Crap you should read Tuesday



Brownback, #HeBlowsAlot

Kansas — Emma Sullivan, 18, has some huge balls. The high school senior was one of 100 students attending a Youth in Government program last week in the state Capitol, and the group was “fortunate” to hear Governor Sam Brownback speak. Afterwards, Emma tweeted to her 65 followers, “Just made mean comments at gov. brownback and told him he sucked, in person #heblowsalot”. The funny thing is, she didn’t. Emma never said anything, only tweeted it.

But that minor detail started a series of events that will haunt the Kansas Governor. In a move that made Nixon happily fart in his grave, Gov Brownback apparently has his hawks scower the intraweb to read what his critcs say. One of his staff saw Emma’s Tweet, and called Shawnee Mission East High School to complain and demand an apology from the mean girl. The Principal ordered Sullivan to write a letter of apology, but finding herself an odd champion of free speech, Emma refused.

At some point, Team Brownback realized that at best they looked like crybabies squealing to the school principal about the girl who said mean things, and at worst looked like a government trying to suppress free speech. So rather than wait for an apology from the teenager, Gov. Brownback apologized to Emma for his overzealous staff. Sure it sounds like a cop-out apology, but don’t forget, #heblowsalot. Oh yeah, Emma now has almost 15,000 Twitter followers; so much for suppression.

Read: Brownback and the Tweet Apology — Dean Obeidallah on


Suicide for a Dream

Texas —   Joaquin Luna, 18,  killed himself for a dream; well the Dream Act anyway. Distraught over the lack of opportunities for immigrant youth in the USA, Joaquin put on a suit, kissed his family goodbye, went into the bathroom and shot himself. He took his own life to show politicians that their attacks on immigrants have consequences.

Obviously, I vehemently disagree with Luna’s choice of delivering this message, but it is an important one. Why are immigrant kids treated like criminals? Why don’t they get a fair shake at the American dream? To go further, I understand issues of “amnesty” but why have we not figured out a solution to the immigrant problem yet? Why is it so difficult for someone who wants to be an American citizen to become one?

It would be nice to think that Luna didn’t die in vain, but there is little chance that such a move will suddenly motivate politicians who score political points with a tough stance on immigration. Let’s not forget, Congress already had a chance to pass the Dream Act (which would legalize “illegal” students and young adults), but failed to do so. Its easier to win votes with bigotry and blame rather than by finding solutions for minorities.

Read: Illegal Immigrant student killed himself to be Martyr for Dream Act — Washington Times

"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses longing to be free. I'm not going to do anything with them, but you can still give them to me."Â


Fatty Foster Care

Ohio — An 8 year old Cleveland boy was put into foster care because he’s too fat. Cleveland social workers determined the 200 lb boy’s mother ignored the obvious health concerns  posed by his weight, so they took the boy away from his mother and put him “in the system”. Apparently Cleveland feels that future risks of heart disease or diabetes, or perhaps being kicked off Southwest Airlines, are more of a concern than the boy’s need of his mother or a mother’s right to raise her child.

Who the hell do they think they are? Aren’t there a hundred easier ways to handle this rather than breaking up a family? Put the kid on a diet for Pete’s sake, don’t take him away from his mom! Diet is not something to be regulated by the state. He was obviously over-nourished, not under-nourished. What’s next, taking kids away from parents because they let their kids watch Twilight or dance to rock-and-roll (aka “The Devil’s Music”)?

Unless the kid is being fed other kids, this is a horrible, disastrous decision.

Read:  Ohio puts 200lb 3rd Grader in Foster Care – USA Today

Call Social Services!!!!Â


Professor Kiddie Porn

Utah — I never figured out why people forget all rules of social order on a airplane and suddenly forget they’re not the only person on the plane. Sure it makes sense to forget others are around so you don’t feel guilty when you push your chair all the way back into someone’s lap, or if you need to drop that bomb you’ve been holding in since you passed into North Carolina airspace, but why do people forget that everyone can see their laptop computer?

Unfortunately for Grant Smith, 47, and all those sitting around him, he forgot his magic laptop cloaking device. That couldn’t deter Smith from checking out some porn. Not just any porn mind you, kiddie porn. Shoot, if you’re gonna go for it, go for broke! Needless to say, someone complained and Grant Smith (true story, Grant Smith was the original name my parents chose for me…) was arrested.

