Crap you should read Christmas Time


Xmas Darwinism Reminder


A Belated Merry Christmas to you Hornballs. I should have had this to you slightly earlier, but I’m celebrating the Holidays in Alabama with my family, and computer time has been hard to come by. Plus, I was too busy winning my Fantasy Football Championship (go Los Pollos Hermanos) to talk to you guys.

For the record, Postings will be spotty until January 2nd (don’t worry, we’ll still be Humpin’ on Hump Day) but here are a few things I put together over the weekend in between stuffing my face and playing Scattergories.

I hope you Horn-y freaks enjoyed your long weekend and are primed and ready for some Christmas Wrap-up Crap-up.


Some Real Christmas

Christmas might be the most celebrated day in the world, but the facts of the birth of Jesus Christ (for whatever you can take to be “fact” from 2000 years ago) differ greatly from what most people have in their head. Contrary to popular belief, December 25th is definitely not the precise date of Jesus’ birth. The date was actually established in the mid-4th century by Roman Emperor Constantine who converted to Christianity and made the entire Roman Empire do the same. Many assume Constantine picked December 25th because it was already Saturnalia, a Pagan Holiday that celebrated the sun-god, and the rebirth of the sun during the winter solstice. Given that it was already a festive time for Romans, merging the holidays made the Empire’s transition to Christianity smoother.

While its clear that this how the 25th came to be the OFFICIAL date to celebrate the birth of Jesus, since the Bible is silent on the topic and Jesus didn’t have Facebook, scholars differ over when Jesus’ real birthday could be.  Using clues from the Bible (like the fact that flocks were grazing) scholars generally agree that it wasn’t Winter time, but more likely between July and September. As for the Year of His birth, many assume it was year 0, but Jesus’ birth was more likely between 7 BC to 2 BC. This is primarily based on the fact that King Herod plays a big role in the story of Jesus, and he died anywhere from 4 BC to 2 BC. Given that Herod was worried about losing his throne to baby that would be King of the Jews, and passed laws to kill all babies under the age of 2, it stands to reason that Jesus was born at least a couple years before Herod died.

As for the story of Christmas, that usually comes down to the popular images of the Nativity. This image (created by Sir Francis of Assisi in 1223) takes place in a stable (manger) with Mary, Joseph and the just-born Jesus, surrounded by Shepherds, animals and the 3 wise men blessing the baby with their gifts. Interestingly, the Bible itself debunks most of this popular image.

To start with, a manger is more of a cave (not a thatched stable) and would have been filthy, disgusting and covered in animal feces (not an ideal place for childbirth, by the way). Also, the Nativity depicts how the Magi (Wise Men) were there to bless the newborn, but they actually didn’t make it there until much later. The Bible tells the Magi witnessed the Christmas star which foretold the birth of the Jewish Messiah, and when they told King Herod of the Star, he sent them to find the boy who would be King. They followed the star to Bethlehem and found Mary, Joseph, and the young boy Jesus. Scholars say this journey would have taken anywhere from a few months to a couple of years, so obviously they weren’t there when Jesus was born.

Also, who ever said there were 3 Wise Men? There is no mention anywhere in the Bible about 3 Magi. The only thing mentioned are 3 gifts (gold, frankincense and myrrh) so history distorted this by assuming 3 Magi brought 1 gift each. Also, while many think the Christmas star the Magi witnessed was bright as can be, but if that’s the case, why would the Magi have been special to see it? The Magi are assumed to have been well-versed in the charting of stars, so it was with this wisdom that allowed them to read the alignment of the stars and “know” that the Messianic prophecy was taking place. They followed the star(s) to Bethlehem and by the time they arrived, they didn’t just bless Jesus and his family with gifts, but also warned them of Herod’s treachery and warned them to leave. Jesus, Mary and Joseph then fled to Egypt until Herod died, then made their way back to settled in Nazareth.

Personally, I find the entire story amazing in a historical context, but do note the extreme similarities between this story and a few other historical/religious stories throughout the years. Think about it, a King scared of losing his crown to a rightful heir of the Jews decrees that all boys will be slaughtered, then the family flees only to come back years later to “lead” his people against the aggressors. Sounds a lot like Moses, right? My point is that while the men and their deeds existed, over the years the stories morph into what we “expect” the basic themes of stories of messianic heroes happen to be.  Tale as old as time….

(by the way, in the video below, click to :40 and I dare you not to laugh)


Congressional Christmas Love

Political games almost screwed millions of Americans during the holidays, but crisis was averted when Congress passed a 2 month extension for the payroll tax cuts and unemployment benefits. There was obvious bickering back and forth, but in the end every politician knew they had to act otherwise 160 million Americans would have faced a tax increase of $1000-$1500 and 2.2 million would have lost their unemployment benefits. Even though the extension is only for two months, not only would letting it expire be devastating to the economy, but it would be politically moronic to tell a country already fed up over the poor economy that times just got tougher.

