Crap you should read Tuesday (6/14)

NY might be Gay on Friday:

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is psyched because he might get a vote this week on his long term pledge to bring Gay Marriage to New York. Cuomo only needed to secure 6 new votes in the NY Senate to pass the legislation. He allegedly has 3 Democrats who were previously undecided, and a “slew of Republicans” that previously struck down the bill in 2009, have now seen the flashing light.

If the bill is passed, NY would be the 6th state (plus DC) to let gays join in the sacred right to legally fork over half your shit.

Governor Cuomo seeks gay marriage — Huffington Post

"That's right The Gays, enjoy your 60% divorce rate!"

New Hampshire Non-Debate

The Republicans held their first “official” debate today in New Hampshire. Of course this makes no sense whatsoever as the Republicans held a debate on Fox News on May 3rd, where most of the same people attended. Whatever. Republicans. So the 7 hopefuls Mitt Romney, Michele Bachmann, Tim Pawlenty, Ron Paul, Herman Cain, Rick Santorum, and Newt Gingrich all banded together to not actually debate each other on anything, but rather bash Obama for 2 hours, while mixing in a little bit about the economy, baby-killing, gay-hating, and anti-Muslim rhetoric.

The “winners” of this debate according to people who apparently have the secret Republican Decoder Rings, were Romney and Bachmann. Romney came off as the most Presidential of the bunch, and miraculously escaped any backlash over Obamacare. No one attacked him on his plan last night, though they all do it in the news every day! Did they all share a wink and not take down the one guy who’s winning with the polls? Minnesota darling Michele Bachmann toned down her crazy hate long enough to show that there’s another pretty lady out there who can rile up the conservative base with misleading soundbites with the best of ’em.

The winners of the last non-debate seemed to lose ground this time around. Herman Cain, the Godfather of Pizza, ran into the proverbial 800 pound Camel in the room, when he stammered on explaining previous statements regarding why he wouldn’t appoint a Muslim to his cabinet. The other Minnesota  twin, Tim Pawlenty, didn’t fair as well with pollsters because he refused to attack his fellow debaters, or you know, DEBATE THEM, when presented with things he had said previously. This is completely unfair to Pawlenty as NO ONE attacked anyone else. Professor Newt’s narcissitic exercise should be coming to an end soon, as his professorial tone comes off as complete and utter bullshit.

So to recap, no actual debating took place at the Second First Official Republican Presidential Debate.

New Hampshire Republican Debate Winners — Washington Post

"Of course I look Presidential, do you see the crazies the sat me next to?"

I hate Ohio

Ohio Governor John Kasich took bitter-douchiness to a new level when he signed an official declaration yesterday naming the Dallas Mavs and their fans as honorary Ohioans after their victory in the NBA Finals over persona-non-grata LeBron James and the Miami Heat.

Whereas the Dallas Mavericks displayed the loyalty, integrity and teamwork essential to victory before the entire country, affirming that these admirable traits are as crucial as talent and athleticism; and Whereas, NBA Finals Most Valuable Player Dirk Nowitzki chose to re-sign with the Dallas Mavericks in the summer of 2010, forgoing free agency and keeping his talents in Dallas, thus remaining loyal to the team, city and fans for whom he played his entire career, and Whereas the entire state of Ohio share in the excitement of Dallas Mavericks fans everywhere. Now, therefore I, John R Kasich, Governor of the State of Ohio, do hereby name the Dallas Mavericks, organization, friends, family and fans as honorary Ohioans, with all privileges and honors therein…

How pathetic is your state when your Governor has to officially congratulate another city and team for beating an individual?  When was the last time you got to congratulate a professional team from your state actually winning something? Hey Kasich, you ungrateful bastard, do you remember how much money this man made for your state, and what he brought for 8 years?

