Synema Synopsis: TF3 in IMAX 3D or You’re a Jackass



by J-Smitty


Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon

IMAX 3-D: ********** out of 5

Regular Theater: **

If you take one thing from this review, let it be this: J-SMITTY TOLD ME TO ONLY SEE TRANSFORMERS IN IMAX 3D (hence the title).  Forget movies about dolphins or arctic exploration, this movie is the reason IMAX theaters were made.

Avatar set the IMAX bar high, but Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon is now objectively the best movie ever shown in IMAX 3D.

Visually, this movie was an absolute powerhouse with no equal. Director Michael Bay put together a special effects orgy nothing short of masterful. This is the most visually pleasing display ever captured on screen, even more amazing than the Jolie-Mitchell lesbo-lovefest GIA. Most movies are turned into 3D crap after the fact, so they look hokey. Bay shot this movie to be watched in 3D, purposefully creating depth in every single shot, and putting you right in the middle of the robotic-warring action.

Running away from the action like a TRUE hero

Watching this movie felt like a 2.5 hour theme park attraction; a visceral roller coaster. See it in 2D, or in some lame AMC 3D, and you’ll leave you feeling like you missed the damn ride.

Now, if you are saying to me, “J-Smitty, IMAX is too expensive, I don’t want to spend the extra money,” I say, “Go swallow all the pills in your medicine cabinet, because clearly you hate life and you hate yourself.” Sell your plasma, your sperm, turn a trick or two if you have too, but spend the extra couple bucks. IMAX 3D will change the entire experience of this movie for you. I enjoyed the movie very much, but I know for a fact, if I saw it in a regular theatre (even if it was 3D), I would have hated it. Don’t wait for the DVD or see it in any other venue, because it will be garbage. The ONLY reasons to see this movie are the visual and sound effects, and there is no better way to show them off than in IMAX.

The premise of the movie is simple: Boy meets car; boy falls in love with car; car falls in love with boy and the universe tries to destroy them because God would not approve. Maybe that’s not it, but by now you should know what the hell these movies are about. This installment is no different than the last two, except Bay added different Decepticons with new tactics for winning the war against the Autobots.

"I don't have auto insuraaaaaaannnnnnnce!"

While the two other people that saw the movie with me did not think the script was bad, I thought the script was horseshit. For those of you who aren’t Equine feces collectors/lovers, horseshit is a bad thing. There’s no chance they did any re-writes on this script. A fifth grader handed it to Michael Bay and he just assumed all was a go. Taking away the special effects, this movie was plagued by an identity crisis; it tried to do too much. It tried to make you laugh, it tried to have character arcs for both the robots and the humans, and there was a lot of focus on a deeper meaning of human perseverance.

All I wanted from this movie was for them to blow a lot of shit up, have awesome fight scenes and show Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (Carly, the love interest) or Optimus Prime in their underwear. Fortunately, they did all of that (Optimus has a great undercarriage), but then added all this other stuff that took away from the movie.

"To be honest Rosie, I'm surprised Michael let you get away with wearing pants in this scene."

It’s kind of like when you are really excited about having sex with a girl. You start having this magical intercourse, but during it, her parents walk in and sit on the foot of the bed and start giving you pointers, her sister starts video taping it and near the climax she answers a phone call from her ex-boyfriend. Obviously, you enjoyed the sex, but you could have done without most of the rest.

Anyway, in TF3, they focused on things that had no purpose to advance the story. The first act harps on the fact Sam (Shia Labeouf) can’t get a job. They beat us over the head for almost 15-20 minutes with this. I get it, it sucks that he saved the world twice and is struggling to find work. I see what you did there. Look at all the heroes we have in this country that have paved the road of our freedom with their blood, sweat and tears. Once they get back from war, we treat them like shit instead of giving them their just deserts. It sucks, it is a disgusting relevant problem, but this movie was not the platform for that point. Boom, could have shaved 20 minutes off the movie.

They also spend way too much time setting up the love story between Sam and Carly. In most movies, I can see them doing this, but again, this is not the platform. Unless it was going to turn out in the end that her clitoris was going to transform into another AllSpark, it’s unnecessary. This is a movie about Robots in Disguise, Aliens that transform into Dodge Intrepids. I think we can easily accept two people love each other.

The driver is going to have to explain to his wife why he was distracted.

Whiteley is one of the most beautiful women ever put on screen, she can be verbally abusive to Sam, cheat on him right while he’s watching, constantly shit her pants and have a crotch that smells like Mt. Trashmore, and we’d still believe he loves her. All they needed to do was focus in on her amazing lips and drop a one-liner between Sam and Bumble Bee. Sam says, “She has no gag reflex.” Bumble Bee replies, “Beep, Beep”; and we know true love is in the air. Boom, just shaved off another 10-15 minutes.

Finally, I love a laugh as much as the next guy. I eat three cans of beans a day so I can listen to myself fart all night, a real giggle-fest. However, I don’t need to laugh in a Transformers movie.  I already expect the built in laughs by casting Shia Labouef, he’s a fantastic actor able to find comedy in any situation. However, I don’t need Ken Jeoung, John Malkovich, John Turturro and any other person with a J in their name trying to be funny. It was just too much. Nobody ever said, “I want to watch Transformers because it is so damn funny”. Boom, another 10-15 minutes gone.

"Ok Bumblebee. Put your arm right on his shoulder, right there. Great. Now Sam, open his glove box, ever so gently. Let me feel the passion. Nice. Action!"

So, if Michael Bay wouldn’t have hung up on me and took my editing advice, I’d trim away all the fat like a pageant judge, and it would have been unbelievable, whether you saw it in IMAX or watched it on your iPhone.

Putting all of that aside, you should definitely see this movie. As long as you do it…where? Honestly, if you don’t know the answer to this question by now, you should not be allowed to procreate.

So if you aren’t a complete moron you will see this movie in IMAX 3D and you will enjoy one of the best visceral experiences ever. Just go in with realistic expectations: there is more than EVER to meet the eye, but Bay leaves little for the brain.

"Frances, I know this is unprofessional, but can you please tell your husband that I am a HUUUGE fan. I've watched The Big Lebowski like 20 times."