Crap you should read Hump Day



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Happy Hanukkah Hornballs

Menorahs, gelt, dreidels and gifts. That’s basically the extent of what most people know about Hanukkah, the annual Jewish Festival of lights.In actuality, the whole miracle-oil part of the holiday didn’t even come into being until over six centuries later when a conference of Rabbis got together to formalize history and customs.

The real Hanukkah is a celebration of the victory of fundamentalists in what was really a Jewish civil war, mixed in with lot of Christmas envy.

Back in 167 BC, the Greeks were in charge of of all the land. The Seleucids were given control of Israel, and many Jews naturally assimilated into the dominating culture (let’s face it, besides having less body hair, their girls were much kinkier). The more religious Jews didn’t want to lose their culture and were furious when Seleucid King Antiochus IV passed a series of Jew-hating laws that outlawed customs (circumcision, not eating pork) and confiscated Jewish wealth. Worst of all, Antiochus defiled the Temple and turned it into a place of Pagan worship.

Mattathias, a Jewish priest, flipped and killed a couple men; the first of which was a fellow Jew performing a sacrifice to pagan gods. Mattathias, his 5 sons and their army of Maccabees rebelled to save Judaism from threats both outside and inside.

It wasn’t so much a war against Greeks, but more a revolution for the soul of Jewish religion and culture. Fundamentalists/fanatics were fighting to settle what it meant to be a Jew; what it meant to observe, what it took to be devout, meaning of afterlife, etc. Losing Jewish lives was second to losing Judaism.

Mattathias soon fell, but his son Judah took over the rebellion. Three years later, the Jews stood victorious, reclaimed Jerusalem, and the Temple. Judah and his Maccabees established a holiday to celebrate their military victories as well as the re-dedication of the Temple lost 3 years prior.

It’s this 8 day celebration (some say it was a long-overdue Sukkot observance) that became Hanukkah. According to lore (first mentioned by Rabbis 6 centuries later) the Greeks defiling of the Temple included sullying all the proper oils. The celebrating Jews only found a day’s worth of usable oil, but it “miraculously” burned for 8 days.

Unfortunately, the Hasmoneons (the new ruling family of the Jews) were reactionary fanatics; oppressive rulers who forced their fundamental Judaism on everyone. This is best exemplified by the oft-ignored forced circumcisions of uncircumcised Jews. The High Priests of the Temple were corrupt and  Judaism’s finest days were no more. This all paved the way for the Romans to come in and take over.

But over the years, this military celebration evolved through many incarnations. Some used it as inspiration for Jewish courage and bravery. Others used the magical “8 days of oil” them to celebrate the wonder and majesty of God’s miracles. But it wasn’t until the 19th century that Hanukkah turned into the signature celebration. Jews just grew envious of goyim families has Christmastime to get together for family love, and of course Jewish kids hated sitting with their dreidels while their friends got awesome gifts.

Not wanting to  lose Jews to Christian assimilation (the true theme of Hanukkah), the powers-that-be jumped on the 2000 yr old Maccabee military victory and turned it into 8 days of family-loving and gift-giving.

“One for each night, they shed a sweet light, to remind us of days long ago.” Consider yourself reminded.

Who knew a small military party would lead to the dreaded Christian saying "Happy Holidays"


Congressional Games Don’t Help Before the Holidays

Washington DC — The economy sucks, and with the holidays around the corner, people are more in need than ever. The government pretended to want to help the people, but Congress proved they’d rather play political games than fix the economic pressures faced by millions of Americans. Both Houses of Congress have been working on bills to extend Unemployment benefits and payroll tax cuts for another 2 months. If the bills aren’t passed, the benefits will expire on 12/31 and 160 million Americans will see an average tax increase of $1000-$1500, while 2.2 million will see their unemployment benefits disappear.

