FLOP-n-Tales: When is it ok to let (one) go?

They like it when we cook, but not when we Dutch Oven

by The F.L.O.P.

 

You show me someone who has never struggled with this issue and I’ll show you someone who’s full of crap.

When you first meet a potential love interest, there are basic rules (guidelines, really) to typically follow – consciously or not.  At first, you might strive to show only your best side – leaving the revelation of character flaws for another day.  This is pretty common, in my utterly unprofessional opinion. 

 Examples of things you might do early on in an effort to put your best self forward:

  • Groom, groom, groom – tweeze, brush, cleanse, shave, wax, nail care (for girls, and you “metro” guys out there too)
  • Finally purchase an iron and ironing board – and possibly even use it
  • Keep a little mirror on hand (not to snort off) – to ensure you don’t have any spinach stuck in your teeth or crumbs hiding in your beard (for boys, and probably a few girls out there too)

 Over the course of a few weeks and months, you might slowly let your “real” self be known.  Now, this is where the fun begins: 

  • You call your mother twice per day and still call her, “Mommy”
  • You only eat foods that begin with the letter ‘Q’
  • You believe ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ is, Oh-my-god, the best primetime show EVER
  • You bark in your sleep

Everyone has faults.  Everyone has odd habits.  Yet still, most of us choose to hide these personality blemishes until the object of our affection has already started to fall for us – a time when these strange behaviors might seem more “cute and quirky” than “weird”.

"If I return her, can I get my money back?"

For the record, I am neither recommending nor opposing this strategy.  I can only tell you what has worked for me, and on me.

Six years ago, I started to get to know a guy and things heated up quickly.  Fairly early on, he decided he didn’t want to wait out that awkward “getting to know the real you” phase – so he shared, right up front, the list of “weird things you should probably be warned about.”  

The list was absolutely ridiculous.  It included things like, “I have long, monkey arms” or “One foot is half-size bigger than the other” or “I produce earwax by the metric ton.”  Yes, he said used the phrase “metric ton.”

The whole time I was reading this list, I thought to myself, “No way!  No way is this the guy.  No way THIS guy is going to be MY guy.”  

However, despite the waxy imagery and “he’s weird” thoughts racing through my head, I realized I was staring directly at an unmatchable level of humor, and creativity, and courage, and wit. Luckily I came to my senses; I married him a few years later.

(For those wondering – No, he doesn’t literally produce earwax by the metric ton.  It’s not even an issue.)

Travel with me back to my original motivation for this FLOP-n-TALE – when is it okay to let one loose in front of the new love interest?

When is it ok to admit I need to change my shorts?

This might be hard to believe, but it was actually me. Yes, me. I was the first to let one go.  It was an accident, of course, but mortifying nonetheless.

It was the FIRST night that my (future) husband and I spent together.  In the early hours of the morning, I was awoken from a dreamy state by a noise I didn’t immediately recognize.  It took a few seconds to realize I was awake, and a few more seconds to realize where I was. After a few more seconds, I realized what that noise was: my own toot pulled me from my slumber.

Mortification set in.

But pretty quickly, the rational side of my brain kicked in.  There was no need to be embarrassed YET.  What if I just imagined it?  What if he didn’t hear it or realize what it was? If this was the case, I could just let it go (no pun intended) and pretend it never happened.  But luck was not on my side that day…like having my aces go down to ace-eight-off.

Now, you have to try to picture this.  I was lying on my stomach, with my head facing away from him.  I slowly started to turn my head…quietly…to check if he was sleeping.  

He wasn’t sleeping.  He was wide awake.  Instead of a smile and a “good morning,” I saw a nodding head with a “Yup, that just happened” face.  No words needed to be spoken.  We both knew what we knew.

"Girl, you opened a stinky Pandora's Box you'll never be able to close."

Now, at this point, the majority of girls would have freaked and bolted for the door.  I, on the other hand, am not like most girls. I appreciate humor of the flatulence variety, even when I’m the culprit. I laughed it off and went back to sleep.  Luckily, he did too.

In the end, I think he was delighted I let one loose so early on, because to him that meant that he could LET THEM ALL LOOSE going forward.  Six years and eleventy billion farts later…

I realize I got lucky with my fart audience that night, but is there some way to know when it’s actually ok to let one loose? Clearly, I have no idea. Frankly, if you’re reading The Horn in hopes of learning the answer to such a question, you have bigger problems, my friends.  Much bigger problems.

Just in case my opinion really matters to you, I suspect that we can all get to – and get through – that milestone of the relationship a lot earlier than we think we can, and survive it just fine.  I mean, as a kid, didn’t you read the book, “Everyone poops?”  It’s true.  We all do it.

Couple of (poop) nuggets of wisdom to leave you with: 

  1. Don’t fart in the car while it’s not in motion.  If the car ain’t moving, opening the windows doesn’t help clear the air.
  2. Don’t fart in an enclosed space and force your loved one(s) to smell it (i.e. put on the window lock or stop the elevator).
  3. Hold back on the farting when you’re the inner spoon in a cuddling scenario.  However, the outer spoon should feel free to toot-away.  (But as stated in point 2, please allow your loved one the chance to break free of said spoonage if he/she chooses.)
  4. Farts tend to trail after you like the tail of a comet.  If you choose to go to another area of the room or house to let it rip, you might want to stay there for at least 10 seconds. Or “crop-dust” it around an empty room; it might not help, but its fun. 
  5. Don’t fart right before you exit the car (and close and lock the car, especially in the heat).  This is a “hotbox” and when you return, you’ll find the lovely scent has taken up residence in the fabric of the seats.

Common sense?  Maybe.  But some of you air-poo-dispensers occasionally forget the basics. 

Stay tuned.  More “toot-talk” to come on the Ryno’s Horn.

F.L.O.P. stands for the First Lady of Poker aka FLOPinTails and FLOPtimus Prime. FLOP was naturally resistant to her nickname, as it stirred images of a flacid penis.  However, much like a flacid penis, this nickname eventually grew on her. She was raised by an older brother to be “one of the guys”, but keenly aware of when to unleash the cleavage for manipulative purposes. 

One Comment

  1. Those were some southernfried-broiled-baked alaska-dipped in hawt sawce-giant sized- golden browned- CRISPY TURD NIBBLETS of advice. Thanks for that. Next time I go to a bar I’ll chug a beer, fart loudly, and rub my belly saying, “yep, here’s what you can expect”. See how many guys I get.