Smith is a college professor, what the hell would compel an allegedly intelligent man to do such an idiotic thing? He wasn’t whacking it, so why even risk it? This is a man an entrusted to teach our youth? I’m less upset about the fact this guy is a creep, than I am about the poor state of the educational system. Damn, that makes me a horrible person.

Read: Utah Man charged with watching Child Porn on flight to Boston — CBS Local

DING! You are now free to move around your jail cell


Pay the Cider House

Los Angeles — Tobey Maguire had to pay $80,000 because he kicked some douchebag’s ass in poker. For years, Maguire played in a huge, secret, back-room poker game that was a little bit Casino Royale and a lotta bit MTV Rock N Jock. Maguire was rumored to rake in more than $30 million over 3 years from a group that included Leo Dicaprio, Benn Aflleck, Matt Damon, Alex Rodriguez, and other businessmen with more spending money than you.

On the other hand of the poker-luck coin is Brad Ruderman who lost $25 million of his Capital Group’s funds in the secret game. His clients sued Maguire and the other players to get their illegally used money back. They initially alleged Tobey took upwards of $300k off Ruderman, (rumor has it Spidey raped him for $115 on one hand alone) but Maguire can only recall about $80k total. Hence the $80k settlement figure.

Personally, its Crap that Tobey had to pay any money back. It sucks that such a large sum was stolen, but how can anyone be forced to give up money they didn’t steal? Sure poker isn’t legal, but how can money be traced back through an unregulated circuit? It was likely a court wouldn’t find that Maguire should pay back the original $300k, but there’s no chance Tobey wanted the press that would come with the underground activity as well as run the risk of a judge looking to prove a lesson that celebrities don’t get slack.

Plus, the dude still has almost $30 million left from his poker winnings, not to mention a couple royalties that are still paying out. Other than his disastrous performance in Cryderman 3, I think he’s doing just fine.

Read: Tobey Maguire pays $80k to settle poker dispute —

Read: Superstar poker ring outed — The Ryno’s Horn

"All I have is my stare. When I speak, I sound like a puss."Â


Sign Me Up

Britain — Everyone’s favorite bar video game might have just switched from Golden Tee to Golden Pee. In an idea long overdue, Captive Media has released video games for the urinal. Obviously use of hands in such a locale would be distracting and unsanitary, so instead you use the cleanest tool in the room…your penis (hey, I wash my hands before I pee). The system has a choice of a few games (snowboarding, trivia, Breakout) and you use your pee-stream to control the action.

If you thought lines for the ladies room were too long, just wait until every men’s room turns into Gran Pee: Piss’O’Rama. Plus, can you imagine your high score after that first drunken seal-breaking piss of the night? I certainly won’t ever pee next to my brother anymore, who has a tendency to throw temper tantrums when playing poorly. Plus, you just know that restrooms are going to be filled with Asians now who will probably treat this like its Piss, Piss Revolution.

Am I the only one who can’t wait for Lucasfilm to create Jedi Urinal: Lightsaber Duel?

Read: This snowboarding game makes a real splash; the controller is the urinal

Current High Score is someone with the alias "R Kelly"Â


Bad Ass of the Day

Switzerland —  Yves Rossy is a Badass. Rossy lept from a helicopter over the Alps, and using his custom jet-pack, performed a series of awesome aerial tricks. The Rocketeer then caught up to two jets (they had to slow to 137mph – close to stalling), and flew with them in tandem across the sky.

I’m not sure if you realize, but the human body wasn’t really made to fly, let alone do so at speeds around 130 mph. If that was me, the video would be entitled “Man passes out in jet-pack while crapping his pants”.

Watch the baddass video below and see if you can’t help but wonder if when Rossy flies, do they have to calculate in his brass balls for weight purposes?

Watch:  Jet-Man flies alongside fighter jets in the Alps


It’s Awesome ‘Cause It’s True

Man, its just so hard NOT to smile while watching this video. Shut up, you love him too. GB2


Tuesday Fun

I leave you today with some of the most absurd sports quotes of all time, courtesy of Oh yeah, you get a little help from some of my favorite Horn-y Girls….

“When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you’re getting your ass hammered by guys…there’s no better feeling than to have that done” — Matt Stairs

“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” — Jason Kidd

“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father” — Greg Norman

“Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.” — Doug Collins

Reporter: “Did you visit the Parthenon while in Greece?” Shaquille O’Neill: “I can’t really remember the names of all the clubs we went to.”

