The Sherms Phins Recap: Week 2

Ben Tate and the Texans had no problem holding off the Phins

 

by Ryan “The Sherms” Sherman 

 

After turning down a free ticket on Tuesday (and again on Saturday), Sunday morning I convinced my loving wife to take our 41/2 month year old son to a bridal shower, thus freeing me up for a Sunday at Sun Life Stadium.  Of course, the free tickets were no longer available so DC, The King and I forked over half face-value for side-endzone seats.  The Dolphins better have made it worth it!

They didn’t.

The Dolphins were beat in every way possible. Air, Ground, Defense, Special Teams.

QB: Henne was fine…until he reached the Red Zone. They should just call it the Danger Zone for this guy. The Dolphins only converted 3 of 6 Danger Zone attempts for TDs in Game 1, and they were 1 of 3 (with two missed Field Goals) on Sunday. That’s unacceptable.

Chad always uses the "Missing Contact" bit to cover up the tears

RB: Daniel Thomas looked great (more on him below) but coughed up an untimely fumble late in the game. Reggie was a non-factor.

WR: Brandon Marshall is finally a major part of the offense, but he dropped too many balls, including a TD on a long bomb that might have been the nicest throw of Henne’s career.  Hartline had a great catch on the sideline, but Devone Bess is still blatantly ignored.

TE: Someone remind Sparano that he has a couple.

Defense: Pass defense was destroyed again, and the Rush defense was atrocious. Arian Foster was limited, but Ben Tate looked like Adrian Peterson.

Coaching: All comes down to one play in the 4th quarter. The Dolphins had the ball on their side of the field, but with time winding down, the possession was crucial. 4th and 1, the Phins line up in a standard formation. Henne calls an audible, the line shifts, WRs spread wide, and it looks like the Phins have a brilliant play ready; possibly running Chad up the middle, or perhaps a short screen to expose the spread field. Instead, the call was intended to get the Texans to jump offside. They didn’t, Coach calls TO, and then punts the game ball away.

The move was completely indicative of the entire organization…no balls, no brains, and just biding time…

Future everyday reader of Monster.com

Don’t worry, my recap of my Sunday experience doesn’t end there….

 

Phins to the Left (Exit)

Sun Life Stadium offers the worst game day experience in the NFL.  Terrible advertisements for in-stadium Club Liv blare on the scoreboard.  “Celebrities” like owners Gloria Estefan and Mark Anthony…of all people…try to hype up the crowd with “Fins Up” spots.  Worst of all, the one time a game the Phins score a touchdown they don’t play the traditional Dolphins fight song that everybody loves (“Miami has the Dolphins, the grea…”…uh…you know the rest) but rather play “Fins” by Jimmy Buffet:

We got Phins to the left, Phins to the right, we’re the only game in town.

First, those lyrics are just plain lame. We got Phins to the left, Phins to the right….really?!?!?!?  What does that even mean?  How do the lyrics in any way relate to, touch upon or concern the game of football?  That’s right, they don’t.  Rather, they are just pure and adulterated mozzarella cheese.

Second, the only game in town? Last I checked, we had the Heat and the Marlins…and that hockey team that made the Stanley Cup Finals in 1996.  “So what, that was 15 years ago, have they even made the playoffs since then?” you may ask…but the Dolphins haven’t made the Super Bowl since the 1984 season so they’re just as bad…actually, worse.

Was Pitbull too busy?

Obviously Marlins v. Dolphins is really no argument at all, despite the ebbs and flows of the Marlins’ tenure in South Florida.  Over any 15-year span I’ll take the Fish’s two World Series Championships and multiple last-place finishes over the Phins’ mediocrity-at-best and not sniffing an AFC Championship.  There is no doubt that when it comes to winning championships post-1973, the Marlins are the Kings of the Miami sports sea.

Then, of course, there is the Heat. Remember them? The team with Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, Chris Bosh.  The team run by All-World Front Office Team captain, Pat Riley.  The team that won a Championship in 2006.  The team that will likely end up winning at least 1 or 2 titles in the next 5 years.   The team, and the front office, that the Dolphins don’t hold a candle to.

Finally, there is UM football.  The Hurricanes won 5 National Championships since the Dolphins last won a Super Bowl.  The Canes could get “the death penalty” for ShapiroGate this year, lose scholarships and bowl appearances, and still end up winning another National Championship before the Dolphins make the Super Bowl again.   Canes head coach Al Golden [Child] out-coaches Tony Sparano in his sleep.  Canes’ OC Jedd Fisch — who will be the head coach of a major university and/or an NFL offensive coordinator within 5 years — could outcoach Sparano in his sleep’s sleep.

In conclusion, besides being obnoxious…and weak…this jingle is entirely inaccurate. Maybe they should rewrite it all together: “We got Phins to the left, Phins to the right, we’re the worst or second worst game in town!”

 

Feelin’ Hot, Hot, Hot

The League gave us a 4:15pm kick-off, but it was still hot.  Real hot.  Just ask fellow Horn contributor The King, who dressed in a nice shirt and skinny jeans, armed with high hopes of hitting Club Liv at some point in the evening.

