The King’s Speech on Heat/Bulls after 3


by Jeff Horowitz, NBA Wunderkind

"You said your name is Chris? Nice to meet you, welcome to the team."

WELCOME TO THE BIG 3, MR. BOSH: Charles Barkley, Kenny Smith, and Chris Webber dubbed the Miami Heat ‘2 1/2 Men’. Bulls forward Carlos Boozer and his freshly waxed chest referred to them as “The Big 2”. Shoot, even I used the quip “2 Men and a Little Lady” on The Horn a couple weeks ago. Well, those days are officially over. I hope. Chris Bosh scored 34 points on 13-of-18 shooting, and carried the Miami Heat to a 96-85 victory over the Chicago Bulls. The Miami Heat are now 7-0 at home in the playoffs, and lead the best-of-7 series against Chicago at 2 games to 1, with Game 4 in Miami on Tuesday.

After Sunday’s victory,  D Wade showered, put on a white 3-piece suit, complete with top-hat and handkerchief, drove 0.2 miles to his penthouse across the street, ordered a pizza, and watched ‘Avatar’ with former Heat guard Dorell Wright. After the movie, Dorell went on Wade’s X-Box, traded himself back to the HEAT on NBA Live ’11, and played video games until 5am. I get it I get it – obviously Wade and LeBron love playing dress-up after the games. I would just love to know where they go after a game dressed like that. Does LeBron own horses? Was he flying to the Preakness after the game?

Anyway, back to my new favorite player: Chris Bosh, who now has two 30point games in the Eastern Conference Finals, a feat he only accomplished three times during the regular season. Well Mr. Bosh…I, along with the rest of Miami would officially like to welcome you to THE BIG 3. Littlefoot now looks more like the hungry dred-locked Veloci-Raptor that terrified us in Toronto. Now the adorable Chris Bosh dinosaur face is absent, and instead when he throws down ferocious dunks, he lets loose in a series of mean scowls before remembering to run back on defense. By the way, I just ordered a Chris Bosh # 1 adidas jumpsuit on, and I hope they have at least a 30 day return policy. I’m still not completely sold on the guy, but I’m really starting to love what I see from him during these playoffs.

"I'm not getting traded!!!!!!!"

New nickname ideas for Bosh: ‘Dark Nowitzski’ or “Karol ‘The Mailwoman’ Malone”. I’ll let my readers decide.

The Udonis Effect: Entering Sunday’s Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Finals, the Chicago Bulls had yet to lose back-to-back games in over 4 months. Until Wednesday night’s Game 2 loss at the United Center, the Bulls practically owned the Heat, going 3-0 against Miami in the (meaningless) regular season, and winning in blowout fashion in Game 1. Enter Udonis Haslem, and let’s just now call them THE BIG 4; I truly believe UD is vital to the Heat’s success. Haslem, or “U.D.” as Heat and Gator fans call him, is the Miami Heat’s updated version of Alonzo Mourning. He doesn’t put the 20 points, 10 rebounds, and 3 blocks that ‘Zo did in the late 1990’s (or the 2006 NBA Finals)… but he is the enforcer, a blue collar player that will break his body for the good of the team. He is the heart and soul of the team, which is why Wade, LeBron, and Bosh left millions of dollars on the table so Riles could re-sign Haslem.

Unfortunately Haslem broke his Lisfranc ligament in November, and was pronounced out for the season. Knowing what a hard, and dedicated worker Haslem is, optimistic Heat fans hoped for an early return, but instead U.D. wasn’t available until the 2nd round, and got in for 3 minutes of garbage-time during the series clinching final moments of the Game 5 vs the Celtics. In the meantime though, he practiced everyday with the team, and his thirst to shed his three-button Austin Burke suits and lace ‘em up was evident come Game 2. If you saw the game, you know what I’m talking about….Udonis went nuts. 13 points, 5 boards, and a thunderous, one-handed dunk over Derrick Rose, was U.D.’s way of re-acclimating himself to his role as “Mr. Miami”.

"Hey Lisfranc....GFY!"

The Miami Heat’s so-called “weak” bench was instantly solidified, not only by Haslem, but his former Florida Gator teammate (and Hall 95 rooommate) Mike Miller. Sure Miller can’t shoot a lick anymore since both his hands resemble James Caan’s feet from ‘Misery’ after Kathy Bates’ had at them with a sledge hammer. However, Miller’s rebounding, play-making ability, and stifling defense are exactly what the Heat need from their second unit. Critics and scouts (named Jeff Horowitz) have called Mike Miller the worst free-agent signing of the 2010 Summer bonanza (a  5-year/ $31 million dollar contract seems excessive for a guy that is averaging 0.7 points per game on 10% shooting in this postseason) but he does lead the NBA in cool faux-hawks, and has the largest porn collection on the team. You just have to remember — Mike Miller was a guy who averaged 19 points per game and shot 41% from 3-point range on the Grizzlies just four seasons ago. All he has to do is stop masturbating with his injured hand, and learn to do it with his left. It’s a classic technique known as ‘The Stranger’….. try it Mike, you may never go back to the old way!

The Great Pat Riley: For the record, if the Miami Heat win the Eastern Conference Finals, I want the NBA to rescind Bulls GM, Gar Heard’s bogus Co-Executive of  the Year trophy. How did they make Riley share the award with this guy? The Executive of the Year award recognizes the individual who pulled off the most brilliant roster moves and excelled in the art of player management. Hmmm… let’s see: Pat Riley convinces LeBron James (and Maverick Carter) to take LESS money than all other suitors were offering, pairing him with fellow super-star D. Wade, and keeping enough cap room to snap All-Star Chris Bosh. Way to go, Mr. Riley…. you’re the only person on the planet that could pull something like that off. I think comedian Chris Rock said it best a year ago when he told the Cleveland Cavs to trade LeBron while they could still get an all-star in return, “If Pat Riley gets LeBron James in a room for an hour, it’s all over!” You think Chris Rock has any idea who Gar Heard is?

"Erik, when in doubt, just shut up and listen to The Winner Within...Me"

What exactly did the Bulls GM even do? Oh yea, that’s right — he failed to get LeBron, or Chicago-native Dwyane Wade; and was forced to sign his fourth choice in Carlos Boozer, then signed Kyle Korver, Ronnie Brewer, and C.J. Watson. Way to go – Garfield! You definitely deserve to share an award with the guy who was able to hypnotize LeBron James to leave Cleveland, Manhattan, LA, and Chicago in the dust, and fly home with Riley on a G6 straight to Miami Beach. One last thing Gar, you lucked into the #1 lottery pick in 2008 and drafted a guy named Derrick Rose; that does NOT make you a great executive.

I’m still spiteful that D. Rose doesn’t play for the Heat. Miami had a 15-67 record, and the Bulls had a 1.7 % chance to land the # 1 pick. Of course I’m convinced Stern set the deck in favor of Chicago so they could get one of their own in Rose who survived the challenges growing up on Chicago’s south side. Of course D-Wade did too, and these two backcourt superstars are probably the only happy endings to arise from Chi-town’s blighted projects, outside of the Happy Endings that go down at Vivan’s Southside Massage Parlour. Still I have to get over my “Stern Cheated” hatred, because if the Heat were able to draft Derrick Rose, LeBron probably would have chosen the Knicks last summer. Yeah, even I’m pretty happy about the way things turned out.

What to look for rest of the way: Derrick Rose is only averaging 23 PPG, at a 39% clip in this series, and he’s only 4 of 13 from 3-point range. Sure this is in large part to Miami’s stifling defense, but for the Bulls to win, D-Rose has to drop 40 a game. Unfortunately, he’s not playing the Pacers or the Hawks this round. Wade is clearly the better player of the two guards at this stage of their careers, and Gar simply didn’t put the talent around Derrick Rose to win outright. The only thing Joakim Noah is good at these days is yelling out homophobic slurs to fans in Miami’s premium seats. Carlos Boozer played 2 decent games in the past 5 months, and was a much more dominant power forward when he had chest hair on the Jazz.  Luol Deng only plays well at home, and Kyle Korver is, at best, a rich-man’s Jason  Kapono.

Rose will have a hard time getting around the Heat down 2-1

This series is nowhere near over yet, but if Miami’s Big 4 keeps it up, they’ll be booking their tickets to the Midwest real soon.


One Comment

  1. See, I always knew the “Stranger” as rubbing one out after sitting on your hand for 5 minutes, which numbs it. Since you can’t feel yourself with your hand, close your eyes and it could be anyone. No matter how you slice it, your left hand is still YOUR left hand. But the “stranger”.. now that could be Anne Hathaway tugging you to a lonely bathroom blast in her new catwoman suit. And what’s this? Is that Pippa Middleton reaching behind to give you a royal wank while still wearing that form-fitting wedding dress? “It’s ok guvnah, it’s OFF-WOIT, your jooblie-squirt’ll blend roit in, it will!” Or I don’t know… maybe it’s … i don’t know… maybe it’s Anne Heche and Joan Chen working together again?

    Anyway, the POINT is it’s fun to masturbate.