“Left hand, right hand, it doesn’t matter. I’m amphibious.” — Charles Shackleford

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach  Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting ababy, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told aplayer who received four F’s and one D. “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”


Have a Horn-y Tuesday

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  1. It’s been a while!

    If the state will remove a child from their parent’s custody for safety reasons why shouldn’t they do the same thing for morbidly obese children. Clearly the parent is not fit to raise the child properly. That much weight at that age will have lasting harmful effects.

    Psychologically the child will be a disaster from all the teasing, but aside from that there are cholesterol, and diabetic worries as well. It really does become a life threatening situation.

    So, if the state takes a child out of a drug dealing known gang house or a domestic violence situation why should this be any different?

    That said, I also think the state has more important things to worry about than how many big macs mom gives junior. Besides, if the kid gets bullied maybe he Mayhem Miller can have him on his show

    • Its bad because there are certainly less damaging ways to fix a kid’s diet than to take him away from his mom. Obesity is dangerous, but there is no guarantee of any harm coming to the boy; he could lead a very happy long life, just not fit in a chair on a flight. The boy isn’t in immediate harm, just future harm, so there is plenty of time to step in and correct the issue.

      I’m not saying child obesity isn’t a problem, it surely is, but a state breaking up a family over it is unacceptable.

      Are you telling me they couldn’t have monitered the kid and set a diet? They couldn’t maybe mandate he see a doctor or a specialist that could help? Maybe educate the mother better on diet and health? Surely this isn’t the only family in Ohio unaware of how to lead a healthy life.

      There are plenty of ways to remedy this problem; unless Mom was intentionally stuffing him in hopes of seeing him explode, taking the child away and putting him in foster care shouldn’t even be on the list.

  2. You mean to tell me when you see these sadly obese kids on Maury and shows similar to that you’re not thinking, “what god let you reproduce?!”

    Granted, no parent is perfect and children don’t come with an instruction manual BUT I have no issue supporting the state if they step in and remove the child. Parents need to know that bad parenting has consequences beyond raising a little serial killer.

    Shame used to keep parents in check a decade ago, and parents used to keep their children in check. Nowadays, some parents just don’t care, and if this mother isn’t smart enough to know what she’s doing is harming her child then she has no business having a child in general! I’m glad the state stepped in, for the child’s sake.

    I don’t believe that the state should “parent”. I believe that responsibility falls squarely on the parent’s shoulders, but I can’t idly stand by and see someone ignorantly harm a child like that. There really is no excuse at all for letting an 8 year old weigh as much as I do!!

    • The Washington Post reported that, DCFS says they worked with the mom for over a year to try and get the kid’s weight under control. They also claim that she wasn’t following her doctor’s orders, though the mother says she was.

      They tried the diet and monitor situation, it seems that she just couldn’t/wouldn’t comply.

      • I am still vehemently against it. If the state/county INSISTS on doing something about his weight, then they should foot the bill for a counselor, nutritionist, live-in nurse…anything other than taking a child away from his parent.

        A parent’s choice of diet for kids (so long as they aren’t starving them) should not be a factor in losing custody to the state. Its even more hypocritical considering the government is passing pizza off as a vegetable.

        • So you’re against them taking the kid out of a bit situation where the parent is clearly negligent, but you’d be okay with them footing the bill to do what any “normal” parent would do in the first place?!

          A parent’s choice of an extreme diet absolutely should be a factor in losing custody. The child’s weight is a sign of bad parenting. It’s unsafe and totally unhealthy. If a parent is neglecting their child in other ways, they lose the child. Why should diet be any different??

          In regards to the government passing pizza as a veggie, you know that’s not true right? They clarified how many servings of vegetable are contained in tomato sauce -which is used in pizza. They’re saying an 8th of a cup of tomato sauce has the nutritional equivalent of a half cup of vegetables.

          If you read the actual report, there is no mention of pizza at all;

          • The pizza part comes in regards to school lunches. Its a different report than the one you provide.

            And I am against ALL state intervention in regards to the parents and their kids’ weight. I only said, if anything, Id rather they spend money on that than break up the family.

            You say its bad parenting…bad parenting ISNT illegal. The government shouldn’t tell you how to parent, or punish you for being a bad parent…they should help you be a better parent.

  3. Child neglect is illegal though. Her bad parenting is synonymous with neglect in this case.

    Is there more than one recent case where congress is to have passed pizza as a vegetable via an appropriations bill?