Crap you should read Tuesday (5/17)

Trump fires himself:

In the least surprising news of the month, Donald Trump has officially taken his hat out of the race for President. This should come as no surprise, he did the same thing in 1988, 2000, and 2004. Trump has often admitted to using the presidential race as free air time. He is all about brand awareness, and he knows that he IS the Trump brand. So why did the almighty Donald, he who leads many Republican polls, bow out? “Business is my greatest passion and I am not ready to leave the private sector.” Basically confirms this was about business the whole time. Not one to miss an opportunity to pat himself on the back, Trump added “I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election.”

I’m sure you do think so Donald. I’m sure you do. By the way, thanks for making our country more divisive with your empty rhetoric and distractions for the sole purpose of drumming up ratings and profits. You are a true man of the people.

Was Trump ever serious? — CNN Politics

"Stay Classy, America"

Newt Sucks

So yesterday I go and applaud Newt Gingrich for speaking out against the “radical…social engineering” of Paul Ryan’s Plan for Prosperity, but then he went and totally redeemed himself as a douche. He almost completely retracted the statements, and then spun it to make it look like the plan was never the social engineering he said a day earlier. So then why say it Newt?

Newt caught some heat, realized the sheep in his party base didn’t want to hear it, and flip flopped AGAIN to avoid slipping in the polls. Or maybe he went crazy to appeal to the ultra-conservatives now that Huckabee bowed out. Either way, Newt is is pretty unelectable, so watching him “run” and flip-flop on every single issue possible, is really just an exercise in seeing how douchy politicians can be.

Newt retracts statements about Ryan’s plans — Huffington Post

Gingrich tries to ignore the boos from his Right

Libya threatens more civilians

After a week of the heaviest NATO bombing of Libya, Colonel Qaddafi’s regime announced that they will use Human Shields to “defend” their telecommunications installations. Libya used to have one of the most advanced telecommunications systems in the middle east, but now after $1billion worth of damage they’re struggling to keep it together. The Human Shields are more than 20,000 telecommunication employees and their families.

I always wonder if these Human Shields actually know whats’s in store, or if they were tricked to go to these places. I can’t think of a single place that I’d hang out in to prevent it from being bombed. In ‘N Out Burger maybe?

Libya threatens to use Human Shields to thwart NATO bombing — NY Times

"Shields! Shields! Wait....I'm the shield? Fuck that!"

Mets still paying Bobby Bonilla?

Starting June 1, The New York Mets will BEGIN paying Bobby Bonilla 1.2 million a year for the next 25 years. You read that right. They will start paying Bonilla even though he hasn’t played for them (or anyone) in more than a decade. Turns out Bonilla was wise enough to hire an agent that knew to defer $30 million in payment from now until 2036. Pretty frickin’ smart actually. How is this not more common in sports contracts? This just in: The Mets are also still buying cocaine for Daryl Strawberry.

On a side note, one of my achievements from childhood: Heckling the shit out of the Mets bullpen with Juan Torres, getting then-Met-Bobby Bonilla to curse us out and flip us off to the point that Bret Saberhagan had to come over and apologize: Priceless.

NY Mets to pay Bobby Bonilla $30 million over next 25 years — The Fan Hub

The gift that keeps on taking

Michael J Fox on Curb

Michael J. Fox is returning to TV soon for an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Fox will be playing a guy with Parkinsons that lives above Larry, and Larry’s convinced that Fox’s character is intentionally exaggerating his symptoms just to bother him. Think Michael J Fox doing “Wendy Wheelchair”. Kudos to Alex P Keaton for being able to find humor in his situation, and making others uncomfortably comfortable with the idea of laughing at him.

Michael J Fox joining Curb Your Enthusiasm — Huffington Post

Teen Wolf was pretty, pretty, pretty good

Flintstones re-boot

Seth McFarlane (Family Guy) and Fox are rebooting the Flintstones for a 2013 launch. McFarlane says the show will be the same, but updated with new pop culture references. You know stuff they didn’t have back in the 1960s. What would a Bedrock iPod look like? What would Wilma look like with AIDS?  What type of inter-rock porn does Barney whack to? Is Betty bulimic?

Seth McFarlane rebooting Flintstones cartoon for Fox — Entertainment Weekly

Can Fred finally get Bedrock hard  now that he takes Viagrasaurus?

Lada Gaga is Queen of Twitter

Lada Gaga is the first Twitter-er to reach 10,000,000 followers. She announced the news to her “little monsters” with her standard self-important jibber-jabber: “I’m speechless, we did it! Its an illness how I love you.” Blech! This just in, the world is getting dumber.

With 9.6 million followers, Justin Bieber is right on Gaga’s ass, though I’m sure they both wish that was the other way around.

Lada Gaga is first to top Twitter 10 million followers — LA Times


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  1. Bobby Bo didn’t defer $30M in salary. Instead of being released with a lump sum payment of $5.2M, he opted to defer at 8% compounding interest. I would bet my life that Einstein’s quote about the power of compounding interest was not what convinced him to take that deal…

  2. I heard that Harmon Killebrew was the guy who gave Bobby B that advice. He defered 2 Million of his salary at 8% compounding interest in 1975 until 2012. Then in 2012 he would receive 15 Million a year for the next 10 years to secure a strong income in his later years. Now that was smart.

  3. I was flipping through the channels last night and misguidedly stopped on the Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I don’t generally watch network tv so maybe I am unaware of how low viewers’ standards have fallen… but I was genuinely shocked at how he/his show is so meticulously unfunny. He went out of his way to be unfunny. I have hemorrhoids that are funnier than him, and trust me, they aren’t funny. Who said reader comments have to be about your articles. I want a green hoodie like that tan chick with the sunglasses above. Shave it!