Crap you should read Thursday (6/23)

Obama outlines Afghan Troop Withdrawal:

President Obama addressed the nation Wednesday night and outlined his plan for withdrawing US troops from Afghanistan. The plan calls for withdrawing 10,000 troops this year, and then 23,000 more by the end of 2012. This would redeploy the 30,000+ troops sent in as the “surge” last year, but would still leave around 68,000 in Afghanistan. This is a far cry from a “complete” withdrawal from hostilities, and many on both sides of the aisle are disappointed with the half-ass measure.

Some, (mostly stupid peace-nik Democrats or pretend-penny-pinching Tea Partiers) are bitching that we need to pull everyone out immediately since Afghanistan is an un-winnable war. Others are bitching that we shouldn’t pull anyone out before the war is won, because we need to finish this mess rather than leave it as a hot-bed of terrorism. Others still complain that announcing this timetable will just embolden the enemy to stand firm until we withdraw everyone. Man, it’s just so tough to please everyone when it comes to armed conflicts these days!

Unfortunately, what the hell can we do? Afghanistan is a breeding ground for terrorism and anti-Western sentiment, controlled in part by the Taliban. That’s just a bad combo, and not one that we can just abandon altogether, even if Barry O did naively promise to do so while running for Pres. Republican Presidential Candidate, Herman the Godfather Cain said it best: “President Obama’s Speech tonight is a stark reminder that while one might campaign in poetry, one must govern in prose.”

Republican responses to Obama’s Afghanistan Address — Huffington Post

Even Democrats hate the Afghan Plan — Huffington Post

"To be clear, I am not advocating that the Pull-Out Method is always safer..."

Silicone Implants Ok’d, kinda:

The FDA concluded that silicone breast implants are ultimately safe. Don’t rush out to get your new boobs just yet, “safe” just means that they couldn’t find a definitive causal link between the silicone and the numerous ailments usually associated with ruptured implants.

But now the FDA says silicone can stay on the market, though they acknowledge that you lucky ladies need to replace your new boobs every 8-10 years to keep them from rupturing.

There are very few things I can speak intelligently on…Boobs are one of them. Boob implants are the other, as I worked on the monstrous Dow Corning Silicone Breast Implant Class Action litigation while interning during law school. I was tasked with sifting through all the Discovery to pinpoint the most damaging connections for the ailments of out hundreds of clients and their ruptured silicone implants. We had a freezer filled with ruptured implants, with the flesh still fused to silicone. Let me ask you this: would you pour raw silicone inside your body and expect to be perfectly healthy? No, that’s why you put it in a friggen plastic bag before you throw it in there. Its poison, keep it out of your body.

For the record, I hated that job. With my aforementioned affinity for boobs, I had to stare at mangled boobs and botched mastectomies all day, so the last thing I wanted to look at when I came home was another set of boobs. This completely threw off my masturbatory circadian rhythms and my studies were surely affected.

Its not supposed to look like a menstruating jellyfish, right?

FDA concludes silicone breast implants are safe — Miami Herald

FDA says breast implants are safe, but likely need to be replaced every 8-10 years — Reuters


Superstar Poker Ring Outed:

A private multi-million dollar poker game of celebrities and businessmen has been outed thanks to a lawsuit filed by scammed hedge-fund investors. The hedge fund was managed by Brad Ruderman who embezzled and Ponzi’d to pay off over $300,000 in debts from losses to Tobey Maguire. Back in 2007, Spiderman allegedly relieved Ruderman of $110k on one hand alone.

Ruderman has 7 more years on his sentence in Texas State Penal, so his clients are suing Spidey for the money he earned by kicking Ruderman’s donkey ass at the tables. Crybabies!

Also in this private game, which was played in secret locations with armed guards, were Leo DiCaprio, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon. PopEater reported:

According to a fellow player, “Matt never won” and “Leo is a tight ass. When he lost $50,000 the look in his eyes was obvious, he was crazy.”

For the unofficial record, Maguire allegedly earned around $1million a month, or about $30+ million over the 3 year span of the game. The suit alleges that Maguire should return the funds as they were not his to accept, and the gambling itself nullifies his claim to the money. Maguire’s defense was probably something like “Oh boy” and an extended middle finger, but now he has to worry about criminal charges for his involvement in illegal activities, as well as being crucified as a celebrity “getting away with a crime”.

The most disturbing part is surely that Matt Rounders Damon, “never won”. That’s like hearing that Mel Gibson can’t swing a sword, George Clooney can’t rob banks, and Mark Wahlburg has a tiny shlong.

Tobey Maguire, Ben Affleck, Leo Dicaprio in Gambling ring and busted — Popeater

Leave your Spidey sense at home, its creeping me out


Mark Cuban is Bad Ass of the Day:

In 2010, a minority ownership group of the Dallas Mavericks brought suit to gain control of the team from Mark Cuban, who they claim was “reckless and careless” in his management of the Mavs. This week, to counter the suit, Cuban submitted a response that could be graciously called a big “Fuck You”.

The response had a big picture of the Mavs hoisting their NBA Finals Championship trophy high above their heads, and stated that :

“Under Cuban’s stewardship, the Mavericks have become one of the league’s most successful teams and are now NBA champions…Accordingly, there can be no genuine question that claims of mismanagement lack merit and …. should be disposed of.”

Cuban also asks the court to:

“award the World Champion Dallas Mavericks such further relief to which they are entitled (although they are quite content at the moment).”

I want to be pissed at this sophomoric display, but its just so damn cool. Sigh.

Mark Cuban files badass legal document — TMZ

I bet that Trophy doesn't wash its hands


Beauty Queens on Evolution in Schools:

I actually wanted to shoot myself in the face while watching this next video posted by Tosh. The 51 contestants for Ms America voiced their opinion on whether or not Evolution should be taught in schools. While many said “yes”, it often carried the rationalization that students deserve to hear the “other side”. As if THEORY BASED ON FACT is the OTHER SIDE???? Creationism is religious metaphor and deserves maybe a paragraph in a science textbook, mostly so that students know what people thought before science was around.

What is with this bullshit that we must always teach the “other side” for “fairness” sake? Why are there always two sides to a story that have to be told? When teaching the Holocaust, do Holocaust deniers deserve equal lecture time? When teaching about Civil Rights, should teachers spend hours discussing the benefits of Slavery? When discussing Rape, should counselors make sure to share the proper uses of Rape as a legal punishment in the Middle East?

Evolution is a “theory” based on thousands of years of FACT. Like gravity…I want to be taught this “theory” in school so i know that if I step off my balcony, I am going to fall and splatter in the middle of the friggen CitiBank protestors. I don’t need to be taught about FAITH that a gust of wind might save my life.

FAITH is wonderful, and in many cases necessary for a sane and healthy life, but its something to be taught in church. School is a place for FACT.

These chicks are hot, but if I was judging this contest for the perfect woman, I’d choose the one who kept her mouth shut.

In case you want to shake your head for 15 minutes — Tosh.0


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