Crap you should read Thursday



Michigan — Mitt Romney slept real well Wednesday night; especially after he masturbated to replay footage of the CNBC debate held last night in Michigan. The topic of the debate was the Economy, but let’s be real; you all know the Republican economic philosophies: don’t raise taxes; blame Obama; cut government spending on Democratic programs; blame Obama; make the rich richer so they can create jobs; blame Obama; deregulate deregulate deregulate so corporations and banks can make more money to “create jobs”; do I really need to go on?

The only reason anyone tuned into this debate was to see how Herman Cain would hold up to inevitable questions about the numerous sexual harassment claims recently brought to light. Cain vehemently denied every single claim, blamed the “democratic machine” and then let everyone know they should move on, otherwise they’re the asshole:

‘I value my character and my integrity more than anything else and for every one person that came forward with a false allegation there are thousands that would say none of that sort of activity came from Herman Cain.’

So now his defense isn’t lying about never meeting the victims, or blaming the “democratic machine”, but rather “I don’t harass people ALL the time. I’m not sexually harassing you right now, am I? Innocence proven. Nailed it! “

That’s like OJ saying “I’ve never killed anyone else, so obviously I didn’t kill Nicole and Ron”, or Big Ben Roethlisberger  “You can ask a million girls if Ive raped them and they’d all probably say “no”. So how could I possibly have raped this one?”

But fortunately for Cain, Governor Rick Perry refused to be outdone in the free-falling Campaign category. Perry decided to treat CNBC viewers to one of the most embarrassing and cringe-worthy moments in Presidential debate history. When trying to list the 3 wasteful Agecies he’d cut, he forgot his own policy! I could write out the transcript of what was said, but that would rob you of experiencing the funniest moment of the night, and perhaps the entire Presidential race.

Somewhere Howard Dean just thanked Rick Perry. Oops.


A Sad Footnote

Happy Valley, PA — Joe Paterno was fired after 60+ years with Penn State University. After it became obvious that Paterno knew SOMETHING happened involving Jerry Sandusky and (at least one) boy and DIDN’T call the police, the well-respected coach’s impeccable reputation was forever tarnished. Sure Paterno didn’t molest any young boys, but because he (and apparently everyone else at Penn State) looked the other way, his friend was able to continue raping and molesting young boys. Paterno hoped to make it until the end of the season, but alas, no one cares what you want when you allow a child rapist to roam free.

What Paterno did was disgraceful, and its a shame that his inaction will wipe out a lifetime of helping young men and being a positive influence in their lives. Paterno’s accomplishments (and they were many) will never be mentioned without bringing up why he had to abruptly retire. I’m torn as to whether or not people who look the other way deserve to be imprisoned, but in Paterno’s case, his life work has been ruined. For a man who has spent decades building a career that should be talked about for college football eternity, that is a capital-punishment sentence.

But here is an even more grotesque rumor floating around that will put all others to shame. Mark Madden, a reporter who actually broke the Sandusky story back in April (how did it go ignored for so long?) had this to say during an interview yesterday:

“There’s a rumor that there will be a more shocking development from the Second Mile Foundation — and hold on to your stomachs, boys, this is gross, I will use the only language I can — that Jerry Sandusky and Second Mile were pimping out young boys to rich donors…The other thing I think that may eventually become uncovered, and I talked about this in my original article back in April, is that I think they’ll find out that Jerry Sandusky was told that he had to retire in exchange for a cover-up…My opinion is when Sandusky quit, everybody knew — not just at Penn State. I think it was a very poorly kept secret about college football in general, and that is why he never coached in college football again and retired at the relatively young age of 55. [That’s] young for a coach, certainly.”

Holy Crap! “Pimping out young boys to rich donors”? This is so egregious, I hope its just a rumor and not fact. Unfortunately, my “there’s no way its gonna get any worse” mantra is certainly being tested. Also, if Madden is right, and “everybody knew” then we’re going to be seeing many more PSU figures “retiring” soon. From the assistant who witnessed Sandusky raping a 10 year old boy in the locker-room shower, to all of those who heard the complaints from parents of the abused kids…how did none of them kick the living shit out of Sandusky? The fact that many knew of the sexual abuse, yet no one killed Sandusky at any point over the last 30 years, is a crime in itself.

As for Paterno, is there anyone in recent memory who fell from grace quicker than the Penn State legend? Watch the video below to see what some are calling his “Nixon waves goodbye” moment. Say what you want about the man, but when addressing supporters/students outside his house, Joe Pa was typical Joe Pa; he didn’t break down or fall into a blame game. He told supporters to pray for the victims, and reminded students to “Have a good night’s sleep…Study.” He’s always had Penn States student body in his heart, and that just makes the whole situation just so much more damn confusing.

