Crap you should read Tuesday


Vacancy Wall Street

Wall Street — NYPD stormed Zuccotti Park early Tuesday morning, evacuating Occupy Protesters from the park they’ve called home for two months. Cops arrested around 100 Occupiers and tear gassed the joint until the park was finally cleared by 4:30am. NY officials claimed Zuccotti Park had to be cleaned, and that all protesters would be allowed back into the park, only without with tents and tarps.

This is the same tactic Mayor Bloomberg tried to use a month ago, but it was loudly shot down for what it was: the City killing the protests by removing the ability to camp out and sleep at the park. This time Bloomberg had the dirty deed done in the middle of the night when the news cameras were off and no one had time to mount a media counter-offensive.

Fortunately for the Occupy movement, a NY Judge saw through the charade and ordered that protesters can be allowed back into the park WITH their tents and camping gear. When NY officials heard about the order, they closed the park again to make sure that no tents were set up while they sort out the legal mess.

How far will Bloomberg go to push the protesters off the Street where he made his fortune? Will the Wall Street protesters be able to remain unorganized if they lose their home-base and sleeping quarters? Protesters vow that this latest move will not stop them, but then they remembered just how damn cold it gets in NY from now until April.

Read: Judge Orders protesters back into Zuccotti Park —

"Hey, did you see my deodorant in that pile? I'm just kidding, I didn't bring any"


Cain Train Derailed

Milwaukee — Hermain Cain lost it during an interview this weekend, and by “it” I mean everything from his intelligence to the election. If Cain listened to his own advice and didn’t answer questions he didnt know about (Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan, anyone?) he’d never hear himself speak. Instead, while in Milwaukee for a Packers game, he fielded a question on how he would have handled Libya. Cain obviously had no idea what he was talking about. I’d call this the undoing of his campaign, but he’s already had about 25 of these undoing moments, but his “supporters” don’t actually care what this man says or does, they just know that they’re supposed to support him because they were told to.

Was he just doing his best to make his stammering brother-from-another-mother Rick Perry feel better? Cain squirmed in his seat worse than me after Steak N Shake, and looked around the room (and ceiling) for anything to say or do to end the pain. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that he was about to bust into “San Dimas High School Football RULES!” at any moment to call attention away from his idiocy.

Even though he clearly has no idea what he’s talking about, Cain is so ingrained to say he’d do everything better than Obama, that he defiantly declares his Libya approach would be better because he’d would have definitely done a better job researching the “opposition”, the Libyan rebels. This is something he utters repeatedly with conviction, but when asked if he knew anything about how President Obama researched the opposition, he said he had no idea. But he knows he would have done it better!

Classic. If it didn’t follow two minutes of stammering while trying to remember ANY position on Libya, it would be the funniest moment of the interview.

Read: Herman Cain Libya Comments draw criticism —


Sandusky with Costas

Penn State pedophile, Jerry Sandusky was interviewed last night by Bob Costas about the shocking allegations coming out of Happy Valley. His answers were mostly predictable denials, or explanations as to why his shady behavior with kids stems from his love for young people. If you didn’t think he was lying before, one particular response should seal the deal:

Costas: Are you sexually attracted to young boys, underage boys?

Sandusky: Am I sexually attracted to underage boys? Sexually attracted? No. I enjoy young people. I love to be around them, but…but…no, I’m not sexually attracted to young boys.

17 seconds. That’s how long it took for him to finally say “No I’m not sexually attracted to young boys.” An innocent man would have said “No” immediately, not hem and haw for 17 seconds like Herman Cain on Libya. The most troublesome aspect wasn’t even the multitude of lies, or the admission that he should have never showered with those kids. I was most shocked that Sandusky says Joe Paterno NEVER spoke to him a single time about any of the alleged incidents. Disgusting.

For the record, I usually detest Bob Costas, but I admire him repeatedly calling out Sandusky, and flat out suggesting he’s a monster.

CORRECTION: I’ve been pretty brutal blasting Mike McQueary for doing nothing after walking in on Sandusky ass-raping a 10 year old in the shower back in 2002. McQueary is now very vocal that he did pull Sandusky off of the boy, and not just run outside to call his dad. So, McQueary broke it up (so there is no denying it took place) but then just reported it to PSU and not the police. How did he sleep at night?

Watch: Jerry Sandusky interview with Bob Costas — Youtube


Fully Loaded

Santa Jose, CA — Talk about buying your van fully loaded. Charles Preston had problems rolling down the windows on his van, but was shocked when his mechanic found the cause. Turns out his van’s doors were stuffed with 19 kilos of cocaine, worth around $500,000 on the street.

Its not a case of Preston simply forgetting where he put his coke. The psychologist and philanthropist bought the refurbished rental-van from Thrifty Car Sales, so its likely that some mule loaded up the rental to drive across the border. But why did the cocaine never reach its destination? What happened to the mule?

Many people might say Preston hit the jackpot, or at least one week of reckly-fun with Lindsay Lohan, but Charles just feels fortunate he wasn’t tracked down over the last 15 months by drug cartels looking for their missing half-million dollar shipment.

I’m guessing Charlie Sheen is still trying to remember which Thrifty he returned that damn car to.

Read: Man takes Minivan into shop, finds $50k in Cocaine —

"I've got some white stuff, some Sunny-D..."


Butt Chugging and Vodka Tampons

There are a few ways that I’d contemplate getting wasted, but shoving something up my ass isn’t one of them. But two new fads celebrate doing just that. Butt Chugging is the art of funnelling through your ass. Vodka tampons are tampons soakedin, you guess it, vodka and inserted vaginally or anally. The advantages are that you get wasted quicker, and allegedly don’t have issues blowing a breathalyzer. The disadvatages, something up your ass.

Another disadvantage comes from the fact that your body has a mechanism for telling you when youve had to much, its called puking. Taco-Bell aside, your asshole doesnt do that. So you can get extra poisoned by imbibing alcohol up your butt. Plus, when you drink rectally, you wouldn’t believe the crap that comes out your mouth.

Read: Butt Chugging and Vodka Tampons —

She is not going to be happy when she sees backwash up closeÂ


Prime Time Spank-Banking

Victoria’s Secret held their seasonal excuse for prime-time soft-porn, and as always, it was certainly enjoyable enough to watch alone, or risque enough to uncomfortably watch with family. If you your DVR isn’t already wise to your viewing habits and failed to record this for you,  The Chive has you covered.

Read: Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show —

What's so Secret? They all love The HornÂ




Have a Horn-y Tuesday

Follow The Ryno on Facebook and Twitter or email