Crap you should read Tuesday

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Happy New Year Hornballs. It feels good to be back from a long vacation…and by “good” I mean “sucks”. But alas, 2011 really was a Crappy year, so lets take Tuesday to remind us all what went down and help figure out WTF? will happen in 2012.

The biggest stories of the year had to be the Japanese Earthquake and the totally awesome takedown of Osama bin Laden. Both involved loss of life, but one was so much damn cooler than the other. Other than that, 2011 belonged to protests, uprisings, revolutions, Tebowing, #Winning, gridlock, more protests, child molesters and Ryan Gosling.

Everybody gets a little Horn-yÂ


Occupy The World

People took over the world in 2011. Using sheer numbers, protesting citizens took to the streets and toppled dictators. The Middle East erupted into an “Arab Spring” which is media-speak for “these people finally got the internet and said ‘enough is enough'”. Libya, Yemen, Egypt, Tunisia, Syria, are all in turmoil revolution! and the process of “respecting” democratic rule.

For 2012: What does the future hold for the Springing Arabs? Democracy means majority rules, and its likely that fanatic Islam will still be the majority ruling. Hopefully Twitter and YouTube will prove more powerful than theocratic, oppressive regimes, but more than likely we’ll get governments that forsake By and For The People for By and For Allah (and the oil men).

Ironically it was the Arab citizen that reminded the American citizen that it had a voice, and soon everyday Americans were Occupying US citites to protest income inequality. The term itself is moronic, but the issue is real: one tiny percentage of our country saw their incomes triple over that last 30 years while  99.9% of the people saw barely any (only 40% max over 30 years) increase at all. Of course the issue gets muddled into the “giving handouts”, “wealth redistribution” and “job killing” arguments, but fact is, the rules need to be tweaked.

For 2012: The large scale demonstrations have been run out of town thanks to cities stifling their citizen’s free speech, but the problem will not go away. You’ll see Obama and the Democrats continue to embrace the movement, but behind closed doors business will be the same game as usual. Unfortunately for the rest of us, the tiny percentage of people who saw their income triple are the ones paying for the election/re-election bids for EVERY single politician running for office in November. But so long as the economy sucks (and it always will) don’t expect People to forget the power they wield.


World War(s)

Bombs had a huge 2011. We had wars in Libya, Yemen, Sudan, Afghanistan, Iraq and Pakistan. The US finally “pulled out” of Iraq, but 2012 will likely bring a civil war between Sunnis and Shiites that never really went ended.

Pakistan will continue to turn into an even greater clusterf*ck. Given that the Pakistani government plays both sides of the game, Pakistan is a breeding ground (haven) for terrorism. This little Yin brings the Yang that we end up bombing the crap out of them, and not every Pakistani citizen considers our efforts to blow up their yards as “saving them”. They’re barely still our “ally” in the War on Terror, but our tenuous relationship will explode in 2012, which doesn’t exactly bode well for our eventual war nearby with Iran.

As it is, Iran is loudly threatening to block passage of the Straits of Hormuz (the 4th busiest port in the world) which is certainly act of war. Basically they’re using every threat in their bag to bide their time until they get their bomb which will let them threaten the world whenever they want. The world can’t and won’t let Iran get nuclear weapons, and while that might be rhetoric to some, its very real to Israel and the US.

For 2012: watch for Israel (along with the US) to bomb the crap out of Iranian nuclear facilities to keep it from happening. Iran will strike back against Israel or do their best to convince the rest of the Arab world to do so. Make no mistake, American bombs will be falling in Pakistan and Iran this upcoming year.


Political Crap of the Year

Sure we were blessed with Anthony’s Weiner and Rick Perry’s mouth (wait, that sounded bad), but the big story of Politics in 2011 was the absolute ineptitude of our Government. The two-party adversarial system, coupled with the 24 hour news cycle and manipulative TV media, rendered our President virtually impotent and our Government absolutely inefficient. One party tries to harm the country just to put everyone worse off so the current President loses the next election. That’s not governing for the People, that’s governing for the Party. Fortunately the nation has noticed the Congressional obstructionism: less than 10% of Americans approve of Congress, and the disapproval numbers hovering around 85% are the worst in modern polling history.

For 2012: More of the same. Republicans will continue to pretend that President Obama is killing our country, and will try to convince us all that cutting government funding for “socialist programs” and removing regulations that protect our health and environment are the best ways to save our country.  Just be prepared: both Parties will say 2012 is the “most important election of our lifetime”. Obama will win, mainly because Independents will not vote for any of the goons vying for the Republican ticket. Shoot, Republicans don’t even want to vote for their guys, as 7 different people have “led” in the polls in the last year.  Even if   a viable 3rd party candidate pops into the picture, that only takes away votes from Republicans.

