Crap you should read Wednesday


Holder must Hate Himself

Washington DC — Attorney General Eric Holder testified before a Senate Judiciary Committee on Tuesday about one of the most embarrassingly dangerous operations in the history of the Department of Justice. The joint ATF/DOJ Operation: Fast and Furious had the US selling illegal, GPS-tracked guns through a straw-purchaser to Mexican drug cartels. The hope was to trace the guns back through the weapons black-market and to the Cartels. The reality was that the crappy Radio Shack GPS tracking devices died, the US was unable to track them, and the Cartels got a crapload of illegal guns.

As the top law enforcer in the land, Holder had to explain what exactly took place, and indirectly try to save his own ass from being fired. Holder didn’t lay any blame, but was clear that he didn’t authorize the Operation and that he is strongly against “gun walking”. Duh. What he should have said is that he’s strongly against him and his Department of Justice looking like morons.

Things could have been a lot tougher, but Holder was lucky to face a friendly (Democratic) committee headed by Pat Leahy (D-Vermont) who started off the session rattling off the DOJ’s accomplishments under Holder. Obviously the Democrats will try to minimize any fallout, given that a disgraced DOJ and Attorney General could be a huge, embarrassing distraction for Obama in this upcoming election year. Testifying won’t be so easy when Holder goes in front of the House Oversight Committee headed by Republican bulldog, Darrell Issa (R-California). I’m sure we’ll hear a lot of blame then.

Either way, its a shame that this is going to be politicized and will end up with Democrats needlessly defending the issue against Republicans turning it into an Obama thing rather than tacking a serious problem. Someone (if not many someones) needs to be held accountable for this total brainfart of an Operation that has endangered American and Mexican lives.

Read: AG Holder testifies in Senate over botched Operation: Fast and Furious —


“Fags” force Ratner to Quit Oscars

Brett Ratner resigned from the Oscars. The notoriously obnoxious director was an already suspicious choice to produce the Academy Awards (and the only reason Eddie Murphy is host), but then he ran his mouth and spewed some moronic crap during interviews promoting his latest flop movie Tower Heist. As a result, Ratner had to officially back out of what he called “the proudest moment of his career”. Why wasn’t it Rush Hour 2, I wonder?

Besides claims of banging Hollywood actresses (he got caught lying about Olivia Munn), Ratner found himself in particularly hot water over his response to an inquiry regarding how much his actors (Eddie Murphy, Ben Stiller, et al) prepped before the cameras started rolling: “Rehearsing is for Fags.”

The fallout was standard-operating-procedure for ever famous person after they drop a “fag” or a “nigger” or claim “the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world”. First comes the forced apology, then the phony realization of the harms of bigotry, followed by the pretend plan for rehabilitation and curing the ills of the world.

“Having love in your heart doesn’t count for much if what comes out of your mouth is ugly and bigoted. With this in mind, and to all those who understandably feel that apologies are not enough, please know that I will be taking real action over the coming weeks and months in an effort to do everything I can both professionally and personally to help stamp out the kind of thoughtless bigotry I’ve so foolishly perpetuated.”

Ratner is an asshole. Everyone knows it, some people love him for it and some despise him. But it’s his brash personality that brought him from pitching the Forge restaraunt in Miami all the way to directing blockbuster movies. Why do we punish people for using stupid words? No one is harmed, and if they are, they’re gay way too sensitive. He didn’t call one person a name, he didn’t even verbally attack a group of people. All he did was talk about rehearsals, and use a negative word that indirectly implies that gays are “soft” or “over-prepared”.

Yes, people have the right to be offended, but then just hate the man who said the words. It’s ok to ignore his invitations to come over and watch GLEE, and its ok to not allow your adopted daughters to date the man, but people need to stop turning words into witch-hunts. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words shouldn’t cost you your job.

Plus, am I the only one who wanted to see WTF Ratner could have done to fuck up differentiate the Oscars from the snoozers of years past.

