C-Nasty’s Running Diary: 2011 NBA Draft

"Yes, Im going to...Cleveland??? Crap."

 

by C-Nasty, Diarist

 

Welcome back for another edition of C-Nasty’s Running Diary.  This time around we’re tackling the 2011 NBA Draft.  The general consensus around the country is: “Wait, there’s an NBA Draft tonight?  Really?”.  Most non-NBA scouts can name about 3-4 first round draft prospects this year (NBA scouts can name at LEAST 7 or 8).

This is partially due to the fact that there’s a very large international presence in this year’s draft but primarily because the widely accepted “best player available” played a total of 11 college basketball games.  This year’s draft should prove to be short on talent.  I was going to throw in a “but long on…” optimistic upside but could think of literally nothing exciting to say about this draft.  Last year’s NCAA players of the year Jimmer Fredette can shoot it from the parking lot but couldn’t guard the 12th man on a wheelchair basketball roster and yet he’s still being considered as a top 10 pick.

Throw in the fact that the NBA’s CBA is set to expire soon, with no agreement yet and an impending lockout in sight, and teams will be clamoring to dump big contracts and set themselves up for a much more strict salary cap and luxury tax.  All of this adds up to a number of potential trades, awkward international celebrations and each teams’ fans taking turns Googling the player their team just picked up to make sure they aren’t going to be starting a Bond supervillian.

PREVIEW

Stuart Scott anchors the coverage for ESPN along with Jon “I once won a 3 point shootout so that makes me relevant” Barry, Jay “I contradict myself in nearly every sentence” Bilas and everyone’s favorite ankle biter, Jeff Van Gundy.  Stuart talks briefly about how awful the Cavs have been since LeBron left and then throws it to Jeannine Edwards in Cleveland who he claims, “has the pulse of the city”.  Jeannine wastes no time in telling us that she has no fucking idea who the Cavs are picking with their 1st and 4th picks.  She does mention that scorned lover owner Dan Gilbert has been there since 10:30 AM!  The fact that this impresses Jeannine gives you an insight as to why that organization sucks worse than a lesbian with a gag reflex.

We then turn to Ric Bucher and Andy Katz for news on rumors around the league.  Ric takes a moment between attending to his perfectly placed hair to fill us in on the night’s first trade.  Details are as follows:

Charlotte receives:

-          7th overall pick in 2011 draft (from Sacramento)

-          Corey Maggette (from Milwaukee)

Milwaukee receives:

-          19th overall pick in 2011 draft (from Charlotte)

-          Stephen Jackson (from Charlotte)

-          Beno Udrih (from Sacramento)

-          Shaun Livingston (from Charlotte)

Sacramento receives:

-          10th overall pick in 2011 draft (from Milwaukee)

-          John Salmons (from Milwaukee)

Ric also lets us know that Captain Jack’s attitude toward being traded from Charlotte to Milwaukee is essentially, “fuck that, I don’t wanna go.”  Milwaukee feels confident that they can smooth things over.  I’d like to take this opportunity to remind Milwaukee front office that their team is still located in Milwaukee.  I do not like their chances.

We turn to Andy Katz to figure out how this impacts the draft who lets us know that this likely means that Sacramento will take Jimmer Fredette at 10.  This also means that Utah can stop agonizing over whether to take him at #12 because, well, he’s the whitest player in the draft, played in Utah and would give fans a collective Mormon church denounced hard-on.  Stuart Scott then turns to the guys for analysis and asks who got the better of this trade.  JB likes it for Milwaukee for landing Jackson (if he actually goes) and Van Gundy says that Charlotte actually did very well in this trade because it made their team worse.  Stellar logic Jeff, approximately zero teams are looking forward to hiring you.

DRAFT

7:31 PM – We kick off the coverage with a montage of all the draft picks dressed like the cast of Newsies while Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” plays and Taye Diggs’ voiceover covers all the requisite clichés.  Also, there is a wolf on some stairs.  Seriously.

7:34 PM – David Stern walks out to a chorus of boos and lets us know that we’re in the Prudential center in Newark.  Apparently the conference center Cherry Hill’s Radisson Hotel was booked tonight.  It appears that Stern suffered a stroke before he came onstage as he sounds like Chris Mortensen after a lobotomy.

