Crap you should read this Weekend (9/23)

Thank God for Oktoberfest

 

 

Pakistani Intelligence     Afghan Terror

Pakistan is not our ally. Apparently, Pakistani Intelligence Agency (ISI) planned and conducted numerous terrorist attacks in Afghanistan that have resulted in a number of American casualties. Adm. Mike Mullen, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and Defense Secretary Leon Panetta addressed a Senate Armed Forces Committee on Thursday to share their troubling news. According to the Washington Post:

“The Haqqani network … acts as a veritable arm of Pakistan’s Inter-Services Intelligence agency…With ISI support, Haqqani operatives plan and conducted” a truck bomb attack that wounded more than 70 U.S. and NATO troops on Sept. 11, “as well as the assault on our embassy” two days later. “We also have credible intelligence that they were behind the June 28th attack on the Intercontinental Hotel in Kabul and a host of smaller but effective operations.”

Remember, these are our allies. We’ve given them $2billion a year to for security, etc. We’ve always known that the Pakistanis play both sides of the coin, but every single one of these actions is a SERIOUS act of War from Pakistan. An Embassy is a little piece of your country, so if its proven that ISI was complicit in the attack on the US Embassy in Kabul, then that’s considered an attack directly on our home soil.

We’re already going to crack down hard on the Haqqani network of terrorists, but if the Pakistani government is involved (which has to be likely considering Mullen, one of Pakistan’s stronger advocates over the years is coming out against them) things will get VERY interesting. And by interesting I mean they have the frickin’ atomic bomb and love to play with terrorists.

Read: Mullen asserts Pakistani Role in Afghanistan attacks — Washington Post

"What I mean, sir, is that they're full of shit"

 

ahMADinjad Clears the Room

New York — Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad loves coming to the United Nation to preach his anti-American, anti-Israeli gibberish, and boy does he know how to clear a room.

In his speech to the world’s top diplomats and peace-makers, ahMADinejad said such fun things as: calling for the destruction of Israel and the US; calling the Holocaust a myth and a means to exploit ransom or fines from Europe; 9/11 was a “mysterious” hoax designed as a pretext for going to war in the middle east; the US’s assault on Bin Laden was illegal and they should have led a stronger “Fact finding” mission to determine guilt; the US is a country of slavery responsible for all of the world’s financial problems; the Zionists are responsible for the rest of the world’s ills, including unrest in Korea…and the list goes on.

Here’s the kicker:

“…the world is in need of change, and Marxism, liberalism, humanism and the West could not solve man’s problems…relying on its culture and rich civilization,” Iran is “the only nation” that “can offer a new model for life to the world.”

During this ridiculous rant, more than half of hall’s delegates cleared out. I’m guessing the only reason they came in the first place was to get caught on camera walking out on the nutbag lie-monger. Either way, this Great Walkout is a yearly ritual, but I’m not sure how Iran is even invited. There should be a hardfast rule that if you loudly decry the destruction of another country, and push for them to be wiped off the face of the Earth, you are no longer invited to the United Nations. It would be a great rule, except then there’d be no Arab representation at all at the UN.

Read: Ahmadinejad Addresses UN, mass exodus of delegates who refuse to listen to his lies – LA times

"I know...it's embarrassing"

 

Speed of Light is Slow

Geneva — Nothing is faster than the speed of light; thanks to Einstein’s E=MC2 theory of relativity (Energy=Mass x Speed of Light), its one of the firmest rulesupon which modern science is founded. But now Scientists at CERN are baffled by an accidental discovery that could prove it completely wrong.

Their experiment shot subatomic particles called neutrinos from a reactor in the French/Swiss border through an underground tunnel to a detector 454 miles away in Italy. After  numerous runs, they couldn’t believe what they found: the neutrinos reached the detector sooner than expected. The neutrinos flew at 186,282 miles per second and arrived 60 nanoseconds faster than the speed of light. FASTER than light. We’re talking Kessell Run in 12 Parsecs- fast.

The group is being extremely thorough before they assert their findings as fact, and are asking for scientists all over the world to double-check their findings. The International Doping Agency is checking Nuetrino for steroids and HGH, but in the meantime Neutrino will be hitting up the morning talk-circuit, and is slated to star in his own movie opposite Taylor Lautner.