Of course, despite it looking like a pre-season game with all the empty seats (the alleged attendance was 51,032 out of a possible 75,192… (there is very little to no chance there were  actually more than 40,000 people there) Dolphins management still put a $75 price tag to get in to the “club”.  SEVENTY FIVE DOLLARS…for the privilege of ordering $18 drinks and watching the Dolphins miss two (2) field goals from inside the 30, and forgetting to cover Andre Johnson with the game on the line.

Oh well, I guess the prospect of getting your grind on with some hot Miami chicas and being surrounded by people with no idea about football [and, thus, no idea of the painful Dolphins self-destruction happening before their eyes] could be appealing to some.

From here, you can't see the frowns

By the way, Dolphins owner Stephen Ross had to buy up more than 10,000 unsold tickets to avoid an embarrassing Blackout. The Phins offered the tickets for free to season ticket holders, yet the stadium was still empty. Its not even the best FREE game in town.

 

Dan The Man Goat

If your name was “Dan,” and you played for the Dolphins yesterday you were definitely NOT the man.

Dan Carpenter, the usually reliable ProBowl caliber kicker, had one chip-shot field goal blocked at the line and donked another chip-shot wide left.

The Miami Dolphins don’t find the endzone often, so every field goal is must-make; especially short ones. Two missed short field goals in a close game is not only unacceptable but unbelievable, especially from Carpenter.  I hope that proves to be an aberration, otherwise the Dolphins are REALLY screwed.

"Don't worry, Dan. It could be worse. You could be the Punter."

Rookie RB Dan(iel) Thomas was almost the man, and rushed for 107 yards on 18 carries (5.94 yard-per-attempt average).  However, down only 6 points with the momentum at our back in the 3rd quarter, Thomas scurried for a nice long run, only to cough up the football on the Texans’ 40.

It was all downhill for the Dolphins from there, which is a shame, because Thomas had an otherwise stellar Welcome to the NFL game.

Fumble? Now you're officially a Dolphin

 

The Silver Lining

We may have an every-down feature RB going forward.  Thomas looked strong and shifty, and could be a serious weapon in the Dolphins offense.  If he lives up to (my) expectations, Henne will benefit greatly with a running-game to set up his now wide-open passing game.

Where will Reggie Bush fit in?  His 7 touches yesterday (6 rushes for 18 yards, one reception for 3 yards) leave a lot to be desired, but he really needs to get more opportunities (especially with short passes) to break one.

Note to Sporano: More Bush, please.

Much like 70's porn, Miami is craving more Bush

 

Grilled Dolphin

As for the Defense, D-backs have been the Dolphins’ Achillies’ heel.  I can’t see that changing any time soon.

Know how you can tell its early in the game? Vontae is still in....

Vontae Davis and Sean Smith are, when healthy, an average starting duo.  When one is hurt (read: Vontae Davis going down for the second straight week, first time with CRAMPS, this time with a hamstring injury), and/or we need to otherwise bring in a third CB in a nickel formation, we’re done. Fried.  Grilled. Blackened. (However you like your Dolphin, it’s up to you.)

Nolan Carroll is just plain bad. If he’s covering you, be sure to DVR the game, because you just got your Pro-Bowl highlight reel. Or, in Andre Johnson’s case, when Carroll covers you, it looks like you’re playing against Junior Varsity.

Rumor has it Carroll is only on the team because his mother, Jennifer Carroll, is the Lt. Governor of the State of Florida and team owner Stephen Ross wants the taxpayers to pay for a new stadium.  Such a rumor sounds ridiculous, and is most likely untrue, but the fact that someone would even bother to make it up shows that the Carroll probably shouldn’t be on the team…let alone the field.

 

Moving Forward

Next week, the Phins take on the Browns in Cleveland.  A victory will give us something to look forward to (at least for another week or two). A loss means the season is as dead as a Sparano’s coaching career.

What do we need to win?

Brandon Marshall has to start catching difficult-but-catchable TD passes…as top paid WRs’ are supposed to.

Henne needs to stop sucking in the Danger Zone.

Dolphins need to convert on 3rd down. 6 of 26 for the season (23.1%) is enough to get me to convert to another team.

The Browns need to forfeit.

 

Stay tuned.

 

"...I'm so sad...I'm so angry...I'm so sad...I'm so angry..."

2 Comments

  1. “6 of 26 for the season (23.1%) is enough to get me to convert to another team.”

    Can you please convert to another team it would only HELP the fan base without a virus such as yourself…THANKS try tampa bay i heard there promising……..

  2. @William Frazer

    You are a moron, a delusional fool or both if you think this team is any better than was portrayed in this post.

    At least there are still a few fans that aren’t afraid to tell it like it is and don’t have blinders on.

    We have the worst head coach and the dumbest QB in the league to go along with one of the most inept front offices in the NFL.

    We can’t right this ship until we get rid of all that dead wood – very unfortunate but very true.