Synema Synopsis: The Fast and the Bi-Curious

The Fast and the Bi-Curious

by Justin Smith

Paul Walker is thrilled with his recent platform shoe purchase

**1/2

The Fast and the Furious franchise kicked off 10 years ago, and its mix of action, sexy chicks and a decent story line led to a $200 million worldwide gross. Since then, the franchise has brought in major box-office dough, but the quality has been subpar. The last 3 movies ditched interesting character storylines, and instead focused on tricked-out cars and insane, unrealistic driving.  Finally it seems that Universal got the hint that if they wanted their movies to expand past the Asian Boy demographic, they needed to add a couple more stars, a couple hot chicks, and lots of bullets. So even though the last three movies sucked, I risked my $8.75 ; after all, who doesn’t want to see the Rock and Vin Diesel go at it?

Honestly, I’m embarrassed to report that I was pleasantly surprised by Fast Five. It didn’t suck ass, and my eyes found it quite orgasmic enjoyable.

The cast of this movie was quite impressive; not their acting chops, but damn they are friggen’ good looking. I questioned my sexuality every time I caught myself ogling The Rocks biceps, and had to convince myself my junk was augmenting itself because I love the sound of bullets and cars. (Thank god Ludacris was in the movie to level it out.)

Male readers, here’s a word of caution, DO NOT TAKE YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS TO SEE THIS MOVE.  Seriously, she will definitely be thinking of the combination of Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Tyrese and the Rock, when you’re with her later. I know I was. I’m confident if they had a baby Twins style, you’d end up with a really good looking Michael Clarke Duncan or a prettier Venus Williams. So unless you’re man enough to overload your wife’s bean counter (I assume that’s female “spank bank”), I suggest seeing this one with your boys.

So why you ask, did I like Fast 5? That’s a wonderful question; now put your hand down. First, as you will see from the trailer, the women are hot. Jordana Brewster and Israeli hottie, Gal Gadot return, but they added the hottest Fast girl yet, Elsa Pataky.  I immediately went home and scoured the internet for nude pics of Elsa and to my gleeful surprise, I found a video clip of her naked from a 2004 movie called Romasanta: The Werewolf Hunter. You’re Welcome.

The hottest person in the movie not named The Rock

On a side note, Jordana showed her Brewster’s Million dollar breasts in The Invisible Circus. Actually her boobs aren’t that great, but Richard Pryor fans will see what I did there.  Richard himself won’t, because he is dead.

While the movie’s story line wasn’t riveting, it had a little heart and wasn’t solely focused on fast cars.  However, fast car lovers will certainly get their fix of extended car chases, cheesy races that serve no purpose in driving the story and an overabundance of car crashes.  I am pretty sure if Optimus Prime watched this movie, he would wake up in the middle of the night screaming, “Bumble Bee Noooooo!!!! Sam, why is your dick in my gas tank?” for months.

But from the beginning to the end, this movie was packed full of action: a mix of kick-ass combat, foot chases, gun chases and Chevy Chases. Okay, maybe not Chevy Chase, but I am pretty sure I saw two dozen Chico Chavez’s.

The Rock can smellllllllllllll what Vin Diesel's armpits are cookin

SPOILER ALERT: I left the milk out all day. I’m also going to ruin the movie for you.  The fight scene between Vin and Rock kicked ass. When I originally saw the trailer for this, I wondered how they would handle a fight where the protagonist/antagonist lines are blurry. In layman’s terms: were they going to have sex with each other?  I also wondered how the hell they’d have Vin Diesel beat the Rock in a fight. No offense to Mr. Diesel, but The Rock would whoop the shit out of him in real life. Here they sold us that Vin Diesel was fighting for his family so that gave him the extra push. I would have liked to see something more equalized, like a bo-staff fight, or beer pong, but beating the crap out of each other worked too.

Director Justin Lin, who has now directed 3 of the 5 installments, stepped it up with his action directing.  The highlight was the gun fight at the end of Act 2; way beyond what I expected from this franchise.

Now while it may sound like I’m swinging from Fast Five’s tip pretty hard, it is not an epic movie.  It was just a surprise, and definitely the best one out of the five. Just a different caliber of movie.

Bringing some much-needed realism to the Franchise

If you’re one of those people who can’t get over the impossible physics of some of the things they do, this is not the movie for you. If you only enjoy a movie with solid Oscar-worthy performances, this is not for you. If you think it would be impossible for 2 men to kill 15 henchmen running at them with machine guns, this is not for you. If you hate when 15 henchmen run bunched up next to each other as they approach two targets in the open, this is not for you.

However, if you like The Rock , Vin Diesel, Paul Walker and Tyrese sweating, (with a little bit of Elsa, ok?) you will walk away with a chubby smile.

One Comment

  1. The female spank bank is called the “touch clutch”.