***Update: Eddie Murphy has officially quit the Oscars too since Ratner is gone. Billy Crystal just jizzed his pants…

Read: Brett Ratner quits Oscars after questionable remarks —

"Dude, I mean't "Fags" in a good way! Use it in a sentence? Ok....'Man that Michael Jordan is so Faggy!'"


Big Brother GPS

The Supreme Court heard arguments Tuesday on whether or not a GPS tracking device placed on a suspect’s car is unconstitutional. Some allege that 24-hour tracking devices are an overreaching breach of privacy. Others say that placing a device on a car is the same thing as round-the-clock surveillance by police officers, only cheaper. They argue if reasonable suspicion exists that the suspect needs following, why is one method acceptable and the other a breach of privacy?

The Court appeared to be leaning towards a constitutional ruling, especially after affirming that people have no expectation of privacy on the roads, as well as no fundamental right to be free from ANY Federal intervention.

While I agree that GPS trackers are a natural technological advancement of monitoring for law enforcement, the whole case does project a nasty slippery slope. If we have no right to privacy on the road, and we have no right of privacy when in public, then it’s a short leap to suggest that soon it’ll be ok to track ALL of our movements outside of our home. The Court will issue its opinion next summer, and bitching will start immediately thereafter.

Read: Supreme Court hears whether GPS counts as big brother —

Wanted for psychological abuse stemming from Wild Wild West and 7 PoundsÂ


Faux High

Florida —  I’m not sure if you heard, but marijuana and cocaine are illegal. Laws be damned, people still like to get effed up, so some crafty entrepreneurs started selling fake weed and fake cocaine to give people a “legal” buzz. Now synthetic weed and cocaine are packaged innocently (incense and bath salts, respectively) and sold in head shops across the country. Unfortunately, a lot of the chemicals used to create the fake crap are more dangerous and harmful than the real thing. Many users are getting sick and/or dying, so States are trying hard to outlaw the synthetic drugs.

Such is the case in Florida where the state and the dealers are stuck in a beautiful dance: the state routinely outlaws the chemicals, so the dealers just change the damn ingredients. Florida tries to crack down and arrest head-shop owners who still sell the synthetic crap, but the chemical changes make it so they haven’t sold anything illegal. Uh-oh.

My question is, why do we continue to punish people (head-shop owners) for mistakes made by others? It’s not a shop-owner’s problem that people do stupid things to themselves. We don’t punish Home Depot is a customer ate a box of nails, and we’d never punish Johnson & Johnson if people died snorting baby powder. We don’t even punish gun manufacturers when people shoot others. Its the idiots who improperly ingest the crap that should be punished; and they are…by getting sick!

I hate to point out the obvious but if the marijuana was legalized, people wouldn’t be smoking the fake, dangerous crap.

Read: Fake Coke/Weed Arrests on Rise — SunSentinel

"And this call it "Super Terry". I made it from bathrobe fibers and crayon shavings....siiiiick!"Â


WTF Dog?

I’m not sure if Oscar is marking his territory or just plain showing off, but either way, you have to watch this dog handstand-piss. Shut up, just watch it.



Can’t Get Arrested

Whatever happened to Uncle Joey and Principal Belding? Apparently they’re both alive and still working. Who knew? Both Dave Coullier and Dennis Haskins are both starring in a new web-series called Can’t Get Arrested. Also in this series is my friend and loyal Horn-ball, Jodie Sweetin.

The series is like SuperFriends for celebrities from our childhood. You might think its funny to see these people from TV all still hanging out, but I can tell you that the Full House crew is actually a close family, even now almost 20 years later. Jodie literally thinks of Dave as an Uncle and Bob Saget as a father figure. I’ve seen it first hand, when times got tough for Jodie, whether with relationships or otherwise, her TV family was always by her side.

I can’t attest for Haskins, even though when I’ve seen the man karaoke his ass off a few times (Bad Leroy Brown, if you’re wondering).

Watch the first two episodes of Can’t Get Arrested below…

Read: Full Blouse —


Hump Day Fun 

 (***as always, thanks to The Chive for so many of these great pics….)



Have a Horn-y Hump Day


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