Crap you should read Hump Day

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Suck My Caucus 

Iowa — Like soccer, Iowa is only popular every 4 years. But its that time, and The Republican Presidential Primary season kicked off Tuesday in Iowa, as Iowans practiced their “I swear we’re important” ritual known as the first-in-the-nation Caucus. Iowans turned out in record numbers to begrudgingly choose Mitt Romney as their GOP Presidential representative. The Governor “won” Iowa, beating Rick Santorum by 8 frickin votes (30,015 to 30,007).

In the closest vote in Republican Primary history, Romney (24.6%), the Republican “favorite” barely edged out a guy who just a few weeks ago was better known for being synonymous with post anal-sex ass-juice. Santorum’s (24.5%) plan to jumpstart his campaign by shaking every hand in Iowa (and being the only candidate to visit all of Iowa’s 99 counties) paid off as his virtual tie lifted him above recent “He ain’t Mitt” Republican darlings Newt Gingrich (14%) and Rick Perry (10%). Michele Bachmann (4%) and Jon Hunstman (1%, but he didn’t even run in Iowa) barely registered more votes than I did.

No matter the results, the story was already spun for us days ago: Rick Santorum would “surprise” because he annoyed inundated Iowa with himself, and Paul’s passionate supporters would show up in droves…but neither has a “chance to win”. Only Romney’s supporters are “real”, so we should only pay attention to the not-even 1 out of 4 Iowans who voted for him. Face it, the media (and the powers that be that own the media — don’t even give me the liberal media garbage, when 99% of the media is OWNED by the wealthiest people in the world) want Romney as their candidate, so that’s what will happen so long as he doesn’t completely crap his pants.

But let’s not forget how well the last Republican winner, Mike Huckabee, fared…oh yeah, he didn’t make it another couple months. And the guy who came in 2nd last time? His name was Mitt Romney, and back in 2008 he got 25% of the vote…now 4 years later he got less. The fact that 75% of Republicans hate Romney almost makes him appealing, but then I realize who they DID vote for and it kills all their credibility. I can’t wait to see what the next non-representative of the rest of the US state, New Hampshire, has to say!

Read: Iowa Caucus Results — CNN

Mitt: "You guys have Googled him, right? " Â Â Rick: "At least I'm not that guy on the left"

 

Obama, WTF?

What’s up, Brobama? Why did the President sign a bill that authorizes the US to detain terror suspects indefinitely, even if they’re American citizens? Sure we’ve screwed terrorists out of Due Process before (Guantanamo Bay, anyone?) but that was unofficial and they were all foreign born. But now indefinite detention without Due Process is legitimized and can be used against American citizens too. What kind of unconstitutional bullcrap is that?

With just a simple link to “Terrorism”, you too can qualify for indefinite detention! But have no fear, we’re not complete barbarians…you can be up for a “I’m totally sure its legit” review every 3 years. Phew! Fortunately President Obama was nice enough to let us all know through the accompanying “signing statement” that he promises his administration won’t ever hold anyone indefinitely. Oh that’s so nice, because I’m sure every person in charge will NEVER be use that little provision; that’s why its in there, right? To never use it?

Contrary to ignorant popular belief, “Terrorism” can be ANYTHING, not just Arabs or truck bombs. In the future “Terrorism” can/will be used to imprison anyone so long as they “terrorize” someone. Sounds like a perfect way to imprison any government dissenter or critic, or the ones they’re ashamed of. This is the type of law that helps propel fascist dictators to power and Naboo Senators to Galactic Emperors.

Barack, weren’t you the guy who once said you were going to shut down Gitmo for the unconstitutionality lack of Due Process inherent to all men? Forget Obamacare, this is the most harmful action to America the Obama White House has made yet.