Read: Neutrinos clocked moving faster than speed of light — MSNBC

Mr. Light won't stop running until he gets his record back

 

Sky Dive-icide

New York — Robert Raecke, 60, loved to skydive. He also really liked to kill himself. Good thing for him he found a way to combine the two. Raecke jumped from about 8,000 feet, and opened his chute as is custom. Then he took off his helmet, and detached himself from his cute. Needless to say, he didn’t make it.

Police say they recovered a suicide note, but it doesn’t leave any clues as to why he killed himself. Here you go coppers, I got the only 6 reasons to take your own life, pick one: Woman troubles, Money troubles, Gay Troubles, I-got-HIV troubles, penis-not-working troubles, or upset-Entourage-is-over troubles. Thanks for coming out.

Read: Skydiver removes suit to commit suicide — AOL

"Hey guys. Skydiver, huh? Cause of death?"

 

Assault by Dildo

Florida — Police are dropping a case against Jantavia Taylor who was arrested for Assault. The victim in the case claims she was chased down the street and attacked by knife, but turns out Jantavia used a safer, yet more bizarre weapon of choice…a strap-on dildo. While this might sound unbelievable, the dildo was found on a neighbor’s lawn. My mistress usually uses one as a form of earned-punishment, not retribution…but I digress.

My “Wacky News” researcher, Jeremy Lechner found this story to be particularly amusing, but I’m assuming that’s because it was his strap-on. In either case, Taylor is now free, but Investigators will keep an eye on her to make sure that she is not longer strapped, and that she doesn’t use her pocket-vagina as brass knuckles or her donkey-sized vibrator as a torturous suppository.

Read: Sex Toy assault case dropped — TheSmokingGun

"Ok Mr. Lechner, let's Wrastle. Its the same as wrestling, but with your pants off."


 
Miley “Leak”

A racy photo of Miley Cyrus “leaked” on the intraweb yesterday, and since she’s finally of age, I can post it. The thing is, there’s no chance this pic was “leaked” by some jerk or hacker; this has intentional PR leak all over it. This is a staged photo taken with the intention of releasing it.

Look at her lingerie, it’s casual and boring with zero slut factor. Would she really be wearing those whore-colored shoes in her whore-colored satin sheeted bed? Would her hair be so perfectly done, or would she really be wearing that MONSTER ring to sexy-time and pretending to be disinterested by texting away on her phone?

There is nothing real about the picture. Except the extremely tacky room and the fake attention-yearning slut on the bed. She’s old enough now, I can call her that.

"Give me a sec. I'm reading today's Crap and gettin' all Horn-y"

 

Free-ball Fridays

Utah — Sometimes you have a great idea, but really go ahead and botch the execution. Such is the case with Derek Wright, owner of Lone Peak Controls and D&L Electric Control Company who had wonderful ideas on utilization of dress-code to boost office morale. According to a suit filed against him, here are some of Wright’s wittiest gems:

Miniskirt Mondays (this guy is brilliant…)

Tube Top Tuesdays (he’s onto something here…)

Wet T-Shirt Wednesdays (on an alliteration tear…)

No Bra Thursdays (lazy, but genius)

Bikini Top Fridays (everybody’s working for the weekend)

Wright obviously had a great workplace, but according to the suit brought against him by a former employee, he “watched pornography in his office, touched her inappropriately, and fired her after she reported the sexual harassment.” Way to screw it up for everyone, asshole.

We have the same philosophies at my office, but it’s mad awkward because my brother is the only one who complies.

Read: Woman sues over Mini-skirt Mondays — FashionETC

"Um, I really appreciate this, but I said...Dictate."

 

 

Friday Fun

When fantasies collide...

Jonah really wants to make room for another upside-down shot

Pampering the money makers

He probably graduated magna Cum laude

Polar Bears are so done with planking...now they're Horsemanning

Talk about starting life at a disadvantage

My bad

Stormtroopers are always upset after target practice

"Dude, I said Rocky Balboa. BALBOA!"

I've banged chicks who caught worse

So she can walk to work. That's nice

Have a Horn-y Weekend

 

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2 Comments

  1. Best Crap in a while- lots of hot shots. i’m officially Horn-y

    • Thanks Flammer! Gotta make sure everyone heads into the Crappy Weekend feeling a little Horn-y!