Crap you should read Tuesday


Romney’s Bet Pays Off (for Haters)

Iowa — Gov. Mitt Romney made himself a really putzy maneuver this weekend at the Republican Presidential debate in Iowa. Romney was on the defensive from Gov. Perry who thought it was a good idea to challenge Romney on suggestions for mandated Universal Healthcare he made in his book.

“I read your first book and it said in there that your mandate in Massachusetts should be the model for the country. And I know it came out of the reprint of the book. But, you know, I’m just sayin’, you were for individual mandates, my friend.”

Romney denied the claim, but Perry was insistent; “It was true then. It’s true now.”

Romney then shot back, “I’ll tell you what: 10,000 bucks. $10,000 bet?”

Dude! Sure Romney is right and nothing about the mandate was in the book (Surprise: Perry can’t read), but the country is floundering during an economic recession, tens of thousands of Americans are Occupying Main Streets to protest income inequality…and Romnuts causally bets $10k like its pocket change at an underground boxing match. This guy is more out-of-touch than your creepy great-uncle who tries to be cool, but instead comes off as mohawked 60 year old with a earring and N’Sync embroidered sweater vest.

Speaking of sweater vests, be sure to check out the video below of Romney having to explain to a gay man why he thinks he doesn’t deserve rights. Awkward doesn’t even begin to describe it….”losing the election” is a much closer description.

Read: Would Mitt Romney have won $10,000 Bet? — Politics Now.

Read: Romney looks to bounce back after $10,000 bet gaffe —


Gingrich Signs Pledge to Not Cheat on Wife

Conservatives are all excited that Newt signed himself a new pledge to prove just how conservative he really is. The Family Leader is an influential Iowa conservative group with a Marriage Vow that all who seek their support must sign. The vow not only covers promises to support marriage and to never stray from your spouse, but also to vigorously fight against gay marriage. Most of the other GOP candidates (Bachmann, Santorum, Perry) already signed the Marriage Vow, but Gingrich initially refused.

Seems the good Speaker had a problem signing a vow that pledged the sanctity of marriage and promised not to cheat, considering he’s a notorious cheater and on his 3rd marriage. To add insult to infidelity injury, his current wife is the woman he cheated on his 2nd wife with. But fortunately morals only last until people stop remembering or caring about your past. Nowadays, all behavior is forgiven so long as you aren’t black Obama or want to make sure everyone has equal access to quality healthcare.

But now Gingrich has the audacity to pretend he’s a moral high-ground candidate? This isn’t just flip-flopping, this is just blatant hypocrisy mixed with selective amnesia. This is like OJ signing a pledge promising not to kill anymore wives. But its even worse that “supporters” ignore facts and actions and instead focus on a stupid piece of paper that makes all the bad stuff go away.

Am I the only one who thinks its funny that Conservatives make each other sign an additional vow pledging marriage fidelity? Isn’t that included in, you know, actual marriage vows? So the sanctity of marriage (which they are fighting for) means nothing unless you sign an additional pledge. I guess it’s never real til you have to say “I do” a second or third time, which coicidentally actually works out perfectly for Newt.

Read: In Conservative Pledge, Gingrich vows no more marital infidelity —

"Just look right here...3..2...1...."


Police Drones Activated

North Dakota — The eye in the sky is always watching. Most think of it as a tool only used overseas in the fight on terror, but Predator Drones are now being used by local law enforcement. It’s understandable that Border Patrol and Customs utilize unmanned aircraft to patrol borders and fight the war on drugs, but such invasive technology on the homeland is troubling to many who value their privacy from the government.

North Dakota recently reported more than 2 dozen occasions it requested Predator surveillance from a nearby Airforce base to help fight crime. In one such case, ND Police requested a Drone to scope out a family to make sure they weren’t armed before they entered the farm to arrest them.

