C-Nasty’s Running MNF Diary: Rams at Giants

"Kenny, your new deodorant smells terrific!"


 

by C-Nasty

 

Pregame

 

Week 2 in the NFL provided some high drama (Dallas-San Francisco, Tampa Bay-Minnesota, Buffalo-Oakland) and some amazing performances (Miles Austin, Jeremy Maclin, Antonio Cromartie) and we’re lucky enough to be on hand for a game that promises a grand total of none of that tonight.

The 0-1 New York Football Giants, who are missing approximately 2/3 of their roster on defense, are taking on the 0-1 St. Louis Rams, who are missing their starting running back (Steven Jackson) and the receiver that led the league in red zone targets last year (Danny Amendola). However, whenever I let my expectations slip to “I’m as excited about this as I am about M. Night Shyamalan’s new movie” levels I often tend to be pleasantly surprised (or filled with shame as I leave her apartment the next morning).

Nevertheless we do have a couple things to look forward to for Monday Night Football Week 2.  Sam Bradford had a terrific season a year ago for a rookie thrust into the starting role and if he can stay healthy he may actually be worth all that guaranteed money he locked up.  Also, fantasy football is in full swing and someone who’s name rhymes with B-Fasty needs Mario Manningham to put up 10 points so he can go 2-0 in his league.  And then there’s the always entertaining “will he or won’t he shit himself” gamble on Eli Manning.  Tons of compelling storylines here.

 

Game

 

1Q 12:55 – Mike Tirico points out that with Peyton Manning retired out for the foreseeable future, brother Eli holds the current longest start streak for a QB at 105.  Jaws thinks he’ll need all of that experience against this Rams pressure defense.  1st down pass to Manningham (!!!) and two Bradshaw runs for first downs later, it appears that Jaws meant St. Louis’ D puts pressure on themselves, not the other team.

1Q 12:33 – Apparently the Rams had them right where they wanted them.  Manningham was WIDE open down the right side and Ed Norton with Down’s Syndrome Eli Manning decided the best way to deliver the ball was to loft it long enough for Quintin Mikell to break on it for the pick.  Manning trots to the sideline looking like he forgot to take his underwear off before he went to the bathroom AGAIN.

1Q 10:15 – Aaaaand Sam Bradford already looks eleventy billion times better than Manning.  Backed up on their own 10 yard line Bradford hits Mike Sims-Walker on a play fake for a first down and then throws a beautiful deep ball into double coverage down the left sideline to Jackson.  The Giants secondary is under the impression that, for the first time ever, we’ve decided to play with college rules and don’t bother to touch Jackson when he falls after making the catch.  Jackson promptly stands up and runs down the Giants 1 yard line before he’s tackled.

1Q 9:14 – The Giants employ the “bend don’t break” defense and hold the Rams to a 21 yard FG.  They then employ the “stop don’t start” offense by gaining zero yards and going 3 and out on the next drive.

1Q 8:05 – With Amendola out rookie Greg Salas steps into the starting punt returner role and promptly muffs the punt, which the Giants recover at the Rams 38.  The G-Men get right back to work being inefficient on offense and get bailed out on a 4th and 4 when Manning chucks it up to Hakeem Nicks in double coverage and he draws a pass interference penalty.  Nicks did make a pretty amazing one handed grab out of bounds but I didn’t want to make it sound like Manning made a competent football play because he really did just take a 3 step drop and throw up a prayer.

1Q 5:47 – Nicks continues playing the role of C-Nasty fantasy team killer Eli Manning savior by running a fly-stop pattern near the goal line.  Manning throws the ball directly to the corner on Nicks but fortunately he had his back turned and Hakeem was able to adjust and snag the ball for the TD before it could be picked, which it should have.  Jaws thinks this was a great throw.  I similarly think he’s a great announcer.

1Q 3:47 – Josh McDaniels, fresh off of fellating Tebow steering the Broncos to the second worst record in the league, is back in his comfort zone as the Rams offensive coordinator.  He’s using the no huddle to perfection tonight and has the Giants defense absolutely gassed.  Deon Grant even pulls his best Random European Soccer Player impression and collapses on the turf before the Rams can run a play.  In fact, Grant wasn’t only one to attempt to fake an injury as linebacker Jacquian Williams dropped a half second before Deon did.  This has what it’s come to Giants fans: your team is led by the real life version of Dopey from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves and even more embarrassing than that, you’re apparently auditioning for FIFA 2016.

1Q 3:22 – The New York Red Bulls Giants somehow aren’t penalized for pulling their pride muscles and hold the Rams to another chip shot field goal.  7-6 New York.  The Giants come right back and show their ineptitude by going 3 and out again.

"That wasn't my guy, was it?"


 

2Q 12:48 – 3 and out by the Rams and 3 and out by the Giants and we finally have a play worth mentioning as Bradford hits Mike Sims-Walker for a sizeable gain that brings the Rams into Giants territory.

2Q 10:58 – Fiat Cadillac Williams muffs a backward pass from Bradford and then compounds the mistake by failing to realize it’s a live ball.  Michael Boley scoops it up and takes it 65 yards to the house.  Then, in an odd display of fan-unappreciation, Boley chucks the ball as hard as he can at one of hometown camera operators and drills him in the face from point blank range.  One can only assume this was done to restore a tough image for the Giants after all that Godforsaken flopping at the goal-line earlier.

