The King’s Speech on The Heat in the Finals

by Jeff The King Horowitz, NBA Wunderkind

I know I'm psyched, but American Airlines has a possible 7 game branding orgy on their hands

Here we are today – May 31, 2011 and the Miami Heat are in the NBA Finals playing for their 2nd Championship in 6 years. After Bull-dozing (pardon the pun) through the NBA’s Eastern Conference, and disposing of all their opponents in no more than 5 games, the HEAT are back in the Finals. Coincidentally, its a bizarre rematch of the 2006 Finals, with the HEAT again squaring up against the Dallas Mavericks. Who can forget how badly the Miami Heat embarrassed the Mavs who were on their way to a 3-0 lead before the referees helped Dwyane Wade became a superstar before the country’s eyes? The Heat came back from down 13 with a little over 6 minutes left to win that game, then stole 3 more games, as well as the Larry O’Brien Trophy. Sure only two players on the Heat (Wade and Haslem) and two players on Dallas (Nowitzski and Terry) remain from the epic series of 2006, but the rivalry is more intense now than ever.

Not counting the 4 amazing victories against Dallas in the 2006 Finals, the Heat are 0-16 against the Mavericks since Wade’s rookie year of  2003. Dallas beat the Heat 10 straight times since the last Finals, including a 2-0 regular season sweep this year. The Heat are obviously a much better team today than back in December, but before we dive too much into HEAT-MAVS, let’s take a minute to check see the Heat’s path to the 2011 NBA Finals.


The Miami and Chicago submissions for "Ugliest in Show"

Game 5, Eastern Conference Finals : Heat at Bulls – Did you see it ??! In what was by far the most exhilarating 3 minutes of basketball I’ve ever witnessed, and the most depressing 3 minutes for Chicago Bulls fans and Heat haters everywhere, the Miami Heat edged the Chicago Bulls 83-80. Bad week for Chicago, first they lose Oprah, now this. The Heat initially looked hopeless, trailing Chicago 77-65 IN CHICAGO, with only 3 minutes left in Game 5. Then IT happened. By “IT”, I’ll just have to describe to you, because even Heat players aren’t quite sure how they pulled it off. For the record, with 3:14 left in the game, and the Heat down 12 – I was screaming at the television for Coach Spo to call a timeout and remove the starters to rest and regroup for Game 6 in 48 hours. How wrong I was. Here’s how it went with the Bulls up 77-65 :

Wade drains an 8 foot jumper: Bulls 77 Heat 67 .

Steal by Wade, layup: Bulls 77 Heat 69.

Another Bulls miss (Bosh rebound)

LeBron nails a 25-foot three pointer: Bulls 77 Heat 72. FIVE POINT GAME!! WHAT!

Derrick Rose makes a sweet fade-away: Bulls 79 Heat 72.

Wade makes a 27-foot three pointer, AND IS FOULED by Rose: 4 POINT PLAY – Bulls 79 Heat 76 !

Another miss by Mr. MVP – D. Rose .

LeBron nails ANOTHER 3-pointer: GAME TIED 79-79!!  :59 seconds left.

Coach of the Year, Tom Thibodeau shits his pants, calls another timeout.

Derrick Rose chokes again: bad pass – LeBron steals the ball.

LeBron makes a 21-foot jumper : HEAT 81 BULLS 79

Derrick Rose gets fouled, misses his 2nd free throw (CHOKE JOB): HEAT 81 Bulls 80 – Powerade and Adidas stocks just took a tumble.

Bosh gets fouled, calmly nails 2-2 free throws: Heat 83 Bulls 80.

Derrick Rose – 26 foot three point attempt to tie : BLOCKED BY LEBRON!


The Chicago Bulls had a record of 53-0 when leading by double-digits going into the 4th Quarter. 53-1 now, bitches!!

Fact Check: Boozer also lost to Jo-El in the All Valley Under 18 Karate Tournament


Can This Really Work? Back in November, Miami struggled to a 9-8 start, and nobody thought this team was going anywhere. Just a few months ago, in March, LeBron James transformed into a character named ‘LeBrick’, missing game-winning shot attempts night after night. Chris Bosh would cry at his locker stall after losses at least twice a week! Coach Spo looked exponentially more like a Filipino chipmunk than a head coach. NBA “experts” said the Miami Heat were just not that good of a team, and would be lucky to get out of the 1st Round.

The Miami Heat went 0-3 against Chicago and lost 3 of 4 to Boston in the regular season. Head-coach Erik Spoelstra used the word “TRUST” to answer every question. Dwyane Wade and LeBron James were apparently unable to “compliment” each other on the court, leading to headlines such as “Failed Chemistry Experiment in Miami” or “Miami Beat”. Suddenly Chris Bosh was a “bad signing” at Power Forward, and Heat fans everywhere clamored for the overrated likes of Amare Stoudemire or Carlos Boozer. Mike Bibby dribbled around as the Heat’s starting point guard, but looked more like an un-athletic white guy from the JCC. Bibby is still un-athletic, and paler than ever – but regarding everything else: EVERYONE WAS WRONG. Including me.


Everybody's doin' "The Bosh"

Truth be told, the 2011 Miami Heat were not built to go to the NBA Finals this season, as it was assumed many pieces were still needed to compliment The Big 3. This project called for a 2-5 year plan, and Year One of the LeBron-Wade-Bosh Era was supposed to be the worst; a “building year”, if you will. Besides using a few salary-cap loopholes to sign Mike Miller, Udonis Haslem, and Joel Anthony; the Miami Heat were stocked with NBA re-treads, veteran journeymen playing for the league minimum, just hoping for a chance at a ring. Basically the Heat “maxed-out” for this season, and experts were saying that 3 All-Stars alone cannot beat great “teams”. The Miami Heat were 1-6 against the Bulls and Celtics from October-April.