This is one of those times where we start to see the domestic effects of the Patriot Act. Civilized people are often tricked into curtailing personal freedoms in the face of fighting a “greater evil” and that’s exactly what Americans did with giving up privacy to combat Terrorism. The funny thing is, “Terrorism” can mean just about anything that causes terror, not just Dudes sporting turbans and fighting for eternity with virgins. The wide definition covers basically anything the government could ever want to enforce, and gives them the power to do so, often without question or due process. Given how infrequently Americans are actually hindered/harmed by terrorism, is the curtailing of freedoms really worth it?

Read: Drones Officially Take Flight for Domestic Law Enforcement —

I get the feeling that Indecent Exposure cases will be on the rise


 The Not-so-Great Escape

Pakistan — A story about an American POW who escapes from the clutches of the Taliban would usually fall under the Badass of the Week heading, but I’ll save that one for when he actually gets his freedom. Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl has been in captivity since June 2009, and is believed to be the only American in Taliban hands. He spent 3 years stuck with those Talibastards, and appeared in 5 Taliban propaganda videos to show their “power” over their American enemies.

Bergdahl apparently lulled his captors into a false sense of security by acclimating himself to their ways, even “pretending” to adopt Islam as his religion. One day while ignored and unguarded, Sgt Bergdahl jumped out of the first floor window of his Pakistani mudbrick house and took off for the underbrush and nearby mountains. He was found 3 days later hiding almost-naked in a trench, covered in leaves and brush. Sources say (though who could these sources possibly be?) Bergdhal “fought like a boxer” when found, but was nonetheless recaptured and now certainly under heavier lockdown.

On a side note, American forces have been bombing the hell out of the area they feel Bergdahl is in, so rumors have the Taliban actively seeking to negotiate a release before they lose their bargaining chip. Come home already Sgt. Bergdahl, you have a Badass Horn award waiting for you.

Read: Taliban recapture US POW Bowe Bergdahl after 3 Days on the run —

Maybe he converted for the comfy clothes


Sorry I’m Late, My Mom Died

Brookville, PA— I’m sure we’ve all come up with our fair share of get-out-of-work excuses, but no one (even The King) has sunk lower than Scott Bennett. Mr. Bennett published an obituary for his mother to try to collect bereavement time off from work…even though his mom was still alive and well. The scumbag just didn’t want to get fired for his excessive time off. Apparently no one ever gave this guy a lecture on karma.

Scotty was busted when family members and friends started calling into the newspaper to report that Mrs. Bennett was perfectly fine and not chillin in the morgue. Police were called, and Scott was arrested for disorderly conduct. For a punishment, they should just make him sit in a room with his mom and let her beat him like in Parents Just Dont Understand. 

Now this isn’t really news per se, but I just wanted to let you know…whatever corners you’re cutting, you’re not trying hard enough.

Read: Hey I’m Not Dead Yet —

"I don't see "Dead Mom" on the board, do you???"


Why Can’t We Be Friends?

Utah State Univ. — Did you ever spend time wondering why Men and Women can’t be friends? Well then you’re an idiot. The answer is simple: Men think with their dicks, and Women are oblivious/evil or both. Feel enlightened?

If you need further explanation, then check out this video below of interviews of students at Utah State University. All the Males know its impossible to be friends with a chick without wanting to bang her (unless she’s gross, then “friends” is perfect until you get wasted). All the Women think its perfectly ok to be friends with guys, even though all their guy friends want to bang them.

It’s all in the game.

Watch: Why Men and Women Can’t be Friends —


Tuesday Fun

Does winter have you longing for the days where everywhere you look, you see hot, scantily-clad chicks? Sure, my fellow Miami Hornballs and I get this on the regular, but for those of you who aren’t so lucky, here’s a little love (mostly courtesy of The Chive) to remind you that hot girls in bathing suits are great for everybody’s self esteem.

Have a Horn-y Tuesday

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One Comment

  1. God-dang it; now these Tuesdays ALSO make me HORNY