Crap you should read Tuesday (9/13)


Everybody wants a piece of The Horn


GOP v Perry:

Tampa — Republicans got together for yet another Debate in Tampa, this time a Tea Party sponsored extravaganza on CNN. Once again, the story was that the entire pack took on front-runner Gov. Rick Perry. Right from the get-go, the candidates attacked Perry for his doomsday view of Social Security (he loudly calls it a Ponzi Scheme) and one of his most controversial policies from Texas, the mandatory vaccinations for cervical cancer in young girls. Perry didn’t have the same swagger he had last week in California, and seemed to try to soften his stance as the hard-nosed Texan to appeal to the rest of America that doesn’t sleep with a gun under its pillow.

Perry lost ground and Mitt Romney found it. Mitt was on the offensive all night, and looked good doing it. His best line was when Perry tried to deflect the issue of transferring Social Security to the states by saying “That’s a conversation I think we should have” and Romney immediately countered with “We are having it now. We’re running for President.” It was great TV and Perry was stuck.

Romney was also thrilled that the other spotlight losing candidates like Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum tried to gain ground by ripping front-runner Perry as well. Romney just sat back and let Bachmann play to the Tea Party-heavy audience, and do his dirty work.

Newt Gingrich got in a couple of good zingers to the friendly crowd, but he has no chance to win. He’s there just to legitimize the group with a seasoned politician. Obviously the Republicans need some schooling on the meaning of “legitimacy”.

Losers: Perry looked shaken as he was beat from all corners. Bachmann just didn’t get enough time to talk. Huntsman struggled for talk time, and when he did he tried to stand out by entertaining, not debating. Paul swam around in his nuttiness.

Winner: It was the Romney show. For the record, the Romney show is so boring, it wouldn’t be picked up on CBS.

Mel’s Maccabees:

I dont want to say I’m brilliant, but after Mad Mel was arrested for running his mouth in Malibu, I named my Fantasy Football team “Mel’s Maccabees.” Apparently Mel has been following my Fantasy career, because he announced his plans to make a movie about famed Jew bad-ass, Judah Maccabee. Of course the world thinks this is just a trick to convince Jews he’s not an anti-semite, but Gibson said a Maccabee movie has always been on his list of fantasy projects. According to Jeffrey Goldberg in The Atlantic:

“I just read it when I was teenager, and it’s amazing. It’s almost like” — here, he grabbed my digital recorder, held it to his mouth, and spoke in a portentous movie-announcer voice — “They profaned his Temple. They killed his father. They… all kinds of stuff. In the face of great odds for something he believed in” — here he switched out of movie-announcer voice — “Oh, my God, the odds they faced. The armies they faced had elephants! How cinematic is this! Even Judah’s dad — what’s his name? Mattathias? — you kind of get this guy who more or less is trying to avoid the whole thing, but he just gets to a place where had enough, and he just snapped!”

Read the The Atlantic article to see Gibson at his best. The dude is just funny, its a shame his worst moments in life are all caught on tape. Best part of the interview is when Goldberg and Gibson discuss the gross side of the Maccabee tale, Judah’s forced circumcision of converted Jews:

MG: Hey, I was circumcised. That was more like just a medical procedure. It wasn’t for religious purposes. Cleanliness or something.

JG: Oh, yeah?

MG: I don’t know what it was for. And one of the doctors made a wallet out of it.

JG: You rub it and it turns into a suitcase, right?

MG: Yes. Hey, did you know they use foreskins for replacing eyelids?

JG: No they don’t.

MG: Yeah, they do.

JG: Come on, really?

MG: You tend to look a bit cock-eyed, though.

JG: I can’t believe I just walked into that one.

MG: Me either.

Somewhere Murtaugh is sitting on a toilet, laughing.