But wouldn’t you know it, when both the House and the Senate already decided to pass the bill, House Republicans came out of the woodwork to try to kill the bill because 2 months of relief was inadequate and they wanted a full year. But the two sides have been negotiating the full year plan forever without compromise (surprise?) so the 2 month stop-gap measure was created to give immediate relief while they continue to pretend to negotiate. It was a morinic play by House Republicans because there’s no reason to kill it now while you can still debate the details over the next 2 months.

The real reasons House GOP wanted to stop the vote were more sinister: a) they wanted to screw with the economy so it reflected poorly on Obama, and b) they wanted to make it look like Democrats were taking vacations while the bill had yet to pass. They were willing to hurt 160+ Americans to pull this off.

But in a Christmas miracle — and the fact that the public and even Senate Republicans called them out on the BS — that they finally realized their idiocy and backed down. But seeing this type of politics year round from this crew has soured many against House Republicans, and ironically will likely benefit Obama and the Democrats. Oops. At least people in need can now enjoy whatever they make of their holiday time without worrying about this Crap for a little bit.

Congress is beautiful so long as you don't meet the people inside.

BadAss of the Week Forever

Goes to the Cincinnati Bengals’ Jerome Simpson who pulled off one of the most fantastic, jaw dropping moves you will ever see on a football field…for the rest of your life. Might sound like an exaggeration, but Simpson pulled off an aerial front-flip over a Cardinal defender and into the endzone for a TD. As cool as it sounds, it looks 10 x cooler. Check it out.


Best Christmas Movies

Christmas time means a lot of things to a lot of people. To me it means parties, family time, ugly sweaters, overly-cheery music that starts in November, and  movies. And nothing puts you in the mood better than a good Christmas movie. Obviously there are the Xmas regulars (It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, Home Alone) but here are staples to a Horn-y holiday.

5. Bad Santa:  Billy Bob, a fat ugly kid who looks like a grandmother, and midgets. Any argument you have against this movie is invalid.

Sue: I’ve always had a thing for Santa Claus, in case you didn’t notice. It’s like some deep-seeded childhood thing.

Willie: So is my thing for tits.

4. Edward Scissorhands:  I know I’m weird, but this is my idea of a romantic Christmas story.

Kim: Hold me.

Edward: I can’t


Bill: Sweetheart, you can’t buy the necessities of life with cookies. 

3. Gia: The fact that Angelina Jolie spends half the movie naked (and convinces Elizabeth Mitchell to do the same) is all the proof I need of God’s miracles.

Quote: Did it need dialogue?

Ok fine…I have a “real” #3 ready….

3. Scrooged: All I should have to say is “Bill F*cking Murray”, but this obnoxious rehashing of the classic Dickens’ tale is a yearly fave.

Frank: I want to see her nipples.

Censor: But this is a Christmas show.

Frank: Well I’m sure Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples.

Carpenter: You can barely see them nipples.

Frank: See? And these guys are REALLY looking.

2. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation: This Grizwold tale IS Christmas to me. Just about every scene is chocked full of infinitely quotable dialogue.

Eddie: You surprised to see us Clark?

Clark: Oh Eddie, If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am now.


Clark: Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

1. Die Hard:  Nothing to do with St Nick other than the fact that it’s the Christmas party from hell. And the best Christmas movie ever.

Argyle: If this is their idea of Christmas, I gotta be here for New Years!


McClane: Yippe Kay Yay, Mister Falcon (or at least that’s how broadcast TV says it)


Twas the Night Before…Huh?

Funny or Die has a great recurring bit called Drunk History where they get one of their players absolutely wasted, and have them give some kind of history lesson. With that in mind, check out this hysterical version of Twas the Night Before Christmas aided by the talents of Ryan Gosling, Eva Mendes and Jim Carrey as Santa Claus.

This is a yuletide gem, so long as your stocking has room for a drunken F-bomb or twelve.

Watch: A Drunk Christmas — Funny or Die


A Very Shay Christmas

You might remember Shay Maria from a recent Horn-y Dedication and you all should thank her for spreading her…um…holiday cheer. This is actually a stop-motion video, filmed with a…you know what, if you’re going to click on a video of Shay Maria for the direction, then I just smacked you through the computer.

Just check it out

Watch: Shay Maria Stop Motion Holiday Video —


Monday Fun Day

Have a Horn-y Monday

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