7:40 PM – To Jeannine Edwards’ no one’s surprise, the Cavs take Kyrie Irving with the first pick.  I’d like to take this time to reiterate that Irving played a total of 11 college basketball games in his career and was drafted #1.  That’d be like doing a pretty good De Niro impression for your friends and landing a starring role in a summer blockbuster because you “have potential”.

7:41 PM – Jay Bilas starts his analysis by saying that Irving is the best point guard in the draft and is also not a great passer.  He also mentions that Kyrie is not one of those players that can only go right; he can go right AND left.  Thanks for spelling that out Jay, I thought you were setting us up to introduce a third direction.

7:46 PM – Derrick Williams is picked up by the Minnesota Timberwolves and takes a break from chewing the rocks he’s been munching on for the last 10 years to make his way the stage.  Bilas tells us that he has a “loping style” but he’s very ,very explosive.  He also points out that he’s a solid rebounder that doesn’t rebound at a very high rate.  Someone please get Jay a dictionary and a thesaurus so he can stop contradicting himself in every sentence.  They cut to Minnesota’s draft room where we see everyone applauding.  Did they not know who they were going to pick?  Were they worried Williams was going to refuse to put on a hat and go on stage?  That’d be like me choosing to watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and then giving myself a standing ovation.

"Oh, so this is where I 'attended' school!"

7:50 PM – The Jazz pick up Turkey’s Enes Kanter with the #3 pick.  Utah couldn’t justify going with Jimmer Fredette here so they opted for the biggest, whitest person available.  Kanter was actually recruited by Kentucky but the NCAA wouldn’t allow him to play because he received $33,000 for playing pro ball overseas.  At this point the NCAA has become more hypocritical than the Catholic church.

7:57 PM – Van Gundy makes the same applauding-your-own-pick comment that I just made, which is both reassuring and horrifying for me, given his analysis thus far.  The Cavs decide to shock everyone outside the Thompson family by taking Texas’ Tristan Thompson with the 4th pick.  JB, Bilas and Van Gundy just spent the last 5 minutes talking about how badly Cleveland needs to get a low post scorer to take some of the pressure off Kyrie Irving.  Yet for some reason they chose Thompson who, Bilas tells us, is a good offensive rebounder and shot blocker but isn’t a very good offensive player.  I tend to paraphrase here, but this quote was just too good.  Jay Bilas: “His footwork is high level, he just needs to learn how to play and how to score.”  Great pick Dan Gilbert.  Somewhere, LeBron is sitting on Dwyane Wade’s lap, feeling better about himself and his decision to leave the Cavs.

8:03 PM – Toronto takes Jonas Valanciunas from Lithuania with the #5 selection.  This is somewhat of an interesting pick because due to contractual issues, Valanciunas probably won’t be able to join the Raptors until the 2012-2013 season.  But to be fair, anytime you can use a top 5 pick to take a skinny, unproven foreigner that won’t be able to join your team for over a year you pretty much have to do it.  Fran Fraschilla rationalizes it by saying that you make this pick because you want to see what kind of player he’ll be at 24 or 25.  Jonas is 19 now.  I’m fairly confident in my belief that the Raptors won’t exist 5-6 years from now.

8:06 PM – Mark Jones interviews the newest Raptor and Mark mentions that Jonas had said that his game is similar to Chris Bosh’s.  Mark asks him to expand on that statement and the Lithuanian goes with, “I don’t know…I don’t know…I’m not very strong…I don’t know.”

Dear Pat Riley,

Please trade that useless dinosaur alien.

Cordially,

Everyone south of Orlando

8:08 PM – The Wizards go with Jan Vesely of the Czech Republic; adding to the list of players in the top 10 that you’ve never heard of.  Jan’s first move is to make out with his hot blonde girlfriend and then put on a hat that’s 3 sizes too small.  We then cut to clips of Jan dunking on everyone in Europe.  This is officially the first foreign player’s highlight reel that’s not focused solely on layups and 18 foot jumpers, so at least Washington’s got that going for them, which is nice.

