A Manny-Pack, Are You Kidding Me?

Almost, but still not cool


by Justin “J-Smitty” Smith


I am sitting on a plane as I write this, and while this would usually be a mundane event of heavy drinking and planning future SkyMall purchases, right now I am transfixed on a man waiting for the bathroom. This guy is in his late 50’s/early 60’s, and waiting for the privilege of using the spacious bathroom.

Why am I staring at him? Because this man is wearing a Fanny-Pack.

Are you kidding me? A Fanny-Pack?

How is this acceptable? I’m going out on a limb and saying he’s a straight man.  I know because I have a spot on gay-dar. Plus I offered to suck him off and he said no.

So he here stands in front of me proudly wearing his Fanny-Pack like a UFC title belt.  His chest is puffed out, his arms are crossed, and his stare overlooks the back half of the plane like Zeus on Mt. Olympus.

How does a man with a Fanny-Pack (and I can only assume a deuce on-deck) have this kind of confidence? His black, pleather waist-purse is tucked under his midsection as if this wardrobe monstrosity is as commonplace as a neck tie.

Bravo sir. That's not applause, I'm saying you probably only watch Bravo Channel

The presence of this heterosexual man’s Fanny-Pack leaves me with two unanswered questions: First, what in the world is in his Pack? Second, at what age do men stop caring about what other people think about them and their Fanny-Pack?

For Christ sake, we’re 30,000 feet in the air and flying for almost 3 hours; even if he needed the Fanny-Pack to haul those extra belongings onto the plane to avoid the $75 bag fee, surely its storage purposes have been satisfied.

What could he possible have in there that he needs in the airplane crapper?

Could it be butt-wipes? Preparation-H? The embarrassment of admitting you use such goods could warrant the this wardrobe-malfunction, but if it was me, I’d rather boast of my exceptionally clean and rash-free ass before wearing the not-so-metrosexual storage belt.

What else could be in there, his weed stash? After all, hiding your weed in plain site is fucking genius.  Not even Robocop would think a man wearing a Fanny-Pack is using it to mule drugs. Unfortunately, I know this can’t be the case. There’s a smoke alarm in the bathroom, which means no smoking.  Dammit, what is in this guy’s Manny-Pack?

I want to ask him, but there is no way I could possibly verbalize the question without sounding condescending.  It would be like asking Sarah Palin to name all 50 states, knowing she wouldn’t get to 30.

Okay, I am racking my brain.  Could it be his wallet and his cell phone?  Nope, because I shit you not, I just spotted that this douche has a cell phone holstered in a case on his right hip.  Did an accessory store throw up all over this guy’s midsection?

As far as the wallet, it could be in there, but he has shorts on with two pockets on the side and two pockets that button in the back.  Surely, the purchase of his Manny-Pack couldn’t have been to deter wallet theft in such shorts.  Not even a stripper wants a man’s wallet out of his pocket that bad.

Surprisingly the Pack is the least sketchy thing about the Hulkster

Condom’s?  Could he have a plethora of Trojans?  Could this guy (who looks like the lovechild of Tony Sparano and the Quaker Oats guy) actually have that much sex?  Nope, he has a wedding ring on his finger, so he’s not having any sex at all.

It’s got to the point where I want him to open it up more than I want Sofia Vergara to open her blouse.  What’s in the Pack?  What’s in the Pack?

When did this guy take the Manny-Pack plunge?  Does it happen at 50? Does it happen at 60?  Is age not the factor?  Is this in direct response to outside factors? Maybe he’s impotent.  I know it seems random, but I’ve always assumed that when a man is no longer able to get an erection, he metamorphizes into rational and reasonable human being. Maybe he’s just put the practicality of transporting his Q-Tips above appearance since he’s no longer on the hunt for red october (or non-bloody vagina as well). And that Fanny Pac is practical; that’s why weed, lighter, wallet, condoms, toilet paper, phone, tissues, knife, etc. are all on the table.

However, I’m now doubting the flaccid penis thing, because this guy is blatantly ogling the boobs of the woman sitting next to me.  A modest B-cup with a low cut shirt and this guy is hawking them like a lion searching for his next meal.  As I said before, I assume that stops when the pecker does. It doesn’t make sense to load up the spank bank if you could never unleash it.  As men, we would eventually explode, so I don’t think nature would let him do it.

Even if one argues for the Pack’s practicality, you shouldn’t proudly show it off like a Super Bowl ring.  He should shamefully cover it with his shirt and tuck it into his pants.  At least this way, people would think it was FUPA and feel bad for him.

I am truly at a loss.  I don’t know when you finally throw in the towel and decide you will go against the societal norm of being a man, but I fear that time.  Not just for myself, but for others.

When that point comes in my life and the world hears the clicking sound coming from my waist as I fasten the Manny-Pack to my upper-pubic area, watch out world! I am plummeting, and all of you are in my way to rock bottom.

The end is nigh...

One Comment

  1. In all fairness, if you ever don the belt of disgrace I’ll think it’s your fupa.

    At least when you take your swan dive you’ll be able to use your fupa to soften the impact!