Crap you should read Wednesday (8/31)



Hump day Awesomeness


Everybody Hates the Government:

The most recent Gallup Poll shows that President Obama’s approval rating slipped further to 38%. That’s Barry’s lowest approval rating yet, and disapproval is at 55%. But Republican’s can’t go celebrating their schadenfreude yet, because an AP poll from last week shows an 87% disapproval rating of Congress. Almost 9 out of 10 people hate what Congress is doing. Considering the House Republicans are the “Face” of Congress right now, that’s not a glowing referendum to do as they please.

What these polls really show it that we, and the world, have completely lost faith in the US government. Hopefully voters will get the message and vote in a new breed of politician. Probably not, because by the time you read this, Fox News will have already convinced their sheep that 87% disapproval actually means 87% “approve of Dis” thing Republicans are doing.

Congress Approval rating at 12% — Huffington Post

Sorry Mr. Johnson, but the black-guy-running-for-office thing isn't as cool as it used to be.


God Messages Politicians:

Sarasota — Our favorite brilliant scientist Congresswoman Michele Bachmann got her self in a bit of hot holy water when she said that last week’s earthquakes and Hurricane Irene were messages from God to American politicians.

“I don’t know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We’ve had an earthquake; we’ve had a hurricane. He said, ‘Are you going to start listening to me here?'”

Woo hoo! She finally wants to save the environment! Wait, no? Oh, sorry, she meant that her God was sending these deadly events to curb Government spending and get Americans off their “morbid obesity diet”. She could have at least tried to sell me that they were warnings against positive treatment for The Gays or The Poor, we already know God has it in for them.

She later said she was joking (she does say these things with a smile), but in reality her campaign peeps (who were brought in to make her a national figure instead of a punchline) freaked out and tried to have her backtrack. Unfortunately, they forgot that this lady made her career out of sharing “God’s messages” about politics, and it was never for laughs before.  Its purpose is to manipulate and make you think her mission is a holy one.

My question is, if she’s joking that God wouldn’t say something like this, does this mean she’s joking every single time she shares that God speaks to her and influences her decisions?

Abandoning ISS?

Last week Russia lost a Soyuz rocket named Progress that crashed on its way to bring supplies to the International Space Station. Since the US retired the Space Shuttle program the only way to get to and from the ISS is by Russian Soyuz. Now with that program grounded after the crash, the ISS might be in serious jeopardy.

A new crew was supposed to arrive by September 21, but that trip’s been postponed, and the crew already stationed there (there are two Soyuz already at the ISS waiting to return crew-members to Earth), can only stay until December. That means if a new crew can’t be brought to the ISS by December, the Station will remain unmanned. If a problem arises on board, and no one is there to fix it, the Station could very well fall out of its planned orbit and re-enter the Earth’s atmosphere where it would burn up and send fiery debris across the planet.

Not for nothin’, but maybe next time don’t put all your eggs in a Russian basket.

Russian Crash leaves ISS in jeopardy — USA Today

"All I did was stir the tanks...and download Sasha Grey's greatest hits. Should I not have done that?"


Lilo has a Crush:

Many women out there want to get their ass beat be wooed by Chris Brown, and now count Lindsay Lohan as one of them. Brown stole the show at the VMAs with his flying dance moves, and afterwards LA’s favorite female lawbreaker tweeted him: “Wanna meet?”

Yup, the lady who doesn’t want media attention asked out a fellow celebrity via the very public Twitter…Jim Carrey, anyone? Also, did her people flip their shit when they saw that the girl whose image they’re trying to repair asked out the biggest scumbag, woman-beater, temper-tantrum throwing asshole in the country?

This couple would be cute together, and Chris must realize how hard it would be to see bruises among all those freckles. Can prisoners have conjugal visits with one another?

Lindsay Lohan wants to meet Chris Brown — MSNBC from AP

"I wonder if that dreamboat dances in court too..." "You bet your ass I do!!!"


Smokin’ a Tupac:

Some say Tupac is alive and well, chillin with Elvis and Jimmy Hoffa, but the Young Outlawz know he’s dead…because they smoked Tupac in a blunt. In a video posted on VLAD-TV, the group members discuss what they did in 1996 right after Tupac passed away…

“We hit the beach, do a lot of shit he liked on the beach. Some weed, some chicken wings, he loved orange soda and all that kind of shit. Pac loved that kind of shit, so we were giving him our own farewell that night….”

“We twisted up some of that great granddaddy California Kush, and mixed that big homie with it, so you know, he flowing through our system.”

When asked why, they said it was Tupac’s idea because “if you listen to Black Jesus, “Last wishes, Niggas smoke my ashes.”  Thankfully, Pac didn’t say anything about eating his ashes with chicken and waffles and shitting on the porch.

Tupac’s Ashes smoked by Young Outlaws — Huffington Post


Piece of Shit Kids lose Suit:

Chicago — A court dismissed a ridiculous case brought by two grown ups who sued their mom for destroying their childhoods. They didn’t accuse her of molesting them or harming them in any way, but accused her of not buying toys, sending birthday cards without money inside, making them wear seat-belts and setting curfews.

Keep in mind that these kids grew up in a $1.5 million home and were pampered most of their lives. They decided to sue their mom for $50k because her mothering ruined their lives.

Thankfully this case got tossed, otherwise kids would sue their parents left and right for making them go to bed early or eating veggies. What kind of world would it be if a parent couldn’t parent? Maybe even one day it would be illegal to beat your kid with a broom, put out cigarettes on their arms to wake them up, and send them to China to make Nikes…but today is not that day.

Can she sue them for being piece of shit kids?

Grown up Kids lose ridiculous suit against Mom– Salt Lake Tribune

"You can't sue me...I AM the Law!!!!"


She must have had it coming:

David Bustos’ girlfriend totally knew she put her “back massager” away, so imagine her surprise when she awoke to a loud buzzing. The buzzing was Bustos shaving her head.

David was arrested for assault because not only was the chick pissed, but the clippers nicked her head and drew blood. Alls I’m saying is that from the looks of Dave’s mug shot, it was worth every second.

Guy arrested for shaving his girlfriend’s head — Naples Daily News

That face says "Job Well Done"


Internal Investigation:

Santa Fe — A New Mexico State cop is under internal investigation for what some see as a minor indiscretion.

Cameras were set up around town to catch Graffiti artists, but instead one caught a Cop banging a chick on the hood of his cop car, in full uniform.

I’m guessing he was playing hide-the-nightstick, performing a personal DNA test, or just conducting his own internal investigation. Either way, Bad-Assery confirmed.

Have a Horn-y Humpday…


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