Synema Synopsis: Not as well Hung

Hangover 2: Not as well Hung

by Justin Smith

The guys phone it in for this Hangover

** ¼


The lights dimmed, the theater went quiet, and anticipation –as well as something pungent coming from the person sitting next to me— was palpable. It felt like the first day of high school; were you going to sit next to the hot girl in class or will you be resigned to yet another year next to the fat chick and the nerd who doesn’t shut the hell up?

As the opening high-angle shot took us for a ride over the Gulf of Thailand, the hope we had since we saw that first trailer was still in the air: hope that the sequel would be as funny and unique as the first, and hope that we’d see Heather Graham’s boobs again (even if a baby was attached to them). 100 minutes later we had our answer:  No on all counts.

"Don't frighten him. We need an African cast member."

The good news is, that like my pregnant wife next to me, Hangover 2 does not suck.  It is not unfunny, tedious nor devoid of jaw dropping moments.  However, there’s absolutely nothing unique about it.  The first movie was inventive, clever and unique.  The second installment followed the outline of the first as if it were color by numbers.  I could sit and write an entire paragraph on the similarities, but that would expose some of the hijinks and rob you of your few genuine laughs.

Just know that if the Hangover is a hot supermodel, Hangover 2 is like sex with her fat twin with a thyroid problem.  It’s fun, but you won’t really talk about it with your friends afterwards.

If you do go see it, go in with a different set of standards, and you’ll enjoy it.

What’s to enjoy? Zack Galifianakis is hysterical.  Director, Todd Phillips, must have realized Alan (Galifianakis’s character) was the shining star of the first Hangover, so he made him the focal point of a lot of the comedy.  Some of it is forced, but most of the time it makes for good laughs.

"Just give him a minute Ed, he'll think of something funny."

There were also some pretty funny situations in this movie. Once I got over the feeling of déjà vu and accepted Hangover 2 won’t reach the hilarity of the first movie, I was able to enjoy the humor in what they were going through.  Ed Helms’s character, Stu, rose to the challenge of being the heart and soul of the movie for the first 80 minutes, but unfortunately that plane went into the Bermuda triangle during the last 20 minutes of the movie.

The best part of this movie? It was based in Thailand.  Those of you that suffer from yellow fever like I do, (not the viral infection transmitted by mosquitoes, but a white man’s love of Asian women) will surely appreciate it.  Obviously, I felt that Jamie Chung, as Stu’s wife-to-be, was a welcome addition to the cast, although, I can’t help but wonder if it was racist to cast a Korean girl to play the role of a Thai girl? Or are we just so racist as a country that they thought we couldn’t tell the difference? I only noticed due to my keen eye of an admirer, after all, I get aroused when a girl squints in my direction.  I couldn’t help but think that Thai people who saw this movie would be as offended as any Cuban who watches Scarface.

If her only line isn't "You been here before?" then its just unrealistic

What was bad about the movie?  Like I mentioned, it was a spitting image of the first movie, just not as good.  This time around all he did was switch Vegas to Thailand, switch baby Carlos to a monkey in cute clothes, and made Stu’s missing tooth into a facial tattoo. I just hope Phillips doesn’t do this to us when he forces Hangover 3 upon us, which is inevitable after this one grossed almost $150million since it opened last week. Hangover 3 will probably take place in Dubai, have a masturbating camel, and Stu will wake up with a Prince Albert piercing.

For the record, I hated Ken Jeong this time around.  The fact he was even in this movie bothered me, and is a perfect example of how unoriginal this sequel is.  His character was annoying every single moment on screen, and was never funny. Even worse, there were times when he lost his Asian accent.  It was like watching Kevin Costner in Thirteen Days.  I also hated the fact that they made Jeong’s small penis an actual character of the movie.  Look, I appreciate the fact it makes me look like an elephant to my wife, but it throws unnecessary fuel on the fire of the stereotype that all Asian men have small penises.  Jeong’s penis isn’t just small, it’s barely a penis. Where does he get the balls to show his penis off the world? How can he do this to his wife?

After all these years of pretending to be satisfied, Mrs. Jeong has perfected the fake smile

This movie would have automatically been better without Jeong. Even though his character was a driving force to the story, they could have taken 10 minutes out of their day to figure out how to replace him in the story, and the movie would be 10x better without him.

(Warning, if there are any transvestites reading this review, stop now)

Why were there naked Transvestites in this movie? I am a very accepting person.  I like whites, old whites and young whites, but transvestites freak me out.  The combination of boobs and dick is more than my brain is able to process.  My need to always stare at boobs combined with my instinctual impulse to look away when a penis is on screen, created a perfect oxymoronic storm inside me that was too much to handle.  If you must know, I penalized the film a quarter of a star, because boobs don’t count if the person also has a penis, so Hangover 2 fell way short of my mandatory 4:1 dick-to-tit ratio.

"I thought she said it was a strap-on!"

Even with all that, if you loved the guys from the first movie; if you like stupid, over the top comedy; if you’re okay with unrealistic outcomes to ridiculous situations (like a wife to be being okay and completely impartial to you showing up with a tattoo on your face to the wedding; Asian women are submissive, but come on!) and if you’re okay with seeing more dick than vagina, then you’ll love Hangover 2.

Who won’t like this movie? People who expect this movie to be as funny or funnier than the first; people who can’t stand the fact this movie follows the exact outline of the first; people who hate unrealistic reactions to ridiculous situations and of course people who don’t like chicks with dicks.

"A 3rd one huh? Yeah Todd, we're all stoked for it!"