8:11 PM – Because of the aforementioned trade, the Kings are picking for the Charlotte Bobcats and they go with Bismack Boyombo.  Fran, the resident expert on foreign players, gives us a similar scouting report to that of Tristan Thompson.  He can rebound, block shots but, Frischilla says, “he cannot score…you cannot run any plays for him.”  Sounds like a solid top 10 pick if I’ve ever heard one.  I realize that athletic ability is currency in the NBA, but we just watched a far less athletic Mavs team knock out the athletically freakish Miami Heat.  Why wouldn’t you use a top 10 pick on a proven scorer like Jimmer Fredette or a winner like Kemba Walker?

8:18 PM – We’re finally back to the players whose names I can pronounce portion of the draft as the Pistons take Brandon Knight at #8.  Knight is the most recent alum of John Calipari’s “Give me a one year shot at a NCAA title and I’ll make you a lottery pick” point guard camp.  This makes him the 4th consecutive point guard lottery pick for Calipari after Tyreke Evans, Derrick Rose and John Wall.  Bilas stumbles through his analysis by telling us that “he’s got great defensive potential” (even though he’s “not a disruptive defender”) and that “he’s got good passing instincts” (even though he’s “not a high assist guy”).  I’m going to submit my application to be an ESPN analyst after tonight’s broadcast.

#10 won't be invited to Kemba's next celebration

8:24 PM – The Bobcats debut a new draft strategy by taking someone who’s actually won some meaningful basketball games in Kemba Walker with the 9th pick.  Stuart Scott says Kemba has a lot of upside both on and off the court.  Stu, what in the blue fuck are you talking about?  How does an NBA player have upside off the court?  Are you implying that he’s going to get better at placing bets with Michael Jordan’s bookie or disposing of Oakley and Barkley’s dead hookers?  Jay Bilas tells us how great he is and then says that the only knock on Kemba is that…he’s a tough competitor?  I give up.  You could have said he’s undersized.  Or that he’s a score-first guard and they need a facilitator on the floor but can’t play DJ Augustin and Kemba at the same time because both of them are shorter than my sisters.

8:30 PM – Milwaukee, picking for the Kings due to the trade, take everyone’s favorite virgin, Jimmer Fredette.  Jay Bilas tells us that Jimmer is a scoring specialist.  Isn’t that the point?  Porn stars don’t put “orgasm specialist” in their bios, it’s kind of assumed that it comes with the territory.

"Not that Titty Twister?!?!?!?"

8:36 PM – The Warriors go with Klay Thompson from Washington State and we’ve now exhausted the list of people that I’ve heard of in this draft.  Klay is 1978 #1 pick Mychal Thompson’s son and actually looks really fucking good in the highlight reel they put together.  Deep range, good passer and at 6’7” can dunk on people.  Of course since he looks great but few people know about him, this would be a natural time to turn to the JB or Bilas for holes in his game.  However, all of the time is taken up talking about Klay’s father. Well done ESPN.

8:41 PM – Utah uses their second lottery pick on Alec Burks from Colorado at #12.  Bilas tells us that Burks absolutely has an NBA game and then goes on to say that Alec is not a shooter.  Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t the best shooters in the world in the NBA?  Thanks for your contribution, Jay.

8:48 PM – The Suns use the 13th pick to take half of the twins from Kansas by selecting Markieff Morris.  How must his brother Marcus feel?  You are literally identical to the person who just got drafted, and according to the guys, you’ve always been regarded as the better player.  The only way you could feel ok about this is if you got pick-

8:53 PM – -ed next and that’s exactly what happens.  The Rockets take “baby” brother Marcus with the 14th pick.  Every question surrounding these picks has to do with “how are you going to deal with being away from your brother for the first time?”  Note: my answer of “millions of dollars and groupies” was deemed incorrect.

"Wanna switch? Those racists will never know."

