Crap you should read Monday (10/10)



Pakistan hates US 

Dr. Shakeel Afridi should be considered a hero. After all, he is one of the many pieces that came together to bring down Osama bin Laden. But Dr. Afridi is being charged by Pakistan with Treason for giving his assistance to the CIA.

Dr. Afridi was the believable face of an elaborate hoax of a vaccination program created by the CIA to determine if the people at the Abbottabad compound were related to the Al Qaeda leader. Now Pakistan’s insistence on charging him with Treason is really all the proof many need to show Pakistan was covering up Bin Laden’s whereabouts. The US has aksed for Dr. Shakeel’s release for some time, because they obviously feel responsible for his situation, even more so considering Treason is often punished by lifetime imprisonment or death. Needless to say, Pakistan could give a crap if we feel bad.

Sure we banged Pakistan’s wife on the JumboTron when we pissed in their sandbox and stole bin Laden…but does patriotic pride warrant ending someone’s life who helped take down the most-wanted man in the history of the world?

Pakistan is not our friend. They will only “help” us if it suits their needs, which means taking out their enemies or establishing dominance in the region. Right now their need is to show that no one can work with the US without their say-so, and apparently to prove to terrorists clientele that they’re safe in Pakistan if they have the clout. That doesn’t bode well for Dr. Afridi or anyone in the future contemplating helping the US.

Read: Doctor that helped catch Bin Laden being tried for treason in Pakistan — CNN

"I told you he was in there, but nobody wants to listen to the Ryno..."


FBI Facials

SkyNet has just signed on. The FBI has announced its super-duper facial recognition program that will let police upload a mysterious photo and quickly sort through online images in law enforcement databases to find a match. The $1billion overhaul will integrate local law enforcement systems to allow all to access the over 10 million images (mugshots, etc) to help find the bad guy.

While it sounds like a Bat-worthy crime-fighting gadget, its only a matter of time before the information is put to use in more Big Brother-ish ways.

First, its inevitable this information will fall into the wrong hands. Sure the Feds say the info is all super classified, but that means crap. Anything can be hacked. If you’ve been arrested (whether legitimately or because your baby mamma lied to the cops to teach you a lesson), your mugshots will always be “tagged” to your face. So any employer, hacker, or future child could eventually pull up this info.

This overhaul is just the foundation for a nationwide tracking system. Our government is creating the databases and programs that will track us for the rest of our lives. Awesome. Nothing we can do about it. They claim its just for the criminals, but it will soon spread out to immigration, and eventually to all local law enforcement to “help them solve crimes”.

Goodbye Privacy, hello government sponsored paparazzi.

Read: Facial Recognition software launched by FBI to help police catch wanted criminals —

"I really don't see what the big deal is..."


Marlins Mishaps

The Florida Miami Marlins really don’t need to be looking for more ways to alienate fans. They’ve already pissed off enough people with lies and shady bookkeeping that helped them raid $370million in city-funding from our cash-strapped city/county to build a ballpark for a team that no one goes to see.

The font of the Giants, the colors of a New Mexico Utility Co, and lots of LSD

Now they’re doing their best to make sure that Marlins fans aren’t so embarrassed by the play on the field, by making them more embarrassed by the product everywhere else.

A couple weeks ago the few Marlins fans were in an uproar after the new logo for the Miami Marlins “debuted” on the intraweb. It looks like it was sketched by an autistic kid with broken crayons on a Macaroni Grill table cloth. Now that furor has died down because something more atrocious came out of the woodwork. Last week brought word of the automated sculpture that would come to life following Marlins’ home runs. It looks like Guy Harvey vomited and Romero Britto tried to design with the puke.

It can’t be that bad, you say? Just try to imagine what a Marlin sculpture could look like, then throw that idea out, think of something worse, then plug that idea into the wall and watch it spin around like a trippy Little Mermaid Orgy. It’s that tacky.

Read: Marlins Sculpture cannot possibly be real —

Is this a LGBT Parade float?


Blind Bass Asses of the Day

Last week Max Ashton threw out the opening pitch of Game 4 of the National League Divisional Series between the Diamonbacks and the Brewers. While that doesn’t sound like a big deal, consider that Max Ashton is blind. And he hit the catcher right in his glove. Pretty awesome and inspiring stuff.

As amazing as it is, it’s not the first time a blind man has thrown out the first pitch. Isaac Lidsky, the founder of Blind Hope for Vision, threw out the opening pitch at a Marlins game back in 2007. I went to elementary school with Isaac, and have followed his journey as a motivational story of triumph. Glad I get to share it with you Hornballs.

Remember that thing you were bitching about being too hard to do? Think it might be time to come up with a new excuse.


Michael Jackson Dolly

This really isn’t news, per se, but it definitely caught my attention. A life-sized doll of a boy dressed in some Sound of Music dungarees was found in MJ’s bed when he died. This doll is what the guy slept with. I’m not saying thats weird, I’m saying that it’s REALLY FUCKING WEIRD.

This is like the equivalent of a blow-up doll for real adults, except (just like with real women) dudes usually chuck the blow-up dolls out of their beds when they’re done banging. Michael lets them sleep over.

I’m looking at the Man in the Mirror, and his jaw is dropped at the fact he partially believed Michael back in the day when he said he didn’t diddle those boys.

This would be creepy even if it was Suri Cruise's bed


Insure My Ass

The Chive ran an interesting photo list of the most outrageously insured body parts of all time. (**figures adjusted for inflation)

On the list are singers who took out policies for their voices, such as Bruce Springstein ($31.2 million policy) and Rod Stewart ($17.2 million).  Others on the list seem to feel that their legs are their moneymakers. Rhianna ($1million) Heidi Klum ($2.2 million)  Jaime Lee Curtis ($2.8million), and Tina Turner ($3.2 million) all rely on their sticks to pay the mortgage. Even Riverdancing Michael Flattery ($40 million on his feet) knows what butters his bread. But apparently David Beckham has the most spectacular legs in the world because someone insured this bastard for $70 million.

Some entertainers know they have something else besides their voice to attribute their success to.  Dolly Parton took out a $3.8 million policy on her boobs. Tom Jones was apparently especially worried for what might happen to his $7 million dollar chest hair.

But the big winner is apparently Jennifer Lopez who knows full well that she’d be nothing without her most famous ASSet. She insured her HUGE badonkadonk to the tune of $300 million.

How much to insure this Horn?

Read: The Highest Insured Body Parts in Celebrity History — The Chive

They should insure those pants


Oh, Troy

Troy Polamalu can really scare the crap out of you, whether its on the football field, or at Madame Tussauds in Hollywood. Check out the video below for some good laughs and to see one of the better personalities of the NFL in action. And also to wonder why so many people want to touch Polamalu’s hair.


I think she's saying "Have a Horn-y Monday"...

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