Crap you should read Wednesday



Iran v the British Embassy

Tehran — Iran invaded Britain. Of course that’s only a diplomatic technicality, but Iranian protesters occupied the hell out of the British Embassy in Tehran. Scores of Irate-ians climbed walls of two compounds, wreaked serious havok and burned a Union Jack in the courtyard. The Iranians were “protesting” the new sanctions leveled against their country because of their government’s insistence on pursuing nuclear weapons.

Why did the Iranian government/police/military fail to intervene? The protests and the eventual attack continued for a while, so there was plenty of time for Iran to step in and put a stop to the nonsense. Given that an attack on an embassy is considered an attack on the visiting country, one would assume they’d do whatever it takes to avoid all out war. Wrong. Iran doesn’t give a Crap. They want as much antagonism between themselves and civilized countries of the world; its just good for their business of becoming the world’s Islamic Superpower.

England is furious, and PM David Cameron has already vowed that Iran will pay for looking the other way. All British diplomats have been pulled from Iran and the Embassy has been closed. Diplomatic relations have been severed.

I always assumed that the Iranian people weren’t as crazy as their leaders, but it seems the lying and misinformation pays off. The Doomsday clock just ticked one more minute closer to midnight.

Read: UK upset Iran didn’t stop citizens from overrunning Embassy — MSNBC

The Bieber/Twilight joint-screening was a bad idea.


Trump Sucks

New York —  Donald Trump thinks you’re stupid. He thinks the American public doesn’t see through his numerous fake bids for President as attempts at self promotion. Of course he already dropped out of this race when it heated up last time, but now he says that if the right candidate isn’t nominated for the GOP, he’d step in and run in May as an Independent.

Donald Trump does not want to be President. Donald Trump wants to make money and pretend he’s important. He uses the possibility of a presidential bid to get himself free air time to push his brand. Is there any coincidence that the  Oval Office talk always comes out around the same time as the press junkets start for The Apprentice? He hangs around long enough for the free press, but then bails before its time to talk any policy.

By the way, Trump dropped that May date because that’s when his Apprentice contract ends. He claims that being a TV star kept him from running because of “Equal time” laws for candidates on TV. In reality, Trump would LOVE to “start” a May campaign and skip all the heavy scrutiny that breaks campaigns over the long-haul. He’d get to skip the natural vetting process of pitting candidates against one another and the public tearing him apart to see if he has what it takes to lead the country. It would be like lame Karate Kid 3 where Daniel-San skips the whole tournament but still gets one fight to win the championship.

Bottom line, Trump is not serious about running for President. If he was, he’d realize that joining the scrum in May as a 3rd party candidate would essentially split the “conservative” vote and guarantee Obama (Trump’s sworn non-Rosie O’Donnell enemy) the election. The Donald knows this, but he also knows that his Trump brand means everything (he assesses the brand value at $3billion), so he must remind you at every possible moment how rich he is, how powerful he is, and how he’s the only one with answers.

Trump is a smart man, he’s just betting that you aren’t.

Read: Trump: I could enter Presidential Race in May — CBS News

$7 billion, and doesn't own a hat. WTF?


Norway  Killer Probably Not Going To  Prison

Norway —  Anders Behring Breivik orchestrated two separate attacks on July 22. First he dressed as a cop and planted a bomb near government offices in Oslo. He then “visited” a youth camp and started gunning down teenagers. All told, he killed 77 people and injured 151. He surrendered himself into police knowing full well they wouldn’t/couldn’t kill him, which would later give him a platform to preach his 243 page manifesto and explain how he killed people to somehow stop a Muslim invasion of Europe.

But now Breivik is one step closer to avoiding Prison (there’s no death penalty in Norway) because psychiatrists have declared him insane. The Insanity finding still has to be verified by a forensic panel, but if they do, that means Breivik gets life in a clinic instead of prison.