In the Playoffs, when it mattered most : 8-2 against those teams.

Dallas Mavericks: The Dallas Mavericks are the toughest team the Miami Heat will face this postseason, mostly because they have such a deep squad. Besides Terry and the Big Bratwurst, the Mavs feature 38 year old professional philanderer, Jason Kidd at point guard; ex-Heat forward and former ‘Matrix’, Shawn Marion; Tyson Chandler at center; All-NBA Thug Second Teamer DeShawn Stevenson; and local Miami Christian High School product J.J. Barea off the bench. It’s said that J.J. Barea is the best thing to happen to Southwest Dade County since O.J. Simpson moved out of his Kendall home, and into a Nevada State Prison.

Still believing he was cheated out of the 2006 title, and losing out on the LeBron Sweepstakes, Mark Cuban hates the Miami Heat more than ever. Mavericks shooting guard Jason Terry is still bitter after blowing it 5 years ago, saying he will get his NBA Trophy tattoo removed from this forearm if he doesn’t beat the Heat this time around. Dirk Nowitzski is actually happy to be back in Miami. He said he’s looking forward to eating bagels and lox for breakfast at a “Jew Deli”, and while down here, Dirk says he will actually take a shower “because it’s trendy on South Beach.”

"Yo bro, yo bro, put your arms down."

THE HEAT’s BIG 5: The Miami Heat found tremendous success using their new “BIG 5” lineup, and outscoring opponents at a ridiculous rate. Using no center, and no point guard down the stretch, Miami has closed out games with LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Mike Miller, and Udonis Haslem. This was the lineup on the floor that lead an unbelievable 18-3 run over the Bulls during the game’s final 3 minutes. Chris Bosh is playing the best basketball of his life with 23.5 points per game on 60% shooting in the Conference Finals.

King James has proved to The King Horowitz that he CAN hit the biggest shots in the biggest games. His playoff dominance has solidified his role as the basketball player on Planet Earth. While LeBron took his talents to South Beach, so did his mother, Gloria James. LeBron’s talents revolve around popping shots, his mother’s happens to be popping bottles. No word on how many Memorial Day Weekend Urban Hip-Hop parties Gloria attended on South Beach, but Las Vegas had the Over/Under at 12.


D Wade is as solid as ever, although rumors have him favoring his surgically-repaired left shoulder as of late. Wade averaged over 30/PPG during the Celtics series, but dropped down significantly to 18/PPG against the Bulls. His impact was still felt every game with late-game stifling defense, and cool shoes. I firmly believe the 4 days of rest, and multiple visits to Club LIV’s Tequila Garden will help him tremendously. If Wade can be the offensive player he was during the first two rounds, the Heat will be extremely hard to contain.

Somehow under all the turmoil in his life, Edward Scissorhands Mike Miller finally regained his 3-point stroke. He also runs the point in my favorite Big 5 set, and don’t forget he’s a 6’8 white dude who’s an absolute monster on the boards. Udonis and Joel Anthony provide outstanding defense and rebounding, while Mario Chalmers blesses us with some really nice (and really ugly) moments off the bench.

"Please love me"

The Great Pat Riley had a vision. He gutted his entire roster in hopes of attracting a trio of All-Stars. LeBron, Bosh, and Wade saw Riley’s vision of teaming up together to build a dynasty. The Big 3 came to Miami to win multiple championships. When asked back in July if he came to win a championship, Lebron didn’t hold back.

“Not one, not two, not three, not four,” James said. He wasn’t finished.

“Not five, not six, not seven……and I really believe that.”

There it is — MIAMI. DALLAS.

It all starts right now, tonight.

2006 2011 NBA FINALS. LET’S. DO. THIS !


Come on now, lets all act like we've been there before...and will be again


  1. The Bulls/Heat series was a lot closer than it seemed. 3 out of 4 loses by Bulls could of went either way and wasnt decided until the last few mins when Heat pulled away. Not even one of those games were “dominated” by the Heat.

    Game 5 was complete meltdown by the Bulls. Not taking away anything from the Heat but dont confuse a lot of luck and horrible play by Bulls offense with “BULLdozing” Bulls were nervous and unexperienced and it showed. Lebron won that series for the Heat. The fact that we blew Miami out by 21 pts in game 1 which no team has done yet just shows that the Bulls have a team that can compete, AND whoop the Heats ass as long as we can make wide open shots which apparently we can’t do when the pressure is up. We left a world record of wide open points on the court. See you next year. Go Dallas.

    • Of course, you are ignoring the fact that the Heat defense destroyed the Bulls and rendered them offensively incompetent for 4 straight games, and embarrassed them in every 4th quarter.

      Of course, any team can beat the Heat on a night, especially when they miss shots. But beating them 4 games in a series won’t happen while this team is together.

      Enjoy it Haters.

  2. Not sure how you can consider that the Heat defense destroyed the Bulls 4 games in a row when you just admitted we missed so many wide open shots that an accountant wouldnt be able to keep up with. Korver never misses, the guy is allergic to the playoffs, thats not defense its called choking/luck/no playoff experience…Ive also watched the entire Heat playoff series twice…Both teams played amazing D, the difference was clearly the missed wide open shots from Chicago and any moron could see many missed wide open opportunities that my DVR vomited out Lebron’s Mom’s 27th abortion.

    So be it, enjoy claiming your dynasty before you’ve even won one, and enjoy your false sense of confidence…hopefully Dallas will get it together and give you the ass beating you deserve and you guys can have a circle jerk cry session again 🙂

    Haters wanna hate, lovers wanna love…Fuck Da Heat…Go Dallas.