Crap you should read Thursday (6/9)


Al Qaeda misses Osama:

Bin Laden’s former Number 2, Ayman Al Zawahiri, took time out from running from American forces to release a sweet eulogy to his former boss. It contained 5 poems to Osama, as well as your standard al Qaeda praise that he was a “”source of horror and a nightmare chasing America, Israel and their allies.” In another romantic line of praise, A-Zaw told the militant websites playing his message that their former leader “terrified America when he was alive and is terrifying it even when he is dead, to the extent that they denied him a tomb.” Dude, it wasn’t fear that denied him a tomb, it was a big case of “Go to Hell, Fuckface!”

Of course some of the seriousness of Al-Zawahiri’s message was lost in the tears, and the beautiful Arabic rendition of “Wind Beneath My Wings”, but the video does show that Al-Zawahiri is the only al Qaeda chief well-known enough to take it to the airwaves for his people. This is a sure sign that #2 is stepping to the forefront and winning the chair of the terrorist group vacated after Bin Laden put his head in the way of a bullet.

But the main question that arises from this video playing on al Qaeda websites is “These people have websites?” Is there an Arab Eaton Doolittle that comments on the al Qaeda main page “Great Satan! Don’t you believe in Capitalism?”

Al Zawahiri gives Bin Laden eulogy, says he terrified America and still does — USA Today

"Did I ever tell you, you're my're everything, everything I wish I could be...."


Baldwin for Mayor 2013

Now that Weiner’s weiner is all around town, it seems that the New York City Mayorial race is wide open. So in steps Alec Baldwin. An outspoken Liberal, Baldwin has never been shy about wanting to run for office. “Wanting to run for office” is pretty much the only qualification that Baldwin possesses for office, other than the fact that he used to bang Kim Basinger.

I love Jack Donaghy, but shouldn’t someone have some Executive experience before they step into one of the most powerful and demanding jobs in the country? I’m jussss sayin.

Alec Baldwin for NYC Mayor in 2013? — The Daily


Baldwin addressing the NYC Door-man Union

Ohio State Schmuck-eyes

Ohio State University’s problems just got worse. A former “friend” of Buckeye QB Terrelle Pryor told ESPN that his boy was making a shitload of cash from the autograph circuit while still on the team. Pryor was allegedly paid between $500 and $1,000 for signing mini-helmets and other memorobilia for a guy named Dennis Talbott, and the “friend” says this happened 35-40 times. This is a big NCAA no-no.

Pryor has been in a lot of hot water recently. Last year he was suspended for 5 games for selling memorabilia, and recently his use of automobiles while in Columbus was one of the factors that led to the dismissal of Coach Jim Tressell.

So now the NCAA will surely investigate and OSU will surely be penalized. This is especially awesome when you consider that Tressell and Pryor (leaving for $ in The League) will no longer be at the school. I hate the Buckeyes (sorry Bundy) but why does the NCAA continue to only penalize schools when the actual wrong-doers get nothing but a symbolic slap on the wrist?

The only good news to come from this is that Ohio State will still suck, but Michigan probably still won’t beat them.

Friend says OSU’s Terrelle Pryor took thousands of dollars on autograph circuit — USA Today

Sorry, Coach Tressell. The NCAA doesn't recognize Spanking as a legitimate form of punishment anymore


Slumdog Pachyderms

Two wild elephants went on a rampage through Mysore, India, destroying property and killing one man. The Elephants found their way into the city from the wild, something that occurs more often as their natural habitat continues to dwindle and be overtaken by ours.

One of the Elephants cornered a security guard and then gored him to death, but to be fair, he smelled like peanuts. The elephants were eventually tranquilized, and then roped to a line of domesticated elephants and marched out of town.

Elephants go on rampage in New Dehli, man killed — Huffington Post

Kirstie Alley crushes Maksim during the Bollywood Two-Step


Urban Day Shooting

One person was killed, and 7 were injured during Miami’s Urban Day madness over Memorial Day Weekend. The dead man was shot by police after he allegedly hit a cop with his car and drove off. Police shot over 100 rounds into the automobile killing the driver, and possibly shooting another man (the man was shot, but ballistics will show whether the bullet came from a cop or someone else). Cops said they took the drastic action because the man had a gun, but they were unable to “find” and produce the gun until a day or so later. We all know this means they couldn’t find shit, and dropped a gun on the back floorboards a day later.

Of course Miami-Dade police deny they did anything wrong when they unloaded into the car like they were Bill Duke chasing Predator into the jungle with his mini-gun, but a lucky bystander, Narces Benoit, caught the entire thing on his cell phone. When cops noticed Benoit was filming the Michael Bay-like scene, he was chased down and held at gunpoint, until cops took the phone and tried to smash it. Little did they know that Benoit was hiding the memory card in his mouth for hours, even as the police interviewed him. Once they realized how Jackass-y they looked, Police tried to backtrack saying Benoit matched the description of someone they were told had a gun. Basically, this means he is black.

Check the video below to see how ridiculous this thing was, and be amazed that no one else was hit by these over-reacting cops.

Miami-Dade Police deny wrongdoing in cell-phone video issue of Urban day shooting — Herald


Dumbass of the Week_

Indiana man, David Volkert was arrested after a sting operation conducted by his wife on Facebook. Angela Volkert set up a fake Facebook profile posing as a 19 year old girl named Jessica Studebaker in hopes of weaseling information out of her husband regarding their custody battle. She must have known her Ex pretty well, because as Studebaker, she was able to get this moron to pour his guts out, as well as his plan to take their kids, flee the state, and even kill his wife. Needless to say, the FBI loves this kind of information.

The worst part is, David is a relatively bright guy, who owns his own Security Firm. Yet the dude still laid his plans out to a 19 year old stranger on Facialbook and even warned the fake girl to erase the messages because they could be used as proof against him. The thing is, he did it all because of the picture of the young hussy below. I mean she’s cute and all, but she doesn’t strike me as the “let’s friend an old guy and be his criminal accomplice” type.

When asked if he ever tried to Twitter the Jessica a picture of his junk, Volkert responded, “What am I, stupid?”

FBI busts Husband through Facebook sting set up by ex-wife — The Smoking Gun

If she "friended" me, I'd be updating the Horn from prison.

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