Mel Gibson on Judah Maccabee, Christopher Hitchens and Circumcision — The Atlantic

"So you're saying people might be offended by me? No chance"


Seats  for Fatty:

Martin Kessman is a fat ass. He’s so fat that he can’t comfortably fit at the table of his favorite fast-food restaurant and make himself fatter. As such, he sent a number of complaints to  White Castle to change around their entire store so he can sit there. White Castle promised they’d make changes, and even sent him specs of the new chairs/tables, but in the end they failed to do anything except send him food coupons (which added to the problem).

Of course the table is a usually a pretty good measuring stick to tell you when its time to mix in a little Subway, but Kessman was pissed at the broken promises and brought a suit that claims the table/chair combo is a violation under the Americans with Disabilities Act. 

Who the hell does this guy think he is? Fat isn’t a disability, your weak will-power is. “I just want to sit down like a normal person,” Kessman says. Well then stop eating White Castle you fat shit. Or just sit outside where you can spread out and you won’t don’t disgust the one skinny person that eats there.

Fat Guy sues White Castle for too-small Seats —

"I ate Harold and Kumar."


Beats for Manny:

Slugger Manny Ramirez was arrested Monday for slugging his wife. Manny was charged with Domestic Battery after his wife, Julianna, told Cops that the couple was fighting and Manny punched her on the side of her face. She then claims she fell and hit her head on the headboard.

Manny denies punching her, and instead claims he grabbed her by the shoulders, shook her like a Polaroid picture, and that’s how she hit the headboard.

Manny’s attorneys plan on fighting the charges, but no word yet on how the court will fare on the Defense on “That’s just Manny being Manny.”

Manny Ramirez arrested for Domestic Battery —

Manny isn't excited to be cell mates with another Big Poppi.


Glowing Pussy Cures AIDS?

Green Glowing cats might be the key to finding a cure for AIDS.

US scientists injected a group of subject cats with a gene from Monkeys that somehow blocks the Feline Immunodeficiency Virus (FIV). They also injected the modified monkey-cells with jellyfish genes that make the modified FIV blocking genes glow an eerie green color, and easier for scientists to spot during research.

The tests were a success, and when the suject cats mated, they produced a little of kittens with the FIV blocking-genes. Yes, the kittens glowed too.

Before you get too excited about owning your very own easy-to-spot-in-the-closet cat, this isn’t a commercial enterprise. Scientists hope they can re-produce the gene for humans to combat HIV as well.

And you thought pussy was the cause of AIDS, not the cure.

Glowing Cats are new tool in AIDS Research — Reuters

He-Man had no idea that Battle-Cat was FIV-resistant.Â


Orangutan Butts:

Everybody has to kick their bad habits, and that includes Shirley, a 25 year old Orangutan with a penchant for smoking cigs. Shirley and her suite-mate Abu often battle over cigarette butts tossed into their habitat by piece of shit tourists.

Disgusted with the state-run Jahor Zoo that allowed this to happen for years, Malaysian authorities have stepped in to re-locate Shirley to a wild-life rehab center in Bornea.

Bornean zookeepers better get ready for one cranky bitch-monkey, who will put on at least 20 pounds and chew Nicorette by the Costco boat-load.

Orangutan addicted smoking cigarettes thrown by tourists moved from zoo — Dailymail

"I'm serious, and stop calling me Shirley. Oh that's my name? Sorry I'm HIGH as shit right now."


The Big OH!

An interesting question was posed by Salon…why does the female orgasm exist? Of course, many men answer with “Who Cares?” but some scientists actually do. It seems they are grouped together on two opposing sides. The first says that the Female Orgasm is a mental thing that triggers a need to procreate, and also helps women get attached to their mate.

Others take a more male-centric view that’s likely to piss off the Feminists. They say that the female orgasm belongs in a class with Male Nipples: useless and just leftover from the embryonic stage before determination of sexes. They say that its the same mechanics as the male orgasm, but when an embryo becomes female, it no longer needs orgasms for reproduction, but somehow still keeps the ability to do so.

Or at least the ability to fake it…so I’ve heard.

Use this information wisely, young Padawan, and have a Horn-y Tuesday.

Why does the female orgasm exist?  — Salon



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