2Q 10:02 – The fumble recovery TD seems to have simultaneously galvanized the Giants and shaken the Rams, who almost turn the ball over again on the ensuing kickoff but manage to fall on the fumble.  Nevertheless St. Louis goes 3 and out and the Giants have it again near midfield.

2Q 8:27 – The Giants go nowhere, are forced to punt and we’ve officially surpassed the number of 3 and outs by every game played so far this season in this half alone.  (Note: all stats approximate and likely invented by me for convenience and dramatic effect).

2Q 6:21 – Corky from Life Goes On Manning is 2/11 for 19 yards, an INT and a TD and his team is WINNING by 8.  Good Jesus can it be halftime yet?  The answer: no, no it cannot because the Giants offense stalls and they have to punt again.  The Rams decide to one up them by going three and out and punting AGAIN.

2Q 6:21-0:29 – Literally nothing happens.

2Q 0:29 – Manningham catches a deep ball that should have easily been a TD had he not bobbled it (PKLJHDF*$#HDO*H&D#@*#).  Domenik Hixon follows that up by making a circus catch for a 22 yard TD – the ball hit him in the chest and he played hot potato with the ball with one hand before securing it for the score.

No one remembers the easy catches...


 

3Q 11:40 – The Rams pull of a signature St. Louis drive to open to the quarter by hitting several deep balls, marching down the field and then stalling in the red zone and settling for a field goal.  We also learn that both Hixon and Manningham are injured and have not returned.  Fortunately it turns out that neither my computer nor my TV are flammable.

3Q 6:19 – The Giants (through power running and screens) and the Rams (through timely drive-saving penalties) collaborate to move the ball down the field before Brandon Jacobs punches it in from close range.  It appears that The Turd In The Punch Bowl may have some life after all.

3Q 3:25 – St. Louis is attempting to stage a comeback and make this game respectable but the offensive line is not cooperating.  Instead of playing football they’ve decided to engage in an informal game of Red Rover and Subway spokesman Justin Tuck sacks Bradford for a huge loss.

3Q 1:51 – Down 19 this late in the 3rd quarter the Rams decide to go for it on 4th and 6 and they pick it up with a clutch completion to Mike Sims-Walker.  St. Louis opts for a different red zone strategy and they decide to try to score a TD this time.  Bradford hits Denario Alexander on a fade route and Alexander makes a great catch for the score.

Denario's Mom didn't even bother to start him in Fantasy


 

4Q 12:22 – We just got an injury update on my boy Mario Manningham.  He’s officially out for the game with a concussion.  I lost my fantasy matchup by 1 point.  Just to recap, the play on which Manningham got hurt was the deep ball where he was wide open.  Instead of catching it cleanly and walking into the endzone and winning my fantasy matchup for me, Mario bobbled the ball, didn’t score the TD and promptly dove headfirst into the ground, giving him a concussion, knocking him out of the game and losing me my fantasy matchup for the week.  Thank you Mr. Manningham.  And before I get hate mail from Arian Foster let me be clear that I genuinely care about Mario as a person and have already ordered an Edible Arrangements fruit basket for him.

4Q 6:32 – By rule we have to play the 4th quarter.  That is the only thing to note at present.

4Q 3:21 – 3 and outs and punting and more punting and more sacks and more ineptitude and nothing is happening that is interesting whatsoever.  I’m really just hoping this hurries the fuck up so I can get to watching the roast of Charlie Sheen.

4Q 2:08 – The Giants decide to go for it on 4th down on the Rams 32 up 28-16 and fail to convert.  Now all St. Louis needs to do is draw up the little-known 13 point play.  They get right to work with a sack and a holding call that negates a first down.  The Rams suck about as well as the Giants get injured.

4Q 1:38 – Rams are faced with a 4th and 28 from their own 15 and, down 12 with less than 2 minutes to go, they decide to punt the ball with no timeouts left.  Does Steve Spagnolo think the NFL has adopted voters that take margin of victory into account?  As opposed to giving your team a chance to score and going for it, the Rams opt for punting to a team who can kneel on it and run out the clock on the game.  A fitting end to a horrible game.

Hopefully a good sack will knock the Lisp right out of Eli


 

Post-game

 

Wow.  That was awful.  As in I’d almost rather be watching the WNBA (yes, it still exists for another 2-3 years) playoffs.  Almost.  I can’t remember watching a game with so many 3 and outs without the appearance of defensive dominance.  The whole game it just seemed like the offense of both teams sucked slightly worse than the defense they were up against.

Next week we’ve got a much better game on tap; at least on paper. The Redskins/Cowboys is quite the racist historic rivalry and it pits 2-0 Washington against 1-1 Dallas coming off a huge comeback win.

But remember this game only looks good until you realize that Miles Austin is likely out with a pulled hamstring, Felix Jones is likely out with a separated shoulder and Tony Romo has a cracked rib and punctured lung so it’s doubtful he’ll go either.  That leaves us with Jon Kitna vs. Rex Grossman.

Shit.

Next week will be just Gross, man