The Babe rants on Valet Parking

"What country do you think this is?"

By, Justin “The Babe” Kapahi

You know what really grinds Babe’s gears…

I realize that Miami is a vacation destination, and I realize that parking cars is really a mob run big business, but the valet parking attendants, as well as the restaurants and shops that utilize them, have gone too far!

It’s bad enough that I’m forced to pay $20 to park my car at a restaurant where I am about to get ripped off for a nice meal.  It’s bad enough that a 20% gratuity is included and the service probably sucked.  It’s bad enough that each Hendrick’s Gin Dirty Martini costs $18, and it’s bad enough that the super hot hostess wearing a cat suit is actually from West Ft. Lauderdale and prefers steroid-taking gorillas who work at the mall over, say, somebody like the Babe….

Do I have to be emotionally raped by every Valet attendant in town when I decide that I don’t want to fork over ANOTHER $20 to have my car “parked up-front”?  Its nice that they offer to park my car next to the 6 Ferrari’s and 5 Bentley’s parked up front, but seriously, I shouldn’t have to feel like a disappointing loser each time I decide to save my money and park my car in the place where everybody else parks their car.

The whole concept is ridiculous.  Think about it.  Having your car parked up front is actually LESS work for the valet.  They don’t have to do shit.  They move your car 5 feet and wait for you to exit the restaurant.  For less money, they have to drive your car around the block and hoof it back.  They need to do it all again to retrieve your car.  Quite frankly, if my car is nice enough for you to park it in front of your precious restaurant, you should pay me. I just saved you a 5 block walk!


"Dude, I parked it where no one can ding your doors!"

To make matters worse, the valet attendant’s attitude changes completely after you turn down their “gracious” offer.  Just yesterday, I decided to valet my car after passing the valet booth and ended up being parked in the wrong direction.  I got out of the car and was immediately offered “a premium parking” space.

When I decided that $10 was enough, and $25 was insane, I was immediately berated for parking my car in the wrong direction and told not to do it again.  I guess if I was willing to line the valet guy’s pockets with an extra $15 he wouldn’t care if I parked my car on his mom.

So here’s what I have to say to all the valet men out there who offer me a premium spot…

GO FUCK YOURSELF! Do you validate?

One Comment

  1. And how about the fact that they normally move your seat and grind the gears on the 5-Speed?

    All while smelling awfully misty.