9:02 PM – Indiana is on the clock at 15 and they go with Kawhi “I finally found someone who can do tight braids” Leonard.  According to Jay Bilas what sets Leonard apart is that he’s relentless, and apparently you can’t teach relentless.  Jay also tells us that he’s not a shot blocker as we see a clip of Leonard blocking a shot.  The first accidentally hilarious shot of the draft makes its debut as there’s a clip of Kawhi holding his hand up to Andy Katz’s and Leonard’s is almost twice the size.  Kawhi gives us a “you know what it is” grin and the words “Huge Hands” appear on the screen.  Women of Indiana, start stretching.

I'm coming for you, Lexington Steele

9:08 PM – The 76ers take the first person who wasn’t good enough to get his own table as USC’s Nikola Vucevic makes his way toward the stage from his seat in the crowd.  Stuart lets us know that he’s 6’11” but has a 7’5” wingspan so one would assume that he’s a fantastic hugger.

9:13 PM – The Knicks fans in attendance collectively lose their fucking minds as they’re shown on camera leading up to New York’s pick.  And with the 17th pick, the Knicks take the first person who didn’t think he was good enough to be drafted so he didn’t show up, Iman Shumpert from Georgia Tech.  Heather Cox interviews a befuddled Spike Lee who rationalizes the pick by saying, we need defense and rebounding and apparently that’s what he does.  Way to go out with a fart, Donnie Walsh.

9:18 PM – The Bullets Wizards are up again and this time they opt for Florida State’s Chris Singleton at #18.  It appears that we’ve entered the good athlete/great defender portion of the draft since that’s all that Chris can do.  Maybe this is because it’s the first NBA draft I’ve covered but I’m surprised at how many non-offensive players have gotten picked up.  Defense is about athletic ability and effort.  There are very few unathletic players in the league so why not grab an offensively talented player and get in his ear about effort on the defensive end.  This almost seems like drafting a punter for your football team in the first round.

9:23 PM – Again, because of the trade earlier tonight, this is Charlotte’s pick but it’s going to Milwaukee and at #19 the Bucks go with Tobias Harris from Tennessee.  The highlight reel shows how impressively athletic and talented Harris is.  Though to be fair, when I heard Tobias I pictured David Cross in his never-nude shorts so just about anything seems athletic in comparison.

9:27 PM – We have our second trade of the night and it’s much less complex than the first.  The Pacers are sending Kawhi “huge hands” Leonard, the 42nd overall pick in this draft and the rights to Erazem Lorbek (46th pick in 2005) to San Antonio in exchange for backup point guard George Hill.  Here’s hoping that Kawhi doesn’t bring his girlfriend around Tony Parker and that George thoroughly enjoys white people.

9:30 PM – The guys implore Minnesota to take someone, anyone with talent at #20 and the Timberwolves go with yet another player no one’s ever heard of, Donatas Matiejunas.  Fran tells us that Donatas is a stretch power forward; a big guy with shooting range.  It’s a good thing the Wolves already have 3 players (Kevin Love, Michael Beasley and the #2 pick Derrick Williams) who are exactly like that.  Solid showing as always, David Kahn.

9:37 PM – I completely forgot that there are still people I’ve heard of waiting to be drafted.  The Blazers have the #21 pick and they take Duke point guard Nolan Smith.  It’s gotta sting a little if you’re Nolan – you’ve been the leader of a very successful Duke team for years and this 19 year old freshman comes in, plays 11 games and goes as the #1 pick.  However, this is actually a good fit for Nolan as Andre Miller is getting a little long in the tooth and he could bring a great pace to the second unit off the bench.  That’s my uninformed analysis, let’s hear what the experts have to say.  Stuart Scott & Co. decide to mention none of that and instead talk about how Nolan’s father played in the NBA and how Nolan has a tattoo of his dad’s face on his arm.

9:41 PM – Andy Katz reports that Denver and Portland are “talking feverishly”, which sounds exhausting, about dealing the Blazers’ Andre Miller for the Nuggets’ Raymond Felton.  Nothing is confirmed yet, but this would be a great deal for Portland, who had the fewest possessions per game of any team in the league last year and could use a point guard who can push the ball.  Given this news, Stuart Scott decides it’s best to talk about George Karl and his cancer instead.

