Crap you should read Monday


Bloomberg Avoids Riot Disaster

New York City — Mayor Bloomberg avoided total disaster Friday morning when he wisely called off the planned evacuation of protesters from Zuccotti Park. The original plan was to force the evacuation of the park for an alleged cleaning, but promised everyone would be allowed to return. The catch was when the park reopened, protesters would have to abide by park rules that banned tarps, sleeping bags, tents, and even laying down. While the park is certainly not pristine these days, to many this seemed like an obvious attempt to essentially kill the Occupy movement camped out there. Let’s just say that many saw through the Mayor’s little plan.

If Bloomberg followed through, NYPD would have run into a mob of protestors linked arm in arm. The cameras would have captured what’s sure to have been a mass arrest, which would have easily developed into a riot. The country (and the world) would have scene amazing video of NYPD cops beating and pepper-spraying an unruly mob. There is no way the it would have played well, and would have certainly pushed public opinion away even farther towards the “peaceful” protesters. No matter who was at “fault”, mass chaos would have erupted around the country in support of the beaten citizens and made the 1% and the state look like fascist assholes.

Fortunately Bloomberg (or possibly a call from someone up above) realized what would have unfolded and called the sanitary evacuation off. Rumor has it the park still smells like crap and coitus.

Read: Eviction of Occupy Wall St Protesters postponed —

Read: White House draws closer to Occupy Wall St; Obama is fighting for the 99% —

"You use Dial...."


Horrible IndyCar Crash

Las Vegas— A huge 15 car accident took place at the Las Vegas Indy 300, and claimed the life of IndyCar Champion Dan Wheldon. Many spectators on hand were shocked and crying at the gruesome scene, but lets be honest, the majority saw exactly what they hoped for when the purchased their ticket. Some question whether the crash resulted from reckless and foolish driving, but isn’t all driving over 200 mph reckless and foolish?

The racing world is mourning Wheldon, a 2 time Indy 500 champion, but his passing will live on forever in YouTube infamy. Check out the video below from Will Powers’ car, that shows the crazy, unavoidable chaos.

Read: Could Wheldon IndyCar Crash been avoided? — Christian Science Monitor


Gattaca Soccer

Scientists recently tested over a hundred more football soccer players to bolster their study that DNA holds the key to whether people are predisposed to injuries. Apparently certain genes that actually make bones weaker, and muscles and tendons more susceptible to tearing. Among other things, the studies have found:

…mutations in a collagen gene called COL5A1 led to the ribbon-like structure that supports the tendon being more loosely connected, making the tendon less stable as a result.

People might be predisposed to weaker body parts, but does that automatically mean they won’t be successful on the field? The genetic code just means you’re more likely to be injured, but it doesn’t mean that the injury-inducing event will ever actually take place. Unfortunately, some clubs will eventually test all incoming players, and that means they can/will young talent before they even have a chance to prove themselves.

Trust me, as someone who grew up with hemophilia, I understand how much it sucks to be barred from playing because people are worried you’ll hurt yourself and bleed internally on their watch. Sure, I might be alive, but the world of professional sports has been cheated by my absence.

Read: Scientists study 100 soccer players to determine if can test for DNA for predisposition to injury —

I have a couple guys I think you should test...


No Principal

Marshall, TX — An Assistant Principal at Marshall Junior High School is in some hot water because of an idiotic application of the school’s grooming laws. The AP called Sheldon Williams out of class, appalled that Sheldon had two lines shaved into his head. Sheldon has worn his hair with the two lines for years, but it suddenly became a horrible violation of the school’s grooming code (presumably because they associate certain styles as gang-related) that only allows a single hair-part. To remedy the “violation”, the AP took a Sharpee marker and colored in Sheldon’s “illegal” second line.

Needless to say, Sheldon and his family were pissed, and the AP will almost surely be charged with some type of assault. These types of grooming laws are moronic and unduly stifle individual expression. I think the surest way to end gang violence is to, you know, fight the violence, not the haircuts.

