Saving Ryan’s Privates: Protect our Nipples


This might be the saddest story I ever pen for The Ryno’s Horn.

Olivia Wilde went on Jimmy Kimmel Thursday night and delivered possibly the best and worst news of the week. The goddess shared that although her character appears naked in the upcoming comedy The Change Up, its all just special effects.

Sorry Hornballs, you read correctly. Olivia’s nipples on her beautiful breasts were covered in pasties, and the nipples were added later by CGI.

They drew on cartoon nipples. I just cried while typing this.

As her TV boss, House, would say: You’re Lying.

This isn’t the first time this horrible hoax has been perpetrated on the American public. Just last year we were duped into thinking Jessica Alba showed us the goods in Machete, only to later find out that Robert Rodriguez and his computer-geeks hate our guts.

There is no way that Jim Cameron ever intended for this to happen.

There must be some kind of legal basis for stopping this madness

What is this world coming to when we need to draw on fake nipples? Is nothing sacred anymore?

I drew nipples on lingerie ads and yearbook pictures when I was a kid in need of material, and to be honest, it never worked.  I always saw past the illusion.

Personally, I don’t get it. Olivia flaunted her assets before in Alpha Dog, why get so shy all of a sudden? Unless she has some new glaring nipple-piercing injury, there is no reason for her to “pasty-up” now. Her boobs are at the height of their popularity, its wrong to deny them their internet-clicking fame, and to replace them with Gollum-nips.

This is worse than fake breasts. These are FAKE breasts.

What is with this overall prudish turn from our gorgeous leading ladies? I thought Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton showed how much respectability could be gained from porn-cred. Shoot, it surely wasn’t baring her soul that earned Halle Berry her Oscar for Monster’s Ball; it was the hanging boobs while getting railed that won over the Academy. She wasn’t even considered a serious actress until Swordfish. Coincidence?

This might be the worst thing to come from Equality for Women since the WNBA.

In case you need a frame of reference

Joking aside, where does this technology take us? Does the MPAA consider this real nudity? Will this be a way for sleazy directors to show racy teen “nudity” without breaking laws? Can they make Cameron Diaz attractive?

Wilde does ease the pain slightly by admitting she picked out her fake nipples and she confirms they look just like the real thing. Her validation does warrant possible consideration of her animated boobs for entry into the spank bank, the first such honor since Jessica Rabbit. I just don’t want this to become a trend.

Gentleman and ladies (I hope, because that would be hot) need to band together and boycott films that disgrace our sensibilities so. It’s almost always integral for character development to be naked at some point. How else am I supposed to feel for the character, listening to her talk?

Perhaps in the case of The Change Up we shouldn’t boycott; maybe just a strongly worded email. I’d see just about any movie starring Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman. Oh yeah, Olivia Wilde is in it too.

Just know that if this nipple-madness persists, my dad would have nothing to watch late-night and no reason to ever use email again.

Keep the nipples real. Keep the Horn-y alive.


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One Comment

  1. Where did you get your blog layout from? I’d like to get one like it for my blog.