So the House passed their plan, but pushed it through with Republican riders for a controversial Oil sands pipeline from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico. The Senate agreed to a deal (even with pipeline provisions), but the deal was only for 2 months so the issues could be discussed further. Now the Republican-controlled House refuses to approve the Senate deal because it only extends it 2 months and not a full year, and is calling for all lawmakers to stay in DC and hammer out a working plan before the holidays. Unfortunately most already left for the holidays thinking the Bills were a go.

Surprise, many Republicans knew to stick around, but a lot of Democrats went home, so now the Republicans are playing the “its the democrats’ fault” card if a plan isn’t passed. So the Republicans made a brilliant play that hurt Democrats, but also hurt Americans who will be screwed with the increased financial burden and no unemployment benefits for the new year. Nice job.

That’s a wish of Happy Holidays from your US government. If any of these fools are re-elected, then Americans have no one to blame but themselves.

"We're gonna make it through this ok. By "we" I mean us rich folk, you poor bastards are screwed."


Why so Scared of Ron Paul?

Iowa — Pre-Caucus polls have Congressman Ron Paul (R- Tex) actually leading in Iowa over Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich. The numbers have a lot of people scared, because Ron Paul is a libertarian who doesn’t tow the Republican Party line. They feel he’s too outlandish to beat Obama in a general election. Worst of all, they’re accusing Paul and his supporters of “hijacking” the caucus. How BS is that?

The one thing that makes Iowa different is that anyone can vote in their caucuses, not just party members. Its these Independents and disillusioned Democrats, the ones who hate the BS spewing out of Romney and Gingrich, that are pushing the vote towards Paul; he might be a kook, but he’s as real as it gets.

The powers-that-be in the media and in the party tell people who they should vote for and  manipulate them into supporting their flavor of the month, but in the end, its the people that decide. And when people are pissed, they vote for someone they see as an agent of change. Enter Ron Paul.

The real “danger” here is that caucuses are irrelevant. Its no secret that Iowans (or New Hampshire-folk) don’t represent New Yorkers, Californians, Floridians or even Texans, so why do we keep setting up these tiny states to set the pace of elections? Is keeping Iowa nationally relevant as important as getting a clear feel for the pulse of the electorate?

The whole thing is just part of the show, but the producers hate it when an actor comes in and doesn’t play the role they assigned him. I love it. I also love how in this case, the audience participation is just as frightening to the establishment.

"Yes, I am still alive"


New Man on Axis-of-Evil Campus

North Korea — Here he is, your new “Great Successor”. Kim Jong-Un paid his repsects to the body of his father Kim Jong Il lying in state at Kumsusan Memorial Palace in Pyongyang. The chubby twenty-something year old leader of the 4th largest standing army in the world, was officially anointed by the ruling Workers’ Party and will soon fully take over the rogue, isolationist state.

I’m not quite sure it is about the bodies laying-in-state thing for a week or so. Does anyone really believe its Il’s body? It’s some Madamme Toussoud thing because there’s no chance the country would want that thing decomposing in front of its populace. Its an old trick performed by leaders to pretend they’re the children of God, and their bodies are pristine and unbreakable.

Oh, and Un is fat. How can you ever trust a fat man in a land of starving people?

How long is he supposed to pretend to mourn the father he had no relationship with?


Is this a UPS ad? 

This next video went viral ASAP. Its so egregiously horrible for Fed Ex, you almost get the feeling it was set up by UPS or DHL. In case you’re wondering, the monitor was broken, and the recipient was home the whole time. But hey, how else can Santa reach his billion boys and girls in one night?


Best Fails of 2011

It’s year end time, which means endless recaps of all the Crap we saw throughout the year. You know I love watching idiots hurt themselves, so here’s 2011’s worth of Daily Darwinism Reminders wrapped in one neat little Youtube package. Enjoy…


Happy Humpukkah

I’m putting you Hornballs to the task. I want you to find me some of what you think the hottest humps out there. Take your own pics of what you see, or just send me what you find. Let’s start 2012 off the Horn-y Humpy way. In the meantime, enjoy your damn Humpukkah gifts….


Yes, that's Sofia Vergara

Have a Horn-y Humpday

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One Comment

  1. These Hump Days make me oh so horny