Read: Smudged lines in hair controversy —

Marker to cover bald spots? REALLY? Because I'm always down for new tricks.


Crappy Phones

You might think you’re clean, but your cell phone has some dirty crap on it, and I’m not talking porn. British scientists say that your cellphone is dirtier than hell, collecting/spreading bacteria. Apparently 92% of cellphones have some type of bacteria on them, and 1 in 6 cellphones tested positive for E-coli, often associated with fecal matter.

One of the reasons the numbers are so high is that fecal bacteria is easily transferred and kept alive in warmer temps. Combine your warm cellphone with your penchant to text while pissing or playing Words while deucing and you have a prime breeding ground for germs.

Read: 1 in 6 cellphones tested positive for fecal matter — Huffington Post

"Hey man, can you shake this for me, I have to send a text..."


Zuckerberg Unplugged

Back in the days when Facebook was a tiny company with only 5 million members, Mark Zuckerberg knew wanted to keep from growing into an omnipresent corporate conglomerate. In 2006, a beer-drinking Zuckerberg gave a candid interview to some dude with a camcorder and discusses why he wants Facebook to stay relatively small and intimate.

There doesn’t necessarily have to be more. You know? I mean, like, a lot of people are focused on taking over the world, or doing, like, the biggest thing — getting the most users. And, I mean, I think, like, part of making a difference and doing something cool is focusing intensely. There is a level of service that we could provide when we were just at Harvard that we can’t provide for all of the colleges, and theres a level of service we can provide when we’re a college network that we wouldn’t be able to provide if we went to other types of things.

Was Zuck’s beer roofied or did he just sell out?

Read: Beer Swilling Facebook CEO warned against expansion in 2005 —

Watch: Zuckerberg lets loose at during interview in 2005 — Youtube


Mel’s Maccabees 

Mel Gibson has apparently waited the prescribed time that Hollywood allots for punishment for repeated anti-semitism, possibly wife beating, and verified voice-message abuse.

Robert Downey Jr was honored Friday night with the  American Cinematheque Award for 2011, and on hand to present it was his good buddy Mel. Mel and Ironman used to hang out back in the days of Air America, and when Downey was at his worst, Mel was there to pick him up. According to the LA Times:

Downey said that “when I couldn’t get sober, Mel helped me,” keeping a roof over his head and food on his table, and helping him get work. According to Downey, Gibson told him that he needed to find his faith and embrace responsibility for his acts, and if he did so, his life would find new meaning. “Hugging the cactus, he called it, and all he asked was that I help the next guy” in a similar situation. “It’s reasonable to assume that he didn’t expect the next guy would be him.” As Gibson looked at his shoes, Downey proclaimed that Gibson himself had “hugged the cactus long enough” and deserved support.

It’s sweet to see someone so clearly benefited from the understanding and compassion of others step up and do the same for someone else. Unfortunately for Mel, Gran Torino was already made, and there aren’t any 60 year old superheros out there for him to play, so its going to be much harder for us to find it in our hearts to forgive him.

The Slow but methodical rehabilitation of Mel Gibson in Hollywood takes another step with Robert Downey Jr —

Wallace and Robert the Downey unite the clans


Monday Fun

"Yup. That's the one."Â

"Dad, I have to....I mean had to go..."

"Where you at Charlie Brown???"

"Ummm...I'm here for the gang bang."


Makes it all betterÂ

"We all clear?"

At least some are having a Horn-y day...

So....Team Jacob?

Obviously not Jewish

"You know when that Butterbeer finally hits your lips...mmmmmmm..."

Looks like the Genie's been hittin' the Bottle

That's Wayne Gretzky's daughter. Seriously. She must be "The Great Two"

Have a Horn-y Monday

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One Comment

  1. For someone who isn’t particularly known for his visual acuity, I have to say that he showed a great amount of foreSIGHT in this situation!