Crap you should read Thursday (9/29)

 

 

Happy New Year to all my Jewish Horn-balls. To celebrate, I give you a story about how Iran wants to end the world. I know you love that Crap…

 

Iran off our Coast

The New World Order is here, but its nothing like Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld-Wolfowitz tandem dreamed it would be. Now it’s a whole bunch of countries that want to challenge the shit out of the US like they’re new fish and we’re the biggest dude in prison. The latest example was Iran’s announcement that it plans to park their submarines directly off our coast.

“…the same way that the world arrogant power is present near our marine borders, we, with the help of our sailors who follow the concept of the supreme jurisprudence, shall also establish a powerful presence near the marine borders of the United States.”

Yeah, I feel safe. Once they finish building their nuke, I’ll probably feel safer. Make no mistake, there are definitely Russian and Chinese subs already floating off our coast (we have them all tagged and under surveillance), but Russia and China live in a world of deterrence from Mutually Assured Destruction. Iran, a nation run by Islamist extremists, probably doesn’t subscribe to the same philosophies. Death is just a quicker ticket to chill with Allah and virgins.

Iran is doing its best to establish themselves as the leaders of the Middle East, and nothing makes a strong Middle East power like standing up to the big, bad, world arrogant power of the United States. Provoking us into a major attack would make them that much more “powerful” and give them justification for all their lies and manipulation. It will be extremely interesting to see how our government reacts to this, but I can’t imagine they’re going to hand them Iran a preferred parking spot on our doorstep next to the handicapped and expectant mothers.

Read: Iran to post Navy subs off American coast — CNN

"Come on, Katy. Let's bounce before Iran gets here..."

 

Muck Divers

Speaking of subs, it seems that Narco-submarines are quite the rage these days in the drug running community. The self-propelled semi-submersibles are usually about 100 feet long and can carry a half-dozen crew and 6 tons of product. One such sub was captured back in July with 15,000 pounds of coke ($180 million street value), and another was just captured on September 17 in the West Caribbean. In the latest case, the Coast Guard was able to detain the crew, but not before they scuttled the sub and dropped it to the bottom of the Caribbean.

That’s where the FBI Technical Dive Team team comes in. The Team is the Delta Force of dive teams, specially trained to conduct their missions in the worst of conditions; the murky, diesel-filled waters around the scuttled remains of a drug sub qualify as such.

The Technical Dive Team is straight out of that horrible movie where Cuba Gooding Jr keeps calling Robert DeNire “Master Chief”. They don’t have normal tanks strapped to their backs, but are connected to the boat topside by hoses and filters. They even wear the large antique iron helmets to protect them from the hazardous, polluted waters. Their main purpose is to fight terrorism and help solve such crimes at the deepest depths, but they’ve been essential in recovering the lost drugs and evidence from the scuttled subs. Hopefully they’ll find Cuba Gooding down there, because he certainly hasn’t surfaced in years.

Read: FBI Technical Dive Team — CNN

It's about now that Agent Sculder realizes pre-dive Taco Bell was a bad idea.Â

 

DC Attack Thwarted

Massachusetts —  Rezwan  Ferdaus hates America a little bit, so its a good thing he was finally arrested by Feds on Wednesday. Ferdaus has been plotting since early 2010 to blow up the Capitol Buiilding and the Pentagon with remote-controlled planes fitted with C-4.

The Feds initially spotted Ferdaus because of his specialty – the sale of mobile-phone detonators – and he’s been on their radar ever since. They set up a sting operation, and he sold undercover agents 8 mobile-phone detonators thinking they were on their way to Iraq. It was through this sting that he started confessing his desire to attack the Pentagon and Capitol building, even killing women and children because they were “enemies of Allah.”

The Feds then set him up by supplying him with c4 and a model airplane to get his plan underway. As soon as he accepted the weapons, he was busted. This is one of those plots that makes you realize that although we feel safe, its too damn easy it is to wreak havoc on society. Had Ferdaus not been operating his little detonator business, his plot to blow up DC buildings could have easily succeeded. There’s nothing we can do to prevent every single method of terrorism, but it’s nice to know that we’re still vigilant, and that these idiots keep screwing up their opportunities.

Read: Man arrested for alleged plot to blow up Capitol and Pentagon with remote controlled plane — Washington Post

"I hate america! But I looooooove the Bulls"

 

Bolsa de Cabezas

Acapulco — What happened to leaving an apple on your teacher’s desk? A bag containing 5 severed heads was found outside of a primary school and many believe its related to the recent threats from Drug Cartels trying to extort money from Mexico’s teachers. The Cartels want half of the teachers’ salaries…or else. Apparently a bag of severed heads is the “or else”.

The crackdown on the Drug Cartels has left operational budgets pretty thin, so now they’ve turned to extorting teachers. Almost 150 schools have been closed in recent weeks because of the dangers. Teachers. Who needs em? Especially in a country where you can either leave and grow up to be a farmer or maid, or stay and grow up to be dead.

I’m shocked that this is still going on. I thought Antonio Banderas took care of this crap with his guitar-case a long time ago.

Read: Bag of severed heads left outside of school in Mexico — NBC Miami

"Whats in the box? Whats in the booooxxxx? Oh, its a bag? Whats in the baaaag?"

 

Exploding Crap

Washington DC — In a day where Iran is parking subs off our coast, a terrorist plots to blow up DC with remote-controlled places, and severed heads show up in bags, its amazing that I can top that all with the SCARIEST story of the day….an exploding toilet.

A DC woman was seriously injured and taken to the hospital because she was sitting on a toilet that exploded from reversed pressure. She’ll be fine, but I won’t be; this is one my my greatest fears realized. Its the same way I freak out when I find a spider in the shower; I know there was only one, but for the next week, I feel like they’re pouring out of the faucet like Matrix sentinels. The thought of the pooper exploding while I’m mid-deuce is paralyzing. I’m going to start crapping in urinals.

Read: Exploding toilet sends woman to hospital — Huffington Post

I never understood how Troy drops a deuce in a uni-tard

 

Smuggling Peckers

Cayenne, French Guinea — Tweeting can get you in trouble, just ask the guy arrested by Customs officials after they noticed him acting a little figgity as he made his way through Rochambeau airport. Turns out the Dutch man didn’t have ants in his pants, but more than a dozen exotic hummingbirds smuggled in his crotch. Each bird was taped and sewn into the lining of his pants.

From the angle of the picture, it looks like the dozen-plus tiny peckers were facing his tiny pecker, so I’m wondering how the hell this didn’t hurt him the entire time. You also know this didn’t take place on Southwest Airlines, because his ass would have been tossed as soon as an attendant saw him sticking his hand down his pants.

What do you think is more embarrassing for this guy: the fact he got caught a second time for the same crime, or that his small not so Anthony Weiner is now floating around the interweb?

Read: Traveller arrested trying to smuggle hummingbirds in his pants — DailyMail

"Is there a dozen hummingbirds in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?....Oh, CERTAINLY not happy to see me"

 

I Submit

Submission moves and hot chicks…these are a few of my favorite things. I submit to you a video that will simultaneously turn you on, and make you feel like a pussy. Some people like that combo, but I just want to know if it’s socially acceptable yet to hit a woman who can kick your ass.

I’m just gonna start training just in case.

Watch: Hot chicks teach you MMA — IamBored.com

 

 

Have a Horn-y one...

 

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