To secure his victory, Obama has to capture that fake magic he conjured in 2008, and he’ll do so by adding Hillary Clinton to the ticket as Vice President. Besides the fact that Hillary will lock up Democrats who lost confidence in Barry O, it will also set up Hillary’s run in 2016. And right now, unless Repubilcans change their “base” and start putting out more mainstream mass-appeal candidates, expect at least 12 more years of sloppy Democratic policy makers 



Sports Crap of the Year

The biggest stories of the Sports world are what happened off the field. First, was the revelation of the monster named Jerry Sandusky and the resulting fall of Joe Paterno. If there’s a good side to this story, it’s that more victims are speaking out and bringing down more molesting monsters (Bernie Fine, Scott Galvin).

Next, if it wasn’t kids getting raped, it was the Players in both the NFL and the NBA. Both leagues went through work stoppages that mirrored our Nation’s current income inequality climate. The rich Owners wanted to make more money, and that meant taking it from the Players who they previously agreed to give it to. Owners blatantly lied through their teeth and cooked their books to screw their Players out of revenue. In both cases Owners got what they wanted, and Players got less…but we got our seasons back.

On the field, the two biggest stories of the year happen to be of big importance to the Ryno: the Miami Heat, and Tim Tebow. The Heat dominated the news for the first half of the year, with the entire sports world watching the Big 3’s every move and hoping for failure. Haters got their wish when the Heat lost in 6 games to the Mavs behind another epic LeBron collapse.

The last few months have been Tebow Time for the media, and while flattering, it also highlights how half our country is rooting for Tebow to fail. What is it with this place that we take so much pleasure in watching the demise of gifted people?

For 2012: NFl, tegardless of the playoff outcome, get ready to hear a lot about Tebow in the offseason, as well as a lot of talk about other QBs in the draft. For the NBA, expect to see the Heat in the Finals again, but one wonders if the nation and the press start rooting for LeBron again instead of against him. Sure MLB had an exciting off-season, but expect it to be boring again for at least 130 of the 162 games. At least us Marlins fans get to see what a new stadium looks like when its empty at game time.


Technology Crap 

Screw 2001 (when we got the Patriot Act), 2011 was the year we really lost all our freedoms. Look around you, and you’ll see cameras everywhere: every store, every streetlight, every cell phone, every computer, every bar, every massage parlor, every toll-plaza, every Xbox Kinect, every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse.

This might not be “new”, but the now-widespread use of Facial Recognition software makes it more invasive. Facebook tells us it makes it easier to “tag” people and Police departments explain it helps with tracking criminals, but it opens up a scary gateway for us all to be tracked by our government, or by anyone who cares to watch.

Even worse, now it’s become obvious we’ve been the ones feeding our facial information (thanks Zuckerberg) into the system and now any camera connected to a network can “tag” you for the interweb to use as they please. From this point on you were forever be tracked around town, with all your information and activity available with one look and one click of a mouse.

Then to top everything off, came LulzSec, Anonymous, and all the other Anti-Security hackers to prove that there is no such thing as privacy online. If its written in code, there’s a code to read it. We’re all screwed.

For 2012: One thing I expect to see soon, if not in 2012, are laws that outlaw covering your face. Such laws will be disguised as a “national security” issue, probably right after an Arab suicide bomber attacks with their face covered. Make no mistake, any laws against covering faces is because the government (or the companies that lobby with big $ because they make the technology or use it for marketing) want to track our every movement.

Also sullying the technological landscape will be the Stop Online Piracy Act which threatens the very existence of the internet as we know it. Should SOPA pass through Congress in its current form, The Ryno’s Horn will be no more. Stop cheering, jerks.


YouTube Year in Review

As you and I both know, it ain’t real until it ends up on YouTube. As such, here are a couple recaps to remind you of who we are, who we lost, and what we laughed at all year long.


Baby Rynos

Rhinos aren’t all as obnoxious as I am. Check out these little baby rhino’s singing their Horns off. Ladies, I know it’s cute, and now you see I’m charming and sensitive. Email me, and we can have sex.


Get Over that 2011 Hump

2011 was a wacky-ass year for the Ryno, but you Horn-y bastards, and the love you’ve shared for this thing of Ours, has made it worth all the Crap.

For 2012: More Crap (it’s Election Year!!!!!!) and more Hot Chicks (it’s Erection year!!!!). You asked, and we’re just accommodating like that.

In the meantime, as my gift to all you Horn-balls, here are a few of the best things to happen in 2011.

Enjoy, and here’s to a new year of the absolute Horn-iest…


Have a Horn-y Tuesday

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