And The privileges and honors therein? Your team sucks. Your city sucks. That is why LeBron left for Miami. If he never won a title down here, has a devastating SeeDoo injury that claimed one leg and 6 fingers, catches Rashard Lewis’ herpes from his baby momma, loses millions in investments in Chris Bosh’s Vietnamese make-up factory, and dies a lonely man on Mario Chalmer’s pull-out couch, he’d still be better off than if he was still in that cesspool on Lake Erie.

Ohio Governor admits Mavs as honorary Ohioans — CNN Political Ticker

The Mavs will likely decline to take advantage of what Ohio has to offer, you know, just like the rest of America does

Penitentiary Practice makes Perfect for Plaxico

Former New York Giant and NY State Penitentiary member, Plaxico Burress, is trying to get his life back together since leaving the joint. Although he’s now 34, and lost 2 prime years of his career by shooting himself in the foot in a nightclub, Burress told the Wall Street Journal that he is a better pass catcher thanks to his 2 years in the prison. Plax says that with the Big-House QBs, “There weren’t a lot of guys throwing perfect spirals in there. I had to work to catch those balls.” Amazingly he used that last part also when talking about the showers.

This just in, Plaxico is also a better lover since he left prison, thanks to those same QBs.

Plaxico says he’s a better pass catcher now that he’s out of Prison — Pro Football Talk

Life sucks when Drew Rosenhaus is the only one to hug when you get out of Prison.

Lying Lockett

Last week, New England Patriot, Bret Lockett told In Touch magazine that he had a hot and heavy 5 month “physical relationship” with chocolate lover Kim Kardashian. Naturally Kim denied the whole thing, as she is engaged to New Jersey Nobody Net, Kris Humphfries. Kim went all “I’ll sue you” on Locket and In Touch, but Lockett is vehement in his assertions that they had a physical relationship. So in face of the impending lawsuits, Lockett went on CNN to clarify and said they were very physical, although he never actually met Kim. WHAT?

“I’ve said before that it was a physical relationship, but I say that meaning there was a physical aspect in the relationship…She did tell me that she was touching herself in a physical way over the phone, towards me. So when I say physical, that’s what I mean.”

They had a physical relationship, but were never in the same room together? Sexting and talking on the phone is not physical. How can In Touch print this shit?

Lockett then goes on to say that he was told by Kim’s friend Laura London that Kim was interested in him and wanted his number. Naturally, his dick made him comply, and Kim called him 10 minutes later. London denies this ever took place, and then said her account is often hacked and this never happened on her end.

Of course if its true, then we’re going to see some text transcripts and phone bills soon. If not, then its another example of In Touch and their disgusting methods to get readers. Not to mention absolutely pathetic on Lockett’s end. A 5 month sexting campaign? Come on, bro.

As a respectable editor of a fake newspaper, I think I’m just gonna start making up news rather than reporting it. Wait, isn’t Fox already doing that?

Admits he never met Kim Kardashian — E Online

Using Lockett's rules, I am having a very physical relationship with Kim as I type this with one hand

Weston Cage Ass Beating

The man who was seen beating the living shit out of Weston Cage was Kevin Villegas, a body guard sent by National Treasure, Nicolas Cage, to track down his 21 year old son who had been missing for a week. Villegas found Cage in the City of Angels, but Weston became argumentative, and threatened to Kick-Ass and rip Villegas head off. Villegas reported the situation to Lord of War, Nic, who told him to call the police. Once Weston heard the cops were coming, he lost his shit and tried to roundhouse kick Villegas, and be Gone in 60 Seconds. Villegas then decided to introduce Cage to the sidewalk, delivered almost 15 punches to Cage’s goth face, and held him down until cops arrived to evaluate Cage.

Villegas says he went a bit drastic because Cage was trained in martial arts and he feared for his life. Dude, you are Military trained and the only fighting experience this kid had was watching Con-Air twelve times.  It might have been a bit excessive to beat his Face/Off, but hopefully you got your $12 back for Bangkok Dangerous.

Man who beat down Weston Cage was sent by Nic to find him — Fox News

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