C-Nasty’s Running Diary: Bulls/Hawks

What a snoozer

by C-Nasty, Diarist

 

Dear Diary-

 

Today we’re tackling Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Semi-Final matchup between the Chicago Bulls and the Atlanta Hawks.  Why?  Well, it was the only game on.  But also, the winner of this series takes on our Miami Heat, so hopefully this shouldn’t come off as completely pointless…just mostly.

The good news is we’re getting to witness the newly-crowned league MVP try to close out the series in a hostile environment.  And that about wraps up the good news.  After all, we’re dealing with a Hawks team whose best player in Game 5 was a gentleman by the name of Jeff Teague.  Three days ago I didn’t know Teague was alive, let alone playing in the NBA. We’re also saddled with the burden of having to watch Joakim Noah, who in HD looks like he’s stuck in the middle stages of morphing from a transvestite into a werewolf.

Somebody find this guy a laxative

So how do I plan on making this entertaining?  My initial thought was pictures of naked women but I was informed that those were reserved for our sister site: “The Horny Ryno”.  At this point I can only hope that you’re drinking as much when you’re reading it as I was while writing it.

Pre-Game: Stuart Scott anchors the pre-game coverage from the studio, where he’s joined by Jon Barry, Jalen Rose and the blackest whitest man since Mr. Whitefolks, Chris Mullin.  I’ve never been able to understand the appeal of Stuart Scott, he sounds like he wasn’t allowed to use any slang words for the first 25 years of his life, then stumbled upon the latest edition of “How White Guys Think Black People Talk” and took it a little too seriously.  Also, why would you want him as a host?  He’s literally blind so he can’t read the cue cards and it’s gotta be confusing as hell to be an analyst and know who he’s talking to since he’s always looking at multiple people at once.

For tonight’s game we’ve got Mike Tirico, who’s turned into a great lead announcer, and Hubie Brown, who looks like they pulled him out of the crypt.  With the technology available to us now, there really ought to be a screening process involved before we just throw anyone up on TV in high definition.  Hubie’s one of those people that if you found out he died no one would respond “Wow! I did NOT see that coming.”

Sometimes Hubie's Wax figure calls the game

1Q 10:48 – Boozer starts us off with two quick buckets, which would be impressive until you realize that he’s only averaging 11 PPG in this series.  Clearly he’s trying to get all his scoring done now so he can render himself completely useless and be replaced by Taj Gibson for the entire 4th quarter like last game.  Hubie puts us at ease by tackling Chicago fans’ criticism of Boozer.  According to him, getting 11 per game from Boozer isn’t all that bad because you’re getting another 7 from Gibson.  Apparently Hubie doesn’t realize that Boozer and Gibson don’t split the money for that position, Chicago actually has to pay them both.  Boozer makes $14.4 Million this year and Gibson makes less than $1.12.  Sounds about right.

1Q 10:16 – On cue, Boozer proves his worth by finding an open Derrick Rose under the basket and firing a pass off his head and out of bounds.  Unfortunately for the Hawks, it goes out off them and we cut to a shot of Hawks coach Larry Drew who looks like he’d rather go back to working security at Hubie Brown’s crypt.

Boozer is a Horn-y fellow

1Q 9:16 – Deng misses a shot, then picks Teague’s pocket and dishes to Rose for up-and-under layup number 23540234987 of the season.  Rose’s layups look so aggressive when compared to mine.  To be fair, his vertical allows him to take off from one side of the key and still be 3 feet in the air when he reaches the other side,  whereas I barely reach the other side of the key if I dive and throw my arms over my head.  It’s worth noting at this point that I’m 6’5”.  I’m not a proud man.

1Q 5:35 – Literally nothing exciting happens and we get to our first timeout with Chicago up 15-8.  We come back from break to hear Tirico tee-up why Rose is so special from a coach’s perspective.  According to Hubie it’s because he’s coachable and accountable.  I would have gone with something like: he’s the fastest and quickest player on the planet and he’s averaging over 30 PPG and 7 APG this series.  To be fair, Hubie’s been dead for 5 years.

1Q 4:18 – Great high low pass from Boozer to Noah who converts the drop-step dunk in traffic.  He/she has 6 points and 4 broken televisions so far.

If he wasn't a millionaire, this would be the closest thing to a 3some Joakim would ever get

1Q 1:02 – Rose hits Deng on a back cut for an up-and-under layup while, in a defensive effort, Zaza Pachulia displays his lack of jumping and overall basketball skill.

