Crap you should read Wednesday (8/3)


Mayor is Tanked:

I don’t know whether this is hilariously awesome or ridiculously stupid. Arturas Zuokas Mayor of the Lithuanian Capitol of Vilnuis, hopped in a tank to take to the streets to combat illegal parking. Proving that he is no softy on parking violations, Zuokas had the tank crush an illegally parked Mercedes. I’m hard pressed to believe that this wasn’t a car planted there specifically for the video, but you can never tell with those crazy Bloc bastards.

“I want to point out that if you have a car and more money it doesn’t mean that you can park it everywhere. Recently, there’s been an increase in this type of parking violations, and it shows a lack of respect for others.”

Apparently the problem is so bad that in this video, you don’t see any other cars parked anywhere on the street. Quite the epidemic, but more likely than not just Zuokas’ way to show he bands together with the little people over the wealthy Mercedes owning elite.  It also shows that someone needs to open up a tow-truck company in Vilnius, ASAP.

Lithuania Mayor hops in tank and rolled over illegally parked car — MSNBC


Underwater UFO:

300 feet below the surface, on the floor of the Baltic Sea, a team of Swedish salvagers found what some are calling a UFO. The group was searching for shipwrecks to find “liquid gold”, (bottles of alcohol, wine and champagne to sell for big $) but they found what could be a shipwreck of another kind. The Millennium Falcon-shaped object looked to be about 60 feet in diameter, and left a 900 foot trail of discernible drag marks on the ocean floor.

Of course this could be anything, but its just more fun to say its a UFO, or rather a USO (unidentified submerged object). Could it be an asteroid? Could it be man-made space debris like the fuel tank found this week from the 2003 Columbiaexplosion? Because there are many possible explanations, the salvage team had no plans to further investigate; that was until donations started pouring in from curious UFO enthusiasts. Now they plan another mission to collect more information, and sell t-shirts. I hear they are taking a Mathematician, a Psychologist, a General, a Biologist, an Astrophysicist and Samuel Jackson along with them on this sensitive mission, so maybe we’ll see a book and movie on this soon. Wait, we already did? These guys are screwed.

Underwater UFO? — AOL

Did anyone bring the All-Spark?


New Spidey:

In the Ultimate Marvel universe, Peter Parker is dead. The new Spider-Man is half-black and half-Latino, so I’m assuming he killed Parker. Miles Morales is the new Spidey, at least in the Ultimate Spider-Man line of comics which is a parallel universe, separate from the normal Marvel canon.

How Morales was infused with web-slinging has yet to be shared, but he’ll still be facing the standard Spidey conflict of figuring out how great power brings great responsibility. He’ll also be getting sage advice from regulars, Aunt May and Gwen Stacey. I bet they give Gwen a fat ass…I’m juss sayin’. He’ll need all the help he can get, because as a black/spanish kid in a mask, I’m guessing he’ll be arrested a lot sooner than Parker.

Marvel says that the new Ultimate Spider-Man represents a more realistic, diverse America. What they mean is that now comics are only sold to minorities in inner cities, so they need to make him more relate-able. Interestingly, they say that they also might make Miles Morales Gay, as to better represent gay teen America. They must have forgot that Tobey Maguire already did this to perfection in Spider-Man 3: Cryderman.

Ultimate Spider-Man is now black and latino — USA Today

A gay, spanish/black kid in tights? I know Spider-Man is on Broadway, but its not RENT


Death by Love Rival: 

Oh to be young and feel love’s keen sting…it’s just unfortunate when that sting is a bullet to your neck and face. Jason Rodriguez, 19, chatted for weeks with a girl on Facebook named Ty-Ann, only he had no idea Ty-Ann was actually his current girlfriend’s ex, Isreal Nieves, 19.

Nieves set up the Facebook account to trick Rodriguez into cheating, and Nieves planned to use this to get his girl back. Nieves even had a female friend to go on Web-Cam for him and call Rodriguez on the phone, pretending to be Ty-Ann. Rodriguez finally went to meet Ty-Ann to “her” house, but when he pulled in the driveway, Nieves walked up the car window and show him twice. Nieves shot at a couple witnesses, then took off. Rodriguez died a week later.

Although he broke down and admitted his scheme, Nieves claims the was so drunk and high on embalming fluid, that he doesn’t remember the actual shooting. He probably also doesn’t remember being accused of raping and beating his ex, or sending the picture below to his ex as a threat to not break up with him. This will not get him off the hook for the killing, but a good attorney might drop it down to manslaughter instead of murder. I hope they also charge him with ruining Facebook’s credibility for hooking up off their site. Getting killed because you tried to get some ass is soooo Craigslist.

Either way, I think a good punishment would be to book him in Orange County prison as Ty-Ann, since playing the bitch will certainly be his role for the next twenty years to life.

Jealous Ex lures love rival to death through Facebook — Dailymail

My Hipstomatic Exhibit A


Oh, Come On!

A Quadriplegic skydiver plummeted to his death when his parachute failed to open at skydiving festival in Flathead County, Montana.  There is so much wrong with that sentence, the least of which is that a man hit the ground in Flathead County. How do they let a quadriplegic jump/fall from a plane? This reminds me of an old joke: what has no arms, no legs, and jumps out of a plane? Nothing you idiot, that would be retarded.

Zack Fogle, 27, had limited mobility in his limbs stemming from a car accident in highschool. His brass balls apparently remained intact, as he completed 125 jumps over the last five years. Fogle had a custom built, disabled-friendly parachute, but unfortunately this get-up proved to be his demise. He flipped on his back in mid-air, and since he wasn’t facing the ground, his emergency chute wouldn’t open. Fogle plunged from 18,000 feet and hit the ground at 120 mph.

They say its a good chance he passed out while falling to his death, but I like to think he was walking on air. Until he wasn’t.

Skydiving Quadriplegic plunges to death — Dailymail

Over water, really? These pilots are just mean


Vesta Views:

Nasa’s Dawn took some awesome pictures of an asteroid named Vesta this week. Dawn launched in 2007, sling-shotted out of Mars orbit in 2009, and is now the first spacecraft to orbit an object in the main asteroid belt of our solar system. Vesta is the first of two asteroids it will explore, and its information will help NASA choose which asteroid we will land on by 2025.

The video is a series of photos snapped over 5 hours that show a full rotation of Vesta. So now there is a Vesta, there are views, so there certainly is a Vesta of Views.


Sake Bomb Dominoes:

This is apparently an oldie, but it was just sent to me yesterday. I’d like to dedicate this one to my friend Clint, who says he hasn’t seen anything good today. Bonzai!!!

Have a Horn-y Humpday.


Follow The Ryno on Facebook and Twitter or email