Crap you should read Friday (6/10)

Clinton to World Bank?

Rumors have been floating around that Hillary Clinton is interested in the Head job at the World bank once the current president’s term ends in 2012. The World Bank handles billions of dollars for development in poor countries, and takes the lead on issues like climate change and helping countries rebuild after conflicts.

Clinton would be the first female President of the World Bank, but her team is vehemently denying that she’s been in talks with the White House about running because it would diminish her credibility as our Secretary of State if she appears to be a lame duck waiting for her new job. Of course Clinton has no experience running a “bank”, but as one of the smartest and most capable people in our country, she’ll likely be up for the job. Just like she was when she was a Senator with no direct representative experience of her own, and then a Secretary of State with no foreign policy experience.

It’s unclear what the White House’s stance is, but they’ll likely be excited about having one of their own running the organization. No word yet if the rest of the 187 member countries see her brilliance, or if they just know her as the lady who definitely doesn’t have sex with Bill anymore.

Clinton allegedly wants to head World Bank, but denies rumors — Reuters

"Honey, I'm so proud, I'm ready to make my first deposit. Oh, World Bank? I thought you said SPERM bank."

Facebook Sting Busted

So yesterday the Feds busted a guy who’s wife busted him in a Facebook sting operation. Angela Voelkert set up a fake Facebook profile, posing as a 19 year old girl named Jessica Studebaker to catch her husband David making incriminating statements to use against him in their upcomign custody battle.  Turns out, he was setting his wife up the entire time!  Yesterday I blasted this guy as a moron, but today he’s a champion of male rights in the fight against crazy, manipulative bitches of America!

David immediately saw through the phony Facebook friend invite and knew it was his wife. Also wanting to win the custody battle, David drew up an affidavit on May 25th saying that he would play along with his wife’s ruse to prove she was maliciously insane. So when presented with the affidavit, the Feds had to let him go, and the charged were dropped. There will probably be one pissed off Family Court Judge.

I can just imagine the look on the Feds faces when they were told about the affidavit. The Agent probably stared him down and said “Looks like the sting…..has been stung,”then hurriedly put his sunglasses on and walked out of the room.

Husband caught in Facebook sting knew all along and set up his wife — The Smoking Gun

"You're saying all I needed was an affidavit?"

 

Tennessee Sucks

Tennessee pushed a ridiculously law through this week which bans the posting of images that might cause emotional distress. Sounds like a well-intentioned law, but WTF constitutes emotional distress? People’s tolerances vary, and this law can be used and manipulated to criminalize just about ever single picture posted on the intra-web. Religious zealots would be offended by just about everything, fat women could be offended by scantily clad hot chicks, conservatives would pretend to be offended everything liberal, and we’d never see pictures of Brett Favre’s dong.

The law would punish offenders even if the “offended person” wasn’t the “victim” of the offensive posting, and even if you never intended that person to see the photo. Tennessee claims that any posting to the internet is assumed to reach everyone, so if you reached any one person offensively you are in violation. This pretty much means the Horn would be shut down instantly.

Hey Tennessee, your football program sucks ass, and by the way laws are already enacted to keep “obscene” material off the air. Your stupid law isn’t drawn narrowly enough to not unfairly hinder free speech…it includes everything. It will fail once it hits its first constitutional challenge.

Tennessee is such a backwards state, I wonder if they realize that most people find fucking your sister to be offensive, and this law would keep them from posting their family reunion videos.

Tennessee law bans posting images that might cause emotional distress — Ars Technica

I find this picture to completely indecent and offensive. Somebody's going to jail for this one

Allergy Sniffing Dogs

At a cost between $10k-$20k for training, etc, you can have your very own allergy sniffing dog to keep you safe from peanuts, tree-nuts, spices, and anything else that makes your throat close up or break out in hives. As we’ve all known since we were kids, or at least since we heard about drug dogs at airports, dogs have an extremely sensitive sense of smell, and can trace scents no matter how minute. When one of these allergy dogs smells something that its owner is allergic to, it sits down abruptly, usually between its master and the offensive allergen.

While not a perfect solution, the dogs are helping some lead relatively normal lives, most importantly children. Right now 4 out of every 100 kids has serious allergies, and that number is inexplicably climbing every year. Many obviously are hesitant to accept dogs in their workplace or school, but visually disabled persons are allowed seeing-eye dogs to lead normal lives, and allergic people feel just as debilitated.

Plus chicks love dogs, so maybe some of these bubble-boys can finally get some ass.

Dogs sniff out allergies — MSNBC

Coaches hate when little Bobby brings his Pedophilia-Sniffing Dog to games

 

Super 8

Originally I was hesitant about Super 8 as producers stole the working title from the biopic I’m writing about my penis, but then I heard it was a fantastic collaboration between two of my favorite people in Hollywood: Spielberg and the director who thinks he’s Spielberg, JJ Abrams. This mysterious monster movie comes from the mind of JJ Abrams who has brought the world such treasures as Lost, Alias, and Mission Impossible 3, and by all accounts its a personal tale that will nostalgically resonate with everyone, even if you never saw a monster ravage your town. The movie stars Kyle Chandler (Friday Night Lights) and Ron Eldard (Deep Impact, Sleepers) Elle Fanning (sister of Dakota) and a couple of other kids who’s names you’ll probably know by the end of the summer.

I will definitely be seeing this one this weekend and will have a great Sinema Synopsis for you. Until then, enjoy the trailer.

Super 8 is truly Super — USA TODAY

 

Did you hear a click?

I saw this video on Tosh.0 this week, and its definitely a sharer.  This is one of those times that old people are thought of as “cute” instead of as annoying, cranky or smelly. After all, what can be cuter than an old couple with no grasp of technology? How about an old couple with no grasp of technology unknowingly filming their entire conversation about trying to take a picture on their webcam to celebrate the husbands 82nd birthday.

Priceless stuff, though if it was my grandmother on the camera, there would surely have been a couple F-bombs dropped, so probably not as “cute”.

 

Tebow

This really isn’t news, but dude, how jacked is Tim Tebow in this picture going viral of him at a golf tournament this week? Doesn’t this guy know he can take some time off from the gym because there’s no football this year?

If I didn’t know how much Jesus hates steroids, I’d say that you definitely need to test Timmy ASAP. Many of you are well aware of my I swear! non-sexual man-crush on Tebow, so I fully expect someone here to bail me out of a Tennessee Jail for posting this.

Tebow Golf picture — Yahoo

This golf-ball is definitely shitting its pants right now

 

One Comment

  1. What if the kid is allergic to dogs?

    And I saw a sneak preview of Super 8 last night (Thursday). It was good, but not great. Don’t go in expecting something awesome and you’ll enjoy yourself. Otherwise, you’ll be disappointed.