2Q 11:07 – Apparently both coaches agree that garbage time, usually reserved for the end of blowout games, is going to start off the second quarter.  Chicago doesn’t have a starter on the floor and Atlanta’s only has Josh Smith and someone named Jeff Teague out there as starters.  Teague awkwardly collides with Pachulia trying to defend the break and comes down in Rondo-esque fashion on his right arm.  Time is called and a gentleman who looks a doorman at a Tampa strip club comes off the Hawks bench to rush Teague back to the locker room.  Apparently, now is the time for strippers.  (Correction: I’m told that was the Hawks’ trainer Wally Blase – if you would have given me 50 guesses as to what that gentleman’s profession was, none of them would have been trainer for an NBA team.)

Wally Blase accepting the "Penn & Teller: Best Dressed" Award

2Q 9:55 – Ashton Kutcher Kyle Korver hits a jumper as garbage time rolls on.  Al Horford makes use of said garbage time and tries to dunk on Chicago’s entire front line, including a young Judge Reinhold playing under the pseudonym Omer Asik.  You’re not fooling anyone Judge.

2Q 7:41 – Good series for the Chicago bench as Brewer finishes at the rim, followed by a Watson steal and dish to Gibson for dunk.  The Bulls starters haven’t played in over 5 minutes and they’ve managed to extend their lead.  Somewhere in the crowd Dominique Wilkins calls his accountant to prepare the $100,000 he’ll owe Jordan in 2.5 quarters.

2Q 6:03 – Chicago’s done a great job not allowing second chances opportunities for Atlanta (and no, not of the Ben Roethlisberger or Kobe Bryant variety).  Rose grabs a rebound, pauses for a few seconds, then decides that he can still beat everyone down the court and goes coast to coast and finishes with a driving lay-in high off the glass.  I went to a Heat-Bulls game this year and Rose is the fastest human I’ve ever seen in person.  Hoping to stay relevant, Usain Bolt runs by my apartment 4 times in 30 seconds.

Rose does his best Tracy Morgan impression on the way to the hoop

2Q 5:05 – Another fast break for Chicago ends with Rose hitting Noah for an and-1.  This is followed by Rose making his “Someone wiped poo on my upper lip” face and Noah making his “I terrify babies” face.  Bulls up 40-25.

2Q 2:15 – Teague returns from the locker room and hits a floater in the lane that cuts the Bulls lead to 12.  Chicago calls a timeout and holy shit I picked the wrong game to do a running diary.

2Q 1:12 – Josh Smith picks off a Noah pass, gives it up to Joe Johnson who draws a defender and throws it up near the rafters.  Smith somehow grabs it and throws down the oop, and for the and-1.  ESPN breathes a sigh of relief as they now have their one token team-that-loses highlight for Sportscenter.

2Q 00:04 – We head to halftime with Atlanta running no offense followed by Josh Smith jacking up a 3 that misses as badly as I currently miss a competitive game.  During halftime we find that Chris Mullin apparently couldn’t figure out when Stuart Scott was talking to him and just left the studio altogether.

"So if we don't raise the debt ceiling, our country may find itself....Are you getting any of this?"

3Q 11:42 – Boozer starts the second half off with another jumper while everyone in Miami shifts uncomfortably in their seats.  The Heat struggle with elite point guards and strong interior scorers.  We already know Rose is going to give us fits but if Boozer gets it going we’re going to have serious problems with the Bulls.  That is, of course, unless Chris Bosh somehow morphs from his occasionally loud but cuddly current dinosaur form into something more intimidating.  Like a kitten.

3Q 8:50 – Good series for the Bulls as they start to pull away.  Rose uses his turbo button to go coast-to-coast again and this time finishes with an and-1.  This is closely followed by Noah blocking a shot to start a fast break that ends with a Rose dunk.  Back in LA, Kobe tells his wife that Derrick Rose cheats on his girlfriend waaaaay more than he does.  However, ever since Shawn Kemp has retired, Kobe has led the league in rapes.

3Q 6:21 – Back to back jumpers for Deng before Teague hits a nice teardrop to answer.  Bogans comes right back with a 3 while Jason Collins looks like he spent halftime eating his twin brother.  There is no excuse for playing in the NBA and having the same definition in your arms as my third grade teacher.  NFL linemen I can understand because your weight helps with leverage, etc. but basketball is a game of agility.  You never see a gymnