Crap you should read Thursday (5/19)

The Heats NEW Big 3:

There’s one piece of news today that sticks out more than any other…UDONIS HASLEM (Go Gators) is back for the Miami Heat! Heat fans always knew U.D. was an integral piece to the squad (so did Wade and Lebron who took less money so the Heat could afford Haslem), but it could not have been more evident than in last night’s huge 85-75 victory against the Bulls. His line of 13 points and 5 boards doesn’t even tell the tale. It was his hustle, grit, powerful dunks, and energy that the Heat rallied around. Who knew it could happen so big, so fast? Coach Spo surely didn’t as he almost broke U.D. by leaving in the obviously-gassed forward waaaay too long.

The Heat tied up the series at 1-1, and now take it back to the AAA to play in front of a home crowd which will get pretty raucous once they show up midway through the 2nd quarter. Go Gata.

Heat Index — ESPN

What exactly is Keith Bogans trying to block here, Huge-dongus Haslem?

Gangs of DC:

With the rest of government locked in a partisan battle over the budget (that should have been passed last year), a bipartisan group of Senators known as “the Gang of 6”, has been attempting to negotiate the issues that have brought us to this impasse. Unfortunately, Republican Tom Coburn (Oklahoma) just walked away from the table and left the Gang for good, citing irreconcilable differences. Coburn envisioned a plan even more drastic than Paul Ryan’s Plan for Prosperity, and no one was giving into his trashing of Medicare. So yet another Republican walked away from the budget table because they aren’t getting their way. No such thing as negotiation…all or nothing. This leaves the bi-partisan group unbalanced with 3 Dems and 2 Reps, so with no chance for a consensus, the Gang is probably dead. This was probably the intention all along. Walk away means no group, no group means no plan, no plan means disastrous things for Obama and the Dems.

Will we be locked in a stalemate forever? Well apparently ANOTHER group of 6 lawmakers have been working with Vice President Biden to find a solution as well. “Biden’s Six” are now seen as the best bi-partisan way to bridge the gap and find a workable budget. I wouldnt put much faith in them, as they have the loose-with-the-facts John Kyl on their team, but at least its something.

I just think its funny that there were two groups simultaneously working on a plan. It’s a plot contrivance right out of the movie CONTACT, when the trillion dollar machine blew up, and magically there was another one already built secretly in Japan! How fortunate! What if both Gangs of 6 completed their negotiations and came up with plans? Would the Gangs have duked it out in a singing knife-fight, or would have Tessio taken his gang to Don Barzini while Clemenza took his loyalties to Don Corleobama?

Gang of Six busted when Republican leaves — MSNBC

"Give me back my Medicare!!!!!"

Al Qaeda names interim leader

Egyptian Saif al-Adel as the “caretaker” interim leader of Al Qaeda in the wake of Bin Laden’s death. To be clear, al-Adel is not the permanent leader, but an caretaker until the entire council can come out of hiding (without us blowing them to pieces) and get together to vote. Ayman al-Zawahiri, bin Laden’s number-two, is allegedly next in line, but al-Adel is respected enough to keep the terrorist bunch together for a short while. I’m sure it would be a smooth transition at that point, because from what I understand Arabs LOVE giving up power.

Another problem is that some of the different branches of Al Qaeda, like the Yemen branch and the Taliban, were beholden only to Bin Laden, not Al Qaeda. Will they respect a new Egyptian as their leader (both al Adel and al-Zawahiri are Egyptian)? Or will they say horrible things about them because of the color of his skin, and his funny last name, and then arbitrarily stand in his way even to the detriment of their nation because they want to get power back in a couple of years and keep the money in the hands of thew few mullahs and oligarchs? Man, I am so happy that doesn’t happen here….what it does? Crap.

al Qaeda names interim bin Laden successor — CNN

Saif al-Adel:Â Glee Club, Key Club, al Qaeda; Â Â Senior Quote: Â "Life moves pretty fast...if you don't stop to blow something up once in a while, you could miss it!"

Smegma in San Fran

San Francisco legislature will vote in November on making circumcision illegal. The proposed law is a complete ban on this “Genital Mutilation” for anyone under the age of 17…with no religious exemptions. Of course this will face many hurdles from religious leaders, common-sense advocates, and medical professionals, but no-snip activists are adamant that there are no health benefits. No benefits? Have you ever eaten the great food at a Bris?

Alas, the one second of pain and the one day of healing are too much for the Smegma-loving San Francisco-ins. You’d think that city would have more love for the beautification of the penis.

San Fran law sets to make Circumcision illegal — CNN

"The wine tastes great, they're playing with my thingie...This is a good day. Wait, WTF is that?"

US Sanctions Syria

US is laying sanctions on Syrian President Bashar Assad, as well as 6 other Syrian officials, to punish them for their Human Rights violations and their brutal crackdowns on their own people. The sanctions would freeze all their assets in America and make it illegal to do business with them. Pretty much the same as laid upon Libya. How conceited are we that we think this will turn the tide over in Syria? That’s like telling your neighbor you saw him hit his kid, so you aren’t going to give him his lawnmower back. He’ll find another lawnmower.

What’s funny is that Assad was welcomed by the US as a moderate, but in the wake of sweeping protests throughout the middle east, its obvious he is just a regime player with no interest in helping the people of Syria. Let us not forget that Syria is pretty much run by Iran, which makes the next story even more fun….

US Slaps sanctions on Syria — MSNBC

"Yes, in America  I believe it is called 'Bitch-Slap'."

Iran is Nuclear

Iran is now nuclear. The Bushehr Nuclear Plant is finally operational. Iran has been claiming for years thats its been pursuing this clean power for the people, but the world at large doesn’t believe a word coming out of their mouths. Why? Because the byproduct of creating nuclear energy can be harnessed for nuclear weapons. There is no doubt that Iran has been pursuing nuclear weapons, they haven’t been exactly shy with their plans over the  years. They just never had the nuclear part. Now they do. Iran has pledged to wipe others off the face of the earth, and are a proud financier of terrorism throughout the world. Needless to say, Israel has been shitting their pants over this moment for a while.

But have no fear, Russia is here! The old trustworthy Red pals of ours, are overseeing the spent nuclear fuel, and taking it back to Russia. What a great idea! Russia has been supporting Iran for years, they even built the Bushehr plant, and now they will be in charge. Yes, the same Russia we already went through a half-century of a cold war over their threats of nuclear harm. The same Russia created thousands of nuclear arms to kill us with, some of which are now loose on the black market after their empire collapsed. Great frickin’ idea.

Unfortunately its now too late for Israel to blow this thing up like they did in Iraq so Saddam couldn’t get nukes.

Iranian Nuclear Power Plant Now Operational — Jerusalem Post

President Obama and Justin Bieber on the set of "Iran Eagle"

ANDROID is hackable

Here’s some good news for ANDROID users: your phone has a cool name. Here’s some bad news: ANDROID phones are easily hacked on public WiFi. Particularly a glitch that affects 99% of ANDROID phones that allows hackers access to all Google aspects of the phone: Gmail, calendar,  contacts, etc, are all viewable. They allegedly have a software upgrade to fix the glitch, so update it before you’re screwed.

Thank goodness I have an iPhone. If someone got into my phone and could see my pictures, they’d think it was my penis’s phone.

ANDROID phones are easy to hack on public WiFi networks — Financial Times

"What do you mean, hack me?"

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