9:43 PM – Denver uses the 22nd pick to take Morehead State’s (just placed my order for a school shirt) Kenneth Faried.  I remember being impressed with Kenneth during Morehead State’s March Madness run.  Jay Bilas spends most of his time talking about how relentless Faried is, how you can’t teach relentless and how great this kid is.  He follows that up by telling us how bad of an offensive player he is and how he just has no skill at all.  Make up your fucking mind Jay.

Morehead balances out BYU's No-Head policy

9:50 PM – David Stern seems to get more and more amused every time he steps on stage, gets booed and then tries to pronounce a foreign player’s name that he completely butchers.  This time it’s Nikola Mirotic who’s draft by Houston with the 23rd selection.  We turn to Fran Fraschilla for the scouting report who explains that he’s one of the best players in Europe, a 6’10” versatile forward with shooting range.  The only downside is that he won’t be available for 4 years.  Um, what?

9:52 PM – Ric Bucher explains that Houston made this pick to flip it to Minnesota in a proposed trade.  Houston would get Jonny Flynn and the 20th pick Donatas Matiejunas from Minnesota in exchange for Nikola Mirotic and Brad Miller.  This actually isn’t a horrible trade for the Wolves, who clear some room at the point guard spot for Ricky Rubio and stockpile another talented big forward to replace their current pieces.  One can only assume that Kevin Love will do any and everything to get out of Minnesota in the next 4 years and by that point I’m certain Michael Beasley will have absolutely stopped caring about basketball whatsoever.

9:54 PM – Serge Ibaka is on hand in a creamsicle jacket to see his Oklahoma City Thunder take Reggie Jackson from Boston College with the 24th pick.  Reggie is a scoring guard with a 7’0” wingspan who needs to work on his passing ability and, based on his picture, his complexion.

9:59 PM – Boston’s on the clock at #25 and they go with MarShon Brooks from Providence.  ESPN quickly cuts to the dorkiest white kid in the crown holding up a sign that reads “MarShon Brooks = Next Kobe Bryant”.  Danny Ainge is hoping he’s referring to his jumpshot and not his raping ability.

10:04 PM – The Champs take Jordan Hamilton of Texas with the 26th pick.  Bilas feels like this is a steal of a pick for Dallas, but that’s mostly because he had him slated as the 9th best player in this draft and he doesn’t want to sound like the moron he’s proved himself to be over the last few hours.  That being said, Hamilton is a talented perimeter scorer who could give them an additional scoring punch off the bench with Jason Terry, though hopefully he won’t do Terry’s stupid flying jet dance every time he makes a shot.  You’re in the fucking NBA, it’s supposed to go in.  Asshole.

10:06 PM – Andy Katz lets us know that Boston’s MarShon Brooks pick was actually for the New Jersey Nyets Nets.  The Nets will send Boston whoever they take at 27 in addition to a future second round pick in exchange for Brooks.  This actually works out pretty well for Brooks because the Celtics are too old to win a championship now and, since New Jersey sucks, he’ll get a lot more minutes in his new home.

10:09 PM – Jersey picks for Boston and take JaJuan Johnson out of Purdue, who was the Big 10 Player of the Year and Defensive Player of the Year last year.  Stu throws to Bilas for the scouting report and Jay tells us that he is good at defending and running.  Apparently that’s all it takes to win Player of the Year in the Big 10.

Jay Bilas must have pictures of Stuart Scott without his glass-eye in to keep getting this gig

10:12 PM – Minnesota can’t help but stay in the conversation tonight as they come up with another trade.  This one sends the rights to Nikola Mirotic, who they got from Houston in an earlier trade, to Chicago in exchange for the 28th and 43rd overall picks.  Everyone agrees that this is a great deal for the Bulls since Mirotic will become available around the time that Boozer’s deal expires in a few years.  Everyone also agrees that Minnesota has no idea what the fuck they’re doing.

10:14 PM – Chicago, picking for the Wolves, take Norris Cole from Cleveland State University.  This is yet another point guard for Minnesota.  However, Norris has a hightop fade.  This makes him cooler than any of the other 12309432 point guards on the Timberwolves roster.  Objectively.