Read: General Alarm at New Detention Bill — CourtHouseNews.com

Read: Indefinite Detention of Terror Suspects; Did Obama Sell Out? — Yahoo.com

 

WTF? Afghan National Army

Afghanistan — This next bizarre revelation reeks of wacky propaganda, but its so damn weird it might be true. Apparently soldiers in the Afghan National Army (a euphemism for sheep-herders with guns) have sex with each other on the regular. There are apparently many accounts of soldiers banging each other, either one-on-one, or in orgy fashion. And it’s not just a means to get off in a sexually repressed country, oh no. According to a member of the deposed Royal Family, “Satisfying your brother’s sexual needs, like a blowjob or sex, is a means of relieving his stress so he can be a better fighter.” That’s just good soldiering.

Interestingly, homosexuality apparently isn’t even an issue in Afghan life. It’s weird to think it could be so commonplace in an Islamic country where man-on-man “should be” frowned upon, but the overly sexually repressive nature of the society, as well as the HUGE penalties (death) for banging an unmarried woman, or another man’s wife, daughter or sister (pretty much anyone with boobs), lead soldiers to seek gratification in each others Arms (see what I did there? Soldiers/Arms? Screw you, dummy).

Read the article below for the accounts of soldier gang bangs, sexually-charged hazing rituals, and why “Don’t Ask, Don’t tell” needs to be implemented IMMEDIATELY before Lady Gaga releases an Afghan holiday album.

Read: Guns and Roses — Vice.com

No bro, the pink flowers SCREAM "hetero"

 

Hopefully Chubby Looks Good On You

Good News! If you’re like the millions of women who made a New Year’s resolution to lose those “new” pounds you hate (but your spouse noticed a long time ago), you only have 10 more days left on your diet! It’s not that you’ll lose all the weight you wanted, but because the average New Year’s crash diet lasts only 15 days. Actually only 1 in 5 women reach their target goal, while most get fatter than when you started. According to a study of 2000 women quoted in the Daily Mail:

35 per cent say they end up putting on more weight than they lost in the first place, with an average 4.7 pounds creeping back on post-diet.

So guys, prepare yourself to be listen to your girl talk about how unfair it is that “Society creates all these unrealistic expectations”. Blah blah blah. Stop eating, Fatty.

Read: Trendy crash New Year’s diets likely over in 15 days and leave women weighing more — DailyMail.uk

Almost there

 

Painted Big Bang

The video below is mindblowingly awesome. Not just for it’s abstract view of evolution, but also because of the enormity of the task to create the video itself. This is like the Lord of the Rings of graffiti and stop motion animation. You don’t need to be high (though it might help), but definitely check it out.

Watch: BIG BANG BIG BOOM – the new wall-painted animation by BLU from blu on Vimeo.

 

Katy, I’m Here For You

Brace yourselves Hornballs…Katy Perry and Russell Brand have filed for a divorce. My hands have been shaking for a couple of days, ever since you my dear Horn-y readers, started inundating me with news of the breakup. I’m not one to place blame, but WTF is the matter with you Russell? Why are you such a prick? It must be your fault. Why do you have to be all sober and hate staying out late watching your drunk wife party? I’m sure whatever he did was wrong, and that it had nothing to do with her packing on the pounds and being forced to counter pregnancy rumors with admissions of binging on beer and In N Out Burger.

But ponder this…this man who looks like he eats cigarettes and smokes food got to make love to this awesome chick on the regular, and he’ll get paid up to half of the $45 million she made since they got married. That’s not quite Mel Gibson money (splitting his $850 million), but enough to make Brand’s Arthur payday look like an unemployment check. Talk about hitting the honey-pot of gold.

I’m here for you Katy. It’s important you know that. You’re more than just a pop singer to me; you’re a pop singer with amazing boobs. I also love big doe eyes, blue wigs, Proactiv commercials, irreverent non-rhyming lyrics, and your low expectations from a husband. I’m also ok with keeping our fortunes separate, and if Katy Smith doesn’t work, Ryan Perry (or Hudson) doesn’t sound half bad. My phone is on if you want to finally text me back.  

 

Hump Day

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One Comment

  1. Here’s to 52 Horny Hump Days in 2012.

    They really do make me horny.