Synema Synopsis: X Men marks the Nerdy G-Spot

by Justin Smith

Clothes for the discernible mutant, part of the The Winter Collection by Charles Xavier



To start a review of X-Men: First Class off by mentioning anything else besides how hot January Jones is, would be unfair to you Horn-y readers.  Jones played the role of Emma Frost in this latest X-stallment and she certainly nailed it as I left the theatre with blue balls.  Unfortunately, January has not shared her best gifts with the world yet, so in order to see her naked you will have to buy tickets to my dreams (show times are seven days a week from 3 am to 7:46 am).

January waits patiently as a prisoner in the Spank Bank

Where was I? Oh, if you’re an X-Men fan, you will definitely enjoy this movie.  It’s always cool to the see the origins of characters you’ve followed for almost 11 years. (If you’re thinking, Justin it will not be 11 years until July 13, 2011; then you’re a comic geek and will be a virgin forever; if you do ever get married, there’s a 1 out of 1 chance your wife will cheat on you) Fans will also love seeing the new mutants and their new powers. If you’re an X-Men geek, then get your ass to the theater.

If you’re not a comic book nerd and/or you were not a huge fan of the past movies you will be underwhelmed considering all the hype.  There are a couple of cool scenes, but the enjoyment of the movie comes from seeing the origins of the relationship between Professor X and Magneto. If you don’t know what a Magneto is yet, then I’m guessing you might just wait for it on DVD.

"I'm sensing something...Ahh, yes. It's another sequel already in the works"

Now, I want to be clear, First Class is not bad at all; it just let me down after I saw commercial after commercial filled with positive reviews. I was just expecting more.

The plot was good, as the story intertwined with a memorable event in US history, as you probably guessed from the commercials, the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Matthew Vaughn (Kick Ass, Layer Cake) did a pretty good job directing, and some of the acting was really good.  James McAvoy (Wanted, Last King of Scotland) and Michael Fassbender’s (Inglorious Basterds) performances stood out from the rest of the cast. Both actors can carry a movie on their own, so together they were great.

Did I mention January Jones?

"I have a game we can play. It's called '6 degrees of Separation from Kevin Bacon'. By 'degrees', of course, I mean 'inches'"

Unfortunately for my A.D.D. ass, First Class felt a bit slow.  I felt a lot of the action scenes could have been done better.  The special effects were great, but in my opinion the fight scenes could have choreographed better, and not relied so heavily on the special effects.

Though I might get crucified by the X-heads, some of the new mutant powers came off as pretty lame.  Angel’s mutant power is that she has wings.  Big fucking deal, drink some Red Bull.  Banshee is a mutant with a supersonic scream.  Again, big deal, 70 year old Jewish women do that at a Neal Diamond concert.  It also felt as if Vaughn forced the new characters into the mesh, and their interaction often comes off as cheesy.

"How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend I'm somebody else?"

I was definitely bothered by the amount of time spent harping away at the same point with Jennifer Lawrence’s character Mystique, who is blue, but can morph into anyone. Throughout First Class she struggles with mutant insecurity, and asks every character if they thought she was beautiful.  She wasn’t doing this as the hot blonde, but as a blue mutant. Mystique, honey, stop asking; nobody likes a blue creature with scales around its nipples. If she got that the first time we could have trimmed 5 minutes off the movie, and a paragraph off my review.

Mystique patiently waits for Papa Smurf, who swears this is the first time this has ever happened to him.

It’s a shame they pumped this movie with those phony accolades, because I know for a fact I would have enjoyed it more if it wasn’t so hyped.  It’s kind of like when you start dating a girl with beautiful perky breasts and you can’t wait to be introduced to them.  However, once she removes her bra, her breasts shrink down like a penis in cold water.  Damn you Victoria Secret!!! Secret is out Victoria, you’re a manipulative bitch.

And we’re back.  Where do I rank this among the other X-Men movies? To me, the first X-Men is still the best.  Then comes X-Men 2, then in third places is this one, X-Men: First Class, followed by X-men Origins: Wolverine and in the last spot is the third installment X-men: The Last Stand, which I thought was horrible.

Magneto looks terrifying when he starts the Macarena

First Class is good, but not great.  I’m glad I saw it once, but I can go the rest of my life without seeing it again.  Obviously, if January Jones was naked, it would be on repeat on the TV in my office. I’d also install a DVD player in the car, and would activate my home TV’s picture in picture for round-the-clock viewing.

This is life in the J-Smitty cloud, but alas it’s not meant to be.


Total: 2 and ¾ stars


  1. I can’t mess with that! Go head Smitty!

  2. Watch out Richard Roeper, J Smith is coming for ur job. Funny shit