10:19 PM – The Spurs take Texas’ Cory Joseph at 29.  According to the graphic on screen, Cory is a 6’3” freshman guard who looks like he either came or smelled an interesting fart right before his picture was taken.  Jay tells us that this pick is a surprise as most people had him going later in the second round due to his inability to finish or shoot well.  Side note: in addition to completing my ESPN analyst application, I also plan on declaring for next year’s draft tomorrow.

10:22 PM – With the last pick in the first round, the Bulls take Marquette’s Jimmy Butler.  Butler apparently suffered a similar fate as Michael Oher of The Blind Side fame.  Jimmy was kicked out of his house by his mother at 13 before being taken in by a random white family.  Hopefully this will get the movie treatment as well and give Sandra Bullock another chance to play a bitch strong woman with a opportunistic caring spirit.

 

Well, that wraps up the first round of the 2011 NBA Draft.  This has proved to be a veritable “Who’s That?” of international superstars regular people who are very tall.  I’ve also provided a brief rundown of the second round picks below for all two of you that care.  Seeing as how no one gives one quarter of one shit about either the NHL or the MLB drafts it looks like I’ll have to find something new to write to the diary about.  Either that or do nothing at all until next spring.  Odds are on nothing, I’m good at that.

-          Miami (31) – The Heat traded this pick (Bojan Bogdanovic F Croatia), a future second round pick and cash to Minnesota for the 28th pick, Norris Cole.

-          Cleveland (32) – Justin Harper F Richmond

-          Detroit (33) – Kyle Singler F Duke

-          Washington (34) – Sheldon Mack G Butler

-          Sacramento (35) – Tyler Honeycutt F UCLA

Trade:

Dallas receives:

Rudy Fernandez (from Portland)

Rights to Petteri Koponen (30th pick in 2007) (from Portland)

Denver receives:

Andre Miller (from Portand)

Rights to Jordan Hamilton (26th pick in this draft) (from Dallas)

Future 2nd round pick

Portland receives:

Raymond Felton (from Denver)

57th overall pick

-          New Jersey (36) – Jordan Williams F Maryland

-          LA Clippers (37) – Trey Thompkins F Georgia

-          Houston (38) – Chandler Parsons F Florida

-          Charlotte (39) – Jeremy Tyler C (dropped out of high school to turn pro in Europe, most recently played with the Tokyo Apache in Japan)

-          Milwaukee (40) – Jon Leuer F Wisconsin

-          LA Lakers (41) – Darius Morris G Michigan

-          Indiana (42) – Davis Bertans F Latvia

-          Chicago (43) – Malcolm Lee G UCLA

-          Golden State (44) – Charles Jenkins G Hofstra

-          New Orleans (45) – Josh Harrellson C Kentucky

-          LA Lakers (46) – Andrew Goudelock F College of Charleston

-          LA Clippers (47) – Travis Leslie G Georgia

-          Atlanta (48) – Keith Benson C Oakland

-          Memphis (49) – Josh Selby G Kansas

-          Philadelphia (50) – Lavoy Allen F Temple

-          Portland (51) – Jon Diebler G Ohio St.

-          Detroit (52) – Vernon Macklin F Florida

-          Orlando (53) – DeAndre Liggins G Kentucky

-          Cleveland (54) – Milan Macvan F Serbia

-          Boston (55) – E’Twuan Moore G Purdue

-          LA Lakers (56) – Chukwudiebere Maduabum F NBDL

-          Portland via Dallas (57) – Tanguy Ngombo F Qatar

-          LA Lakers (58) – Ater Majok F Sudan

-          San Antonio (59) – Adam Hanga G Hungary

-          Sacramento (60) – Isaiah Thomas G Washington

 

2 Comments

  1. It is amazing to me with all the money in play in the professional sports how bad teams are at drafting. No matter what the sport, you are left shaking your head after draft day as if the coaches are basing their decision on a psychic instead of the statistics the entire world has in front of them.

    As always C-Nasty, your diary was extremely entertaining. Look forward to reading your next review in 2012.

  2. “…my answer of “millions of dollars and groupies” was deemed incorrect.”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH