Crap you should read Thursday (5/26)

NASA’s SPIRIT dies:

The Mars rover, Spirit, was originally only supposed to roam for 3 months and cover a few hundred yards of Martian landscape. Instead this little robot survived more than 6 years and roamed more than 5 miles collecting information before NASA had to finally pull the plug this week.

This little guy has been through so much shit over the years. Spirit has braved storms, Martian winters etc, and it wasn’t until it was dragging a broken wheel that it uncovered its biggest find: evidence that Mars used to have water. Unfortunately, over the years Spirit has been collecting increasing amounts of sand and dust on its solar panels, which has decreased its power supply. Last year Spirit got itself caught in a ditch, where it still sits. Unable to move, its dusty solar panels haven’t been able to reach the sunny spots, so power has been drained to the point where NASA has been unable to get a response from its tiny rover since March 2010. They finally decided to pull the plug and instead put all eyes on Spirit‘s brother rover, Opportunity, which is still alive and kicking on the Red Planet.

There’s been a lot of news coming from NASA recently as the agency tries to stay relevant in the wake of the shuttle program ending and all of Obama’s cuts to their program. Many worry that Obamais actually killing the Kennedy’s idealistic dream of space exploration, so this week its been all talk of other Martian rovers, manned ships, and exploration. If I were them I’d just re-run old videos of Spacecamp and Deep Impact.

NASA has to kill SPIRIT rover on Mars — LA Times

"Johnny 5...is....a......."

 

Mavs win West:

Last night the Dallas Mavericks beat the OKC Thunder 100-96 to win the Western Conference and advance to the NBA Finals. This series was a lot closer than the 4-1 talley would suggest, and Durant and the Thunder kept this close until the final seconds of every game. OKC held huge leads in the 4th quarters of Games 4 and 5, but ultimately Dirk was unstoppable and carried his team through the clinching games.

Dallas is back in the Finals for the first time since 2006 when they lost to the Miami Heat. Can Dirk avenge his 2006 choke job when he had the Mavs up 2-0 and leading by 13 with 6 minutes left in game 3, only to lose 4 straight to Wade and his Heat? If the Heat win the East, can Cuban’s Mavs finally get the upper hand in the NBA’s lamest newest rivalry?

Mavs beat Thunder to advance to Finals — ESPN

Would Stern fine Dirk if he broke the backboard and scream "Kristallnacht!!!!"?

 

Hines Ward Wins DWTS

Hines Ward beat Kirstie Alley and was crowned the new Dancing with the Stars champion. Now, out of the 12 Dancing with the Stars seasons, 6 champions (and 4 runner-ups) have been sports figures. Ward is the 2nd NFL player to win (Emmitt was first) and 3 NFL players have come in runner-up.

Sure Hines is going to be ribbed by his teammates for winning DWTS, but can you imagine how bad the teasing would have been if he lost to Kirstie Alley? How can these results even be a shocker? Hines is one of the best NCAA and NFL players ever, and is graceful on his tiny feet; Alley’s “dancing” is little more than fast walking while holding her head high, and getting applause because she didn’t fall or crush her partner.

Hines Ward wins Dancing with the Stars — AP

Hines was explicitly told: Ok to Party like a Rockstar, not ok to party like a Roethlisberger

 

Mcreeney wins Idol

Be prepared to forget this name America: Scotty McCreery, the 17 year old who was crowned winner last night on American Idol. McCreery gained national attention with his country twang and way-too-deep-and-mature baritone voice. To be honest, hearing this voice come out of this unsuspecting kid was always a bit disconcerting. It’s almost robotic, like a country-cyborg, or a Oklahoma version of Mr. Gameshow. But when you watch him sing his final song, you can’t help but feel ridiculously happy for this apparently genuine kid.

The results here were just as anti-climatic as Dancing with the Stars, because everyone knows that Idol voters are all young girls, and they only vote for dudes, as evidenced now by the same mold of dude winning 4 straight years. While this year was a big change in format for the show, it still ruled the ratings with its 3 new judges. It’s just a shame they lose the bona-fide stars early on (Pia Toscano, James Durbin) and the rest of the country is forced to root for whoever middle-America teens vote for.

McCreery’s finale competition, Lauren Alaina, showered Scotty with kisses as the confetti fell, either because she’s in love with his tweener ass, or because she’s relieved not to be the latest failure of an Idol champion.

17 year old wins American Idol — MSNBC

You can't really be a "winner" if you're the same height as Seacrest

 

Man full of Gas

A New Zealand trucker fell onto the business end of a compressed-air pump, and turned himself into a human balloon. When Steven McCormick fell, the nozzle pierced his butt-cheek and filled him with 100ppi of compressed air, to the point where he felt like his foot was about to pop. Unable to move with the hose in his ass, he had to just sit there as his body filled up w air, feeling like a “pork roast” as his skin crackled. Co-workers were able to release the safety valve and rush him to the hospital with intense swelling, but fortunately the air didn’t get into his bloodstream, which would have killed him.

Needless to say, McCormick’s version of Viagra is not likely to be sanctioned by New Zealand any time soon.

Man falls on air pump, turns into human balloon — yahoo

"One in a million shot, Doc. One in a million."

 

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One Comment

  1. So we’re now polluting Mars? Awesome.