with 29 still missing after the Italian cruise ship Costa Concordia hit a reef, then keeled over partially submerged in 30 feet of water.

Francesco Schettino, is now the most hated man in Italy for causing the largest wreck in history by intentionally bringing the ship too close to shore. Ships were reportedly prohibited from coming within 4 miles of the shore, but Captain Schettino brought the boat within 300 yards of shore for a tribute to a fellow crew member and a head waiter’s family on land nearby.

To make matters worse (or more entertaining for readers), rather than stay with his ship as is custom, Captain Coward abandoned the boat while it sunk — but not before he raided the ship’s safe. The guy was so out of it (or trying to cover his ass) that he only told the Coast Guard that 40 people were on the boat. The Coast Guard ordered Schettino back on the boat, but he steadfastly refused and instead took off. He was later found and arrested.

With their Captain otherwise occupied by greed, cowardice and a desire to be the most hated man in a lifeboat since Billy Zane, the Costa Concordia crew mutinied and enacted measures to save the 4200 passengers on board before the boat sunk further. The quick-acting crew got the lifeboats in water and evacuated the ship while Schettino raided the safe and tried to save his own ass.

As of now, Carnival Cruise Lines (the owner of Costa Concordia) is tasked with removing the ship and all of its fuel before it causes any further ecological damage. Captain Schettino and his First Officer face charges of manslaughter and abandonment. Rumor has it that Jim Cameron is already writing crappy dialogue for the 2013 release.

Read:  Stricken Cruiseliner Captain DID abandon ship while passengers died

1 bedroom, 1 bath, ocean liner view

What rock?


Who is Martin Henderson?

The Golden Globes were boring as all hell, but other than a couple dick-jokes, the one highlight was Peter Dinklage taking home Best Supporting Actor for his turn in my current favorite show on TV Game of Thrones. In his acceptance speech, Dinklage referenced Martin Henderson, and instructed the clueless audience to Google him. I did, and found that Henderson is a 37 year old dwarf actor (Harry Potter) paralyzed after an unknown attacker picked him up and tossed him into the street.

The random act was likely inspired by the bar “craze” midget-tossing. I can’t possibly understand what it takes to have such disdain for another human being that you would pick them up and chuck them down the street. Henderson might be crippled permanently, so hopefully Dinklage’s plea can bring a brutal asshole to justice, or at the very least start an outpouring of support for Henderson.

And go rent Willow, just because.

Love Dinklage

Get Well Soon, Martin Henderson


Where’s Golden Voice Now?

It was a year ago when a local TV news man found Ted Williams panhandling on the side of the road, and introduced us to the Homeless Man with the Golden Voice. Once YouTube got a hold of him, Williams was offered numerous voice-over jobs, and the opportunity to be the voice of the Cleveland Cavs. Unfortunately, those who love alcholol and drugs so much they’d live in a cardboard box don’t exactly give up their vices so easily, so Williams got hammered and disappointed everyone who gave him a second chance.

What’s Teddy doing now? After 2 stints in rehab, the Golden Voice is back and doing very well. Watch the video below to catch up with Ted, and have the awkward feeling of cheering his recovery, while not exactly praising his choice in girlfriends.

Watch: See what happened to the Homeless Man with the Golden Voice — YouTube


How much for that Penis?

California — How much is your penis worth? A California Court awarded Matthew Wall, 27, $7.5 million dollars after an accident forced the removal of part of his penis. Wall was thrown from his motorcycle in San Diego after he was hit by a shuttle bus from a car dealership. Wall’s hip was fractured, and his penis was crushed, causing severe nerve and artery damage. The resulting surgeries left him 1.5 inches shorter where it counts.

Wall’s wife has left him since the accident, and besides probably being unable to have kids, I’m guessing Wall is going to have a hard time (OH!) keeping a girlfriend with his reconstructed dong. Hence the large reward.

Did you have any idea your penis was worth $4.67 million per inch? Big News! I just spoke to my accountant and I’m holding around $37 million in assets.

Read: Man awarded $7.5 million after crash shortens his penis —

Sorry, I know the last story was tough, does this make it better?



Tuesday Boobsday

They’re real, and they’re spectacular.


Have a Horn-y Tuesday


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