Crap you should read this Weekend (8/26)




House Republicans vs. the Environment:

House Republicans are once again trying to kill the Environment, but are doing so in a sneaky way. Appropriations bills for the Environmental Protection Agency and the Dept of the Interior will be up for vote when Congress gets back in session, and there are about 40 riders attached to the bills by House Repugnicans that actually diminish environmental standards for big business. Once again Republicans are pushing their own policies through a spending bill. Surprised? Don’t be. Instead smile at their warped irony of screwing the environment through Interior/EPA funding bills.

What type of riders are we looking at? One would forbid the USDA from even assessing if climate change would affect farmers and foresters. One would keep the Clean Water Act from deciding which rivers/lakes to protect, basically taking power away from the CWA. Another would exempt pesticides from the Clean Water Act; this would actually make it OK for pesticide companies to put poison in the water. Another would let the government purchase dirtier fuels; bad for environment but cheaper for the energy suppliers who can get crappier fuels. Another would block already passed legislation forcing customers to buy energy efficient lightbulbs. The list goes on and on.

Supporters of the riders say it prevents “over-regulation” from government and it hurts “job creation”. That’s code for “it costs too much for comply with these rules; its cheaper if we don’t care who or what we harm.” Once again Republicans are showing who they truly support; it isn’t the environment, it isn’t posterity, it isn’t the everyday citizen; it’s big business and they will stop at nothing to make sure their wealthiest supporters make as much money as possible. Capitalism is beautiful.

House Republicans add about 40 anti-environmental riders to appropriations bills — Huffington Post

Never trust a Republican when he hands you "Vitamin Water"


Ahmadinejad v. Israel:

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad once again bragged that Iran will eradicate Israel. During an interview on the Lebanese TV network  Al-Manar, Assholeijad said:

“Iran believes that whoever is for humanity should also be for eradicating the Zionist regime (Israel) as symbol of suppression and discrimination…Iran follows this issue (the eradication of Israel) with determination and decisiveness and will never ever withdraw from this standpoint and policy.

My Farsi is a little rusty, so I have to rely on HaAretz’s translation, but that is some scary shit. It’s easy to ignore these as rants of a loudmouth politician, but the bastard speaks on behalf of the government and the ruling establishment. Even scarier when you consider they’re pushing full speed ahead on developing nuclear weapons even though they continue to lie to the world about it.

Assholeijad constantly threatens Israel, but Israel can’t do anything about it. He’s trying to provoke them into attacking so Iran can pretend Israel is the aggressor and justify their hatred. If they sit idly by, and let Iran get The Bomb, then they have to live in constant fear of eradication. It’s your classic “Catch- Esreem USh’tayeem”.

How much longer does Israel have to sit on its hands before they shoot a rocket up this nutbag’s ass?

Ahmadinejad says Iran is determined to eradicate Israel —

"That? No, that's just a Persian BBQ. How do you like your lamb, medium?"


Leeza, Leeza:

Libyan Rebels expected to find a bunch of interesting crap when they took control of Qaddafi’s compound, but they certainly never expected to find a Photo album dedicated to Condoleezza Rice. Yet low and behold, the creepy Colonel seems to have been quite smitten with the former Secretary of State, and had an album filled with her pictures and press clippings. As one State Department official commented “its deeply bizarre and deeply creepy”.

Qaddafi’s schoolboy crush first became apparent during an interview in 2007 when Qaddafi discussed how much power Rice could wield in the Middle East:

I support my darling black African woman…I admire and am very proud of the way she leans back and gives orders to the Arab leaders. … Leezza, Leezza, Leezza. … I love her very much. I admire her, and I’m proud of her, because she’s a black woman of African origin.

He finally met his crush a year later when Rice came to Libya to normalize relations after 20+ years of fighting, and he showered her with $212k in gifts, among them a HUGE diamond ring and gold locket with his picture inside. US Officials can’t keep such gifts, but hey, they’ll always have Tripoli.

Rebels find photo album of Condi Rice at Qaddafi compound — MSNBC photoblog

Rebels try to turn the sticky pages


Jewish Indiana Jones is a Fraud:

Maryland — We should have known that a Jew couldn’t have that much chutzpah. Menachem Youlus, a Jewish bookstore owner, earned the nickname the Jewish Indiana Jones by travelling across the world, often to dangerous places, in search of Lost Torahs; particular Torahs that survived the Holocaust. Youlus is now charged with Fraud after its been discovered that his tales of his exploits were bullshit.

Youlous was apparently lying to wealthy benefactors to get funding for his adventures, yet he rarely even left the US. He bought Torahs from around the US and passed them off as “lost Torahs”. That’s like Indiana getting a soda at a Heat game and selling the cup to Marcus Brody as the Holy Grail. Youlus’s Save The Torah foundation brought in more than $1.2 million, and its reported that he funneled $1million into his bookstore account, and put almost 1/3 of that into his private accounts.

As a proud Jew, I can’t help but feel immense shame for the damage he did to the reputation of the REAL Indiana Jones, almost as much as Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. 

Jewish Indiana Jones faces fraud charges — Forbes

This is what happens when you hand the keys to the franchise to Shia LaBouf


Diamond Planet:

Astronomers have discovered a “diamond” planet about 4000 light years away. The planet is the most dense scientists have ever found, leading Astronomers to assume the carbon must be completely crystallized; ergo a planet made up of a big ass diamond. The planet has slightly more mass that Jupiter, but 20 times as dense, and rapidly orbits a neutron star.

White people are thrilled because we realize how much a planet like this would shut our women up, but Blacks and Latins just realized they have a whole ‘nother planet to get their hands chopped off on.

US Discovers planet made of Diamond — Reuters

This planet costs at least 3 months salary



Tennessee — Earlier this week, emergency officials were called to I-65 outside of Nashville because suspicious canisters were lying on the side of the road, smoking and emitting a foul odor.  Turns out the canisters accidentally fell off of a Greyhound bus, and contained about $80,000 of Bull Semen.

"No chance. I won't even touch mine, I use a sock."

Bull Sperm is apparently often transported by Greyhound Bus, because the Nut can’t be put on plane. It’s stored in tanks of liquid nitrogen (the cause of the reported “smoking”) and then put in a separate compartment from the passenger sperm luggage. This particular batch of Bull babies was headed to Texas from Ohio when the bus must have jerked and the sperm shot out. It took about 3 hours to clean up the Bus Bukake. Apparently Bull sperm smells funky, which I guess is why Jewish Cows usually don’t swallow.

When asked why the bus shot its load so early, the bus driver replied “I don’t know, this never happens to me.”

Bull Semen canisters fall off Greyhound Bus — MSNBC

This Elmer's Glue logo makes so much more sense now


Here’s some Friday fun, courtesy of The Chive.

Remember this one when you show up to Hell and ask the doorman "Why?"

"Honey, I don't care if he's not signaling, just let him pass!"

John Walsh is the only one who doesn't find this funny

"Mom, why?"

Apparently, they suck at flying too

Have a Horn-y weekend


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