Crap you should read Thursday (9/22)

Thank God for The Pole


Palestine Time

Palestinian officials are in front of the UN asking for a unilateral vote to grant statehood to their displaced people. This might sound like a nice diplomatic means of accomplishing statehood, but they’re are two humorous angles to this. First is that Israel says such a ruling from the UN means crap, but apparently they forgot this is exactly how the Jewish people got Israel in the first place. Second, is that Israel and the Palestinian people have been “negotiating” the terms of a state for some time, but can’t come to an agreement because the Arabs have no interest in working with Israel…their only interest is seeing them wiped off the map. So asking the UN for a vote was just another way to avoid negotiating fairly with Israel and hoping they won’t need to comply with Israel’s legitimate concerns.

The whole mess puts the US in a weird spot. President Obama has loudly called for a Palestinian state, but as a voting member of the UN Security Council, the US has to step up to make sure the anti-semetic world doesn’t unilaterally screw Israel in the tuchas. Obama doesn’t want to piss off the Arab world (especially the Saudis) but he certainly can’t afford to alienate American Jews who support Israel, our only strongest ally in the Middle East. So yesterday he told Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas in no uncertain terms, that the US will veto any UN resolution establishing a Palestinian state. Obama explained that he’d rather both sides come to their own agreement rather than having the world arbitrarily decide for them.

Without the US vote, nothing can go through, so the Palestinians won’t get their state (yet), but might be bumped from “observer” to “non-voting state” status. This basically means they get to watch and still not vote. Woo-hoo, that will totally make things so much better for those starving in the West Bank and Gaza Strip. As for totally making things better, Obama is hoping that his tough stance will win him back the Jewish support he lost trying to assuage everyone else in the Middle East but them.

Watch the video below for a great primer on everything that’s going on.

Obama tells Abbas US will veto UN statehood plan — MSNBC


Google Wallet

Google is set to launch Google Wallet, an App which lets you pay for crap using your smartphone. Right now you just use a Google “debit” account, but in the future you’ll be able to add your other credit/debit/charge cards to your phone. Sounds mighty conventient, especially for all those people who struggle to pull out their wallet and remove the small card.

Sure credit card info is already an easy stolen, but people steal phones; people hack phones; people steal/hack laptops and computers that you sync your phones to. Why wrap your financial life up in a bow with a “STEAL ME” card?

Losing your phone would be extra miserable now: not just your phone numbers and naked pics, but also your credit cards as well?

Google announces Mobile Wallet — Huffington Post

Google Wallet Test Run — USA Today

Not quite "Bad Mother Fucker"


Steve-O is a Jackass

Steve-O killed it as a Roaster for the Charlie Sheen Roast; and by “it” I mean the laughter. He was so horrible that most of his set was edited out by Comedy Central. After he bombed he resorted to what he’s good at: hurting himself. Steve-O “took a punch” from Mike Tyson, which in reality was just a running start and diving into Iron Mike’s fist. He barely made contact and it was pretty lame.

But then at the end of the Roast, Steve-O wanted another go, so he again dove head-first into Tyson’s wife-beating fist. This time he broke his nose and busted his face.

The best part is William Shatner’s face when he looks at the busted-faced Jackass and said “Steve-O [gratuitous Shatner pause] What the Fuck?”


OnStar is Stalking You

OnStar is looking after you…forever. That’s a good thing when you’re in an accident or need to know where the nearest Rub-n-Tug is, but what you don’t realize is that OnStar tracks and records your every movement. And now they’ve changed their terms of service to allow them to share this information with cops, credit card companies, or even the highest bidder.

Even scarier is that OnStar never turns its GPS off; it still tracks and records even if you’re no longer a paying customer. OnStar pretends this is OK because they say they’ll sever the tracking if the non-customer specifically asks them to, but isn’t that what they’re doing when they cancel the service in the first place?

I tried the same maneuver with  a girl I was dating — I kept hanging out her bedroom window watching her because she specifically hadn’t asked me NOT to watch her through her window anymore. The cops did though!

OnStar keeps your info even if you cancel — Sun-Sentinel

One ring to rule them all, One ring to find them. One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them to an eternal tracking agreement


Badass Grandma

I hate the Michigan Wolverines, but apparently their Grandmas are pretty badass. These Silver Foxes were quick to shotgun those beers, and from the looks of things, this wasn’t their first white trash tailgating rodeo.

I wonder which one of those lucky dudes behind them got some ass.


Liquid Diet

From shotgunning beers to shotgunning breastmilk. Curtis, a new father has no desire to see the hundreds of bottles of his wife’s breastmilk go to waste, so he vowed to go on a “breast diet” for as long as he can. Unfortunately, Curtis’ idea of an all-breast diet completely differs from mine.

‘My wife has hundreds of bottles of frozen breast milk in the freezer that our baby will never have a chance to drink before they get too old. Since breast milk is healthy and we have plenty of it, why not just drink it all myself?…And yes, I know how weird this may sound, it is kind of weird to me as well but why not? I mean cow milk was made for baby cows, why not drink human breast milk that was made for baby humans?’

Yes Curtis, it is weird. Breast milk is for babies; adults lose the enzyme to properly break down milk. To maintain a 2000 calorie diet, he’s going to take down around 66 ounces daily. Do they make Tit-Lactaid? I can’t even begin to imagine the bizarre conflict he must have now staring at his wife’s boobs; it must be like Costanza trying to eat a sandwich during sex.

I’m just wondering if he’s tried the beverage straight from the tap, because that would be mad awkward in restaurants.

New Father surviving on liquid diet of breastmilk — Dailymail

Have a Horn-y Thursday

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