Crap you should read Thursday (9/15)

Thank God for Beer

 

Attack Watch Attacks

The White House rightfully feels that President Obama is victim to an incessant, 24 hour smear campaign of misinformation. His opponent’s “over-my-dead-body” politics just strike the White House as fundamentally unfair, and harmful to our nation. So what does Big Barry do? He creates a website where people can “report” the misinformation and clear it up with “facts”.

Unfortunately, the site, AttackWatch.com, is a huge FAIL. Its a neighborhood crime watch for lying. Somehow, the White House forgot that this job is already done by the media. Shoot, Politifact.com does this very same thing and it’s site doesn’t scare the crap out of you. AttackWatch is so damn menacing you feel like once you type something in, the PreCogs start going nuts and a red ball is going to fall with a Tea Party reporter’s name on it.

Why does the White House want citizens ratting out other citizens? If you want the truth to come out, then just preach it loudly from the rooftops. You don’t start a tattle-tale service on a website that Joseph Stalin would masturbate to. It comes off as completely paranoid or immature. Guess that’s what happens when you elect a relatively inexperienced politician as President.

AttackWatch.com

"So we're still friends, right?"

 

New Rocket

NASA knows it needs to tease the public with cool crap if it wants the budget to stay in the dreaming-big business, so they finally unveiled the Space Life System (SLS) for future space exploration.

The Space Life System is a 34-story tall, heavy-lift rocket, and according to NASA Administrator Charles Bolden, “will be America’s most powerful since the Saturn V rockets that carried Apollo astronauts to the moon.” The missions will be long, so the SLS can carry a payload up to 130 metric tons. That’s almost 5 times as much as the retired Space Shuttle’s 27 metric tons.

The SLS also comes with the Orion Capsule that will carry up to 6 Astronauts deep into space for a long enough time that they’ll all certainly hate each other before they get anywhere.

The price tag is a mere $18 Billion dollars over the next 5 years, but is this tepid economy, is that a valid use of funds? Yes. Besides the dream-thing, the rockets will be launched from Kennedy Space Center which is great for the economy of the Space Coast that died upon the retirement of the Space Shuttle. Jobs will literally be created to get this thing off the ground.

Assuming the arbitrarily tight-wad Tea Partyers and Republicans don’t obstruct the plan, save the date: Unmanned Test Flight by 2017. Manned Flights by 2021. Landing on an asteroid by 2025. Orbiting, then landing on Mars by 2030s. Kicking Gary Busey off Mars by 2041.

NASA announces SLS rocket for deep space exploration — NASA.gov

 

Russian Dos Equis

Ever wonder how a man can take over a whole country and his people would be cool with it? Look no farther than Russia where many wonder how Vladimir Putin can continue to reign over his people. Answer: according to The Chive its because Putin is the Most Interesting Man in the World.

Check out the link to see a ton of pictures of the Russian Prime Minister doing so much cool shit that I almost want to go back, watch Rocky IV and root for Drago.

Putin is the most interesting man in the world — The Chive

"Nyet. Is only a cavity. I'll just pull the tooth out...."

"He made my daughter laugh, then we embraced...We never knew what friends we hadUntil we came to Leningrad"

 

Damn you X-Ray

England — Two women went to a bar, and were chatted up by a couple of guys. Turns out the guys were scheming, and one distracted the chicks while the other dude stole a purse. It was a hell of a snatch because in the purse (how the hell did she fit it all in there, was she Link from Zelda?) she had “2,000 euros and 400 pounds sterling, a mobile phone, a pendant with a diamond worth 12,000 euros ($16,500) and other valuables.”

The thieves would’ve got away if it wasn’t for that dog and those pesky kids but were stopped at a ROUTINE checkpoint that had nothing to do with their little heist. Unfortunately, the nosy checkpoint cop ran their IDs and found criminal priors. The car was searched and cops found a purse that seemed out of place among four dudes, as well as the missing loot. But they couldn’t find the stolen diamond. Perhaps that had something to do with the guy who quickly shot his hand to his mouth before the cops realized what was up.

They took the perps to a nearby medical center, and the X-ray machine ratted one of Ocean’s 4 with the big-ass diamond on display in the man’s stomach. Apparently the “that’s not hers, two weeks ago I swallowed some coal” argument didn’t hold up. Hey, sometimes you just got to give an “A” for effort.

Thief swallowed diamond and caught by x-ray — Yahoo.com

"My dad tought me this trick. Wait, that sounds bad..."

 

“It was a one-in-a-million shot, Doc…”

China — So a dude walks into a spa and climbs naked into a tub of eels…stop me if you heard this one. The spa-eels allegedly eat off your dead skin, or something weird like that, but in Zhang Nan’s case, the eels wanted more than a one night stand. Zhang felt one eel, we’ll call him her Eelanore, trying to slither into the tip of his penis. He felt it immediately, but Zhang couldn’t get a grip on the slippery, slimy eel. Eelanore took advantage and slithered all the way up inside his penis. I’ll give you a moment to digest that.

Eelanore then slithered farther up the Urethra, and needless to say Zhang felt a little burning. By a “little” I mean a serious WTF! as Eelanore pushed ahead and climbed her way unobstructed to Zhang’s bladder. Need another second?

Zhang underwent a 3 hour procedure to remove the dead eel from his bladder. Nan probably had a helluva time explaining the eel to his wife…but a much harder time explaining the gummy worm, the shoe-lace, the golf-tee, the Twizzler, and the piece of sidewalk chalk.

Eel slides up man’s penis at spa — Metro.co.uk

This thing climbed up his dong? Way to go Nan, breaking those Asian stereotypes...

 

Taxidermy is Awesome

One thing you lose when watching Satellite TV are awesome local commercials. I’m always amazed that certain people think their businesses are best served by their illiteracy and lack of public speaking. Their business’ loss is our humorous gain.

Check out the Ojai Valley Taxidermy commercial below…

 

Porn Bunker

Los Angeles — Pink Visual, a porn production company, is constructing an enormous bunker to survive the destruction of 2012. Apparently the fear of John Cusack is enough to…oh wait, its something to do with the Mayan calendar and the end of the world.  The bunker will be stocked with be stocked with party goods, have an enormous performance stage and working production studio, and would protect/entertain 1200-1500 important persons from the Apocalypse.

Think the rave in Matrix 2 without the horrible Morpheus speech. And if the world doesn’t end on December 21, 2012?

“If nothing else, it’ll be a fantastic one-night party, after which we’ll emerge from underground, red-faced, to go home, and the company will be left behind with the coolest bunker known to man….and we can use it as a location to shoot content in, rent it out to other studios – maybe even major Hollywood studios – to use, or maybe even open a big underground strip club.”

Still waiting for my Evite.

Have a Horn-y Apocalypse Thursday.

Porn studio builds underground bunker to survive apocalypse — LA Weekly

"What the hell is going on in there? Hurley put your damn shirt on!"

 

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3 Comments

  1. Nice Putin pictures. Can you please post the pictures of President Obama riding his sissy bar bike in Martha’s Vinyard with the helmet that Michelle made him wear.
    “Eat your vegetables honey!”
    “Let me be perfectly clear….yes dear.”

  2. PS. Attackwatch is now following me on Twitter.

    • I gave them your info Stratton.