Read: Joe Paterno fired from Penn State —

Read: Jerry Sandusky rumored to have been pimping out young boys through Second Mile to rich donors —


Mishandling the Dead  

Dover, DE — Things are getting kind of embarrassing at Dover Air Force base these days. Federal investigators have uncovered “gross mismanagement” at the Base’s mortuary, particularly in regards to the disposal of dead soldiers. Some of the more egregious offenses stem from a few years back, and include sawing off a soldiers arm so it would better fit in the coffin; misplacing severed body parts as well as cremating body parts that were the only remaining pieces of the soldiers bodies, and then unceremoniously handing it off to disposal contractors who dumped the ashes in landfills.

Needless to say, family members weren’t contacted, and were unable to pay their proper respects. The US military pledges to treat fallen soldiers with “reverence, dignity and respect”, but that “respect” thing comes into question when the Air Force allegedly found out about what was taking place at Dover, but then covered it up. The Feds only found out about it after certain Dover staff members came forward.

So far no one has been fired over this fiasco because the USAF believes the problems don’t stem from intentional maliciousness, but rather from the tough workload dealing with all the bodies coming back from overseas. I’m not sure how this one is going to play out, but my guess is someone is getting their ass sued soon.

Read: Air Force mishandled remains of deceased soldiers —

Read: Air Force Base mortuary workers unceremoniously dumped body parts of returning soldiers in landfill —

"Be careful soldiers. Don't drop it...on my foot"


Dieter’s Dream

Houston — Fat-asses and lazy bastards rejoice! Researchers at MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston have been testing a drug that causes weight loss without any exercise. The drug is called Adipotide, its a protein compound that “targets blood supply to fat cells, and kills them.”

Right now the drug is being tested in monkeys, but after less than a month of daily injections, the subjects averaged a loss of 11% of their body weight. The one down side (besides a slight, “reversible” change in kidneys) is that the weight loss was reversed about two weeks after stopping the daily injections.

Therefore, the drug isn’t a cure-all, but rather a great way to jump-start weight loss that can only be maintained through proper diet and exercise.

Human testing will come next, and hopefully this drug will hit the market soon thereafter so husbands will start having sex with their wives again.

Read: Diet Drug helps monkeys shed 11% body weight — MSNBC

I know someone who wants to sign up for testing...Â


Waking Ned Oh You Are Sooo Divine

England — Its the age old debate: are people born gay?  Do they choose to be gay?  Or do they have to smash their head, fall into a coma, and wake up gay? For Chris Birch, its the latter.

Birch, 26, was a rugby player engaged to his girlfriend, when he hurt himself trying to show off for friends. Birch attempted to do a backflip, but instead landed on his head and broke his neck. The injury caused his to suffer a stroke, and he ended up in a coma. But when Chris woke up, he was a completely different human being. He woke up gay.

‘I was gay when I woke up and I still am. It sounds strange but when I came round I immediately felt different. I wasn’t interested in women any more. I was definitely gay. I had never been attracted to a man before – I’d never even had any gay friends. But I didn’t care about who I was before, I had to be true to my feelings…

Suddenly, I hated everything about my old life. I didn’t get on with my friends, I hated sport and found my job boring. I started to take more pride in my appearance, bleached my hair and started working out. I went from a 19-stone skinhead to an 11-stone preened man.”

Chris quit his job at the bank, gave up sports, and starting working as a hairdresser. True story. I guess this is what happens when you’re in a coma, and the hospital TV is stuck on TBS playing “Don’t Mess with the Zohan” on loop. Unfortunately for Chris, his family isn’t as pumped about his new-found sexuality as his Partner is. I’m surprised they didn’t bash him on the head to see if they could reverse the effects. Either way, Chris claims he is exponentially more confident and comfortable now that he’s gay. This really sounds more like a sitcom premise or a Kate Hudson movie than real life.

But what happened? Forget even the sexuality part, how do you wake up from a stroke with a completely different personality? Was something “unlocked”? Or did the blood loss actually change the way his brain works? How does a stroke suddenly make you more into fashion and penis? If this is possible, how aren’t more football players and MMA fighters coming out of the closet?

Read: Man wakes up gay after stroke — 

Chris Birch loves Scrappy CocoÂ


Bad Ass of the Day

Garrett McNamara wins that title for surfing a friggen’ Tsunami. McNamara took down a 90 foot wave, which according to people who can apparently measure waves, is a world record.

Take a look at the video and applaud McNamara for not only besting this big ass wave, but for not crapping his pants in the process like you would have.


Thursday Dedication

This week belongs to one of the sexiest women in Hollywood that you never heard of, Sarah Shahi. This former Dallas Cowgirl is the daughter of an Iranian father and a Mexican mother, and she came into my life on NBC’s awesome show, Life, with Damian Lewis.

Sarah has also teased and titillated viewers of the L-Word and can now be seen on USA’s Fairly Legal. But today, you get to see this bombshell on The Horn. You’re welcome…


Have a Horn-y Thursday


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One Comment

  1. Good job thinking out the Penn State (JoePa) story instead of just piling on…