Breivik might be crazy, but he is not insane. His meticulous planning and execution prove that this man thinks extremely clearly; he just doesn’t put his intelligence and thought towards the same goals we do. The man doesn’t even deserve to live, yet if the Insanity finding holds, he’ll live out his life on the Norwegian taxpayer dime getting “help” for killing/injuring 230 people. Breivik deserves to be ass-raped by the sisters for eternity, but instead he’ll be debating policy with Nurse Ratchet. This is a real travesty.

Read: Norway Mass Killer Declared Insane —

Do I really look like a guy with a plan?"Â


Is the Horn killin’ My Boys?

Wi-Fi could be killing your kids. Scientists conducted experiments with sperm near computers to see the damage. Turns out the sperm near the laptops with Wi-Fi died quicker and had more DNA mutations. Uh-oh. Writing this damn Crap is killing my future kids.

The studies are in their early stages, but just think about how many Wi-Fi objects exist out there. TV’s, smartphones, computers, gadgets….basically anything you can masturbate to hurts your sperm. The irony is thicker than your semen.

I hope Apple is working on some kind of arm-strap thing to carry my iPhone away from my nuts, because that stupid I’m-a-Contractor belt-clip thing just isn’t gonna cut it.

Read:  Can Wi-Fi kill your sperm? —

This is your sperm on Wi-Fi....any questions?


The Scarlet Poop

Dayton, Ohio — It’s one of the most steadfast rules in the book. The most famous is “never get involved in a land war in Asia” but only slightly less well known is: “Don’t ever piss off your tattoo artist”.

Rossie Brovent had an idea for a classy, respectable scene from Narnia on her back. Conveniently, her boyfriend Ryan was a tattoo artist. What wasn’t so convenient, was that Rossie was banging Ryan’s long-time friend on the side. Oops. Ryan found out, but rather than confront her, he opted for the exponentially funnier option of revenge. The tattoo he drew was shitty…literally. Rather than lions, witches, and wardrobes, Rosie now sports a huge pile of steaming crap circled by flies.

Rossie immediately smacked her now ex-boyfriend with a $100k lawsuit, but Ryan isn’t as dumb as the tattoo on her back looks. Before the tattoo session, Ryan got Rossie liquored up and had her sign a consent form specifying all art was up to the “artist’s discretion”.

I really hope we get a follow up to this one, so we can see what she opted to turn that crappy design into. I’m thinking the Taj Majal, or Michael Irvin.

Maybe go with "I just love chocolate mousse and butterflies."


WTF? Stanley?

Scranton, PA — Leslie David Baker, Stanley from The Office, gives us an Auto-tune gem that I hope will go viral. Much like sex with a midget, it’s just one of those things that you don’t know if you’re supposed to laugh during, or just enjoy, walk out of the room and pretend it never happened.

Watch: 2 Be Simple — Leslie David Baker and NUM


Laserman Electronica

Disneyland — The folks at Disney’s Imagineering Center must have the greatest drugs ever. I caught this one on the intraweb yesterday, and thought I’d share and save you the cost of pot brownies and a trip to Anaheim.

Watch: Laserman Electronica 2011, Disneyland — Youtube



Hump Day Fun


Have a Horn-y Hump Day

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  1. I’m having a hard time picking out my favorite pic today.

    The hump days always make me horny.

    • Red bikini. Def red bikini. No need to see her face. I don’t even care if she has a face.

      • Not sure if that even qualifies as a bikini. And for that, I thank her.

  2. Iran continues to confuse the heck out of me. I don’t even know what they’re thinking… On the upside of it all it makes Ahmadinejad look like a truly representative ruler.

    Trump is an ass, I can’t stand the man. ‘Nuff said.

    Aside from that good for the tattoo guy! She had it coming. It’s good to know that he was smart enough to have her sign a cya too!

    • I just cant imagine how that chick is going to get past the poo on her back. Hope she’s not a swimmer!

      • Freaking LOVE it!