Crap you should read Wednesday (7/13)

Crazy/Beautiful:

Here’s your latest dose of “Damn that Bachmann is Crazy/Scary”. Bachmann and her husband own a clinic that heals people through faith and prayer. No problem there, pretty standard if you have any idea who she is. Also, if you have any idea who she is, you know that she absolutely HATES the gays. Put that shit together, and you got a clinic that tries to “Cure” gays through intense prayer.

Bachmann has denied the charges for some time, but recently some dude went undercover and filmed his exchange with the counselor who was trying to cure him of his homosexuality and discussing successes with others who they have helped switch teams through prayer. She’ll probably keep denying, because she still doesn’t understand how video works.

Curing gays through prayer? Isn’t that like curing witches through fire? Do we really need to humor this nutbag anymore?

And since Michele uses God to justify every decision she makes, here’s one for her:  God created everyone, remember? Jesus preached loving all people. Stop wasting our time and money trying to pass legislation that justifies YOUR hatred, and work on finding money for our schools, hospitals, senior citizens…you know, stuff that Jesus would actually want done.

Speaking of prayer, God, if you are listening, Please Please Please don’t let this lady have anything to do with governing people. And let the Dolphins be good this year. Thank you. Oh yeah, I want to be invisible. Amen.

Bachmann’s clinic cures homosexuals with prayer — CNN

"Why is there a gavel next to me? No idea!"

 

Wade to Go:

The NFL Lockout will come to an end very soon, because there are only 16 games in a season, and there  are just too much money at stake for both the Owners and the Players. The NBA has 82 games, which means plenty of season can be lost as a bargaining chip until they feel the financial burn. This Lockout ain’t ending any time soon.

Naturally, with the price of baby mama’s skyrocketing, David Stern had to expect some players would take their talents to Europe for the paycheck. He just prayed it wouldn’t be one of his big money makers. So when Dwyane Wade announced that he would “consider” playing overseas, I’m sure Stern choked on his latte a bit.

D-Wade isn’t going anywhere, but “Consider” is a fun word. It leaves the door open enough to scare the rich white guys into thinking they could lose their biggest assets. You think owners want to a) their money to the overseas market, or b) risk injuries to their cash cows? Most importantly this takes away the Owner’s biggest bargaining chip: Money. Players would be able to collect paychecks, (albeit smaller), so they won’t be starved into caving into owners demands like NFL players are. America is the only place for football, basketball is worldwide. Sorry Stern, you wanted the game to be worldwide, and now you got it.

Now that Deron Williams has already agreed to play in Turkey, and Wade “considering” following suit, look for other superstars like Kobe and LeBron to discuss their “consideration” to play overseas. I just hope they realize that these “considerations” are meaningless until someone calls the bluff and actually suits up for a Euro team. Players should force a couple of their crew to do it, so look for James and Wade to force team whoopin boy Chris Bosh into a Turkey uni sometime soon.

I Love This Game!

Wade says he’s open to playing overseas — ESPN Heat Index

Shit, if it means he gets to wear hats like these without teasing, we might lose Dwyane for good

 

Bye Bye Penis 

Guys, grab your crotch, because an Orange County man just lived your nightmare.  Catherine Kieu Becker, 48, drugged her estranged husband’s dinner. When he awoke, he was tied to the bed with his wife brandishing a 10-inch kitchen knife. Catherine grabbed his penis, cut if off, and threw it in the garbage disposal.

The kind soul that she is, she called the paramedics to come to his rescue. Pieces of his penis were recovered from the disposal, but its unclear as to whether it could be reattached.

Why did Becker cut off her husband’s pecker? He “deserved it”. One could only assume it has to do with another chick, as the two filed for divorce back in May, but the neighbors didn’t hear any yelling or screaming. This chick is like Lorena Bobbitt meets Hannibal Lechter, and quite frankly I am scared shitless. I just think that no matter what he did to her, couldn’t she have come up with a revenge ploy that didn’t put her ass in prison for multiple felonies?

Why did she call the paramedics anyway? She should have just driven around with the severed penis in the trunk of her car for a month, then ditched it in the woods, and they would have let her out sooner.

Woman cuts off husband’s penis — NBC Los Angeles

The face of the Devil. Or your massage girl.

 

Washington Prison Irony:

In dumb news of the day, a Tacoma man imprisoned for child sex crimes is allowed to watch child porn in Jail. Weldon Marc Gilbert lured numerous boys to his house with money and alcohol, then asbused them. His 2007 arrest uncovered more than 100 child porn videos. Since Gilbert is acting as his own attorney, he’s allowed to view the videos under the guise of “Reviewing evidence.” Sure his evidence reviews are supervised, but come on!

What is the probative purpose of allowing him to do this? Its purely for pleasure, and yet another example of our legal system bowing to retarded liberal rules. He know’s whats on the videos, no reason to let him fill his spank bank and further his fantasies while in jail. Why don’t they just deliver him little boys?

If he shot someone, would they let him fire a gun inside the prison for ballistic tests? If it was a bestiality case, would they have brought his dog in for a conjugal visit?

Man accused of child sex crimes allowed to view child porn in jail — Seattle Times

"Yes your honor. I want to log in my Justin Bieber poster as Exhibit K"

 

Cheers: Las Vegas

CSI has snagged its latest victim aging star. Ted Danson will be taking over the Vegas unit, picking up where Larry Fishburne and William Peterson left off before him. CSI was once the highest rated, and highest grossing show on TV, but lost its edge, and its ratings, once Gus Grishom (Peterson) left. The white-haired wonder is a CBS dream, he can carry a show for the senior tour (Becker), and still a huge hit with the younger generation thanks to scene-stealing supporting roles (Damages, Bored to Death, Curb your Enthusiasm).

No word yet on what type of character Danson will be playing, but I just hope the CSI crew will take on some important investigations. For example, at what age did Teddy actually start wearing a toupee? Diane Chambers or Rebecca Howe? And what the hell was going through his head to make him have sex with Whoopi Goldberg?

Regardless, the eldercockers love this guy, so this is a great pick up for CBS, especially considering how quickly it all went down. I’m guessing their plans were thrown in a tizzy once Peter Falk died.

Ted Danson taking over CSI — Deadline

Danson investigates why so many viewers die while watching CBS. Its because they're old.

 

Mesmerizing Shot of the Day:

Charleroi Monessen Bridge in Pennsylvania was a piece of crap, so it was blown up to make room for a new bridge.

I know its infantile, but blowing shit up always looks cool.

 

Cannonball Dookie

Speaking of infantile, do I even really need to tell you what this next video is about?

Just watch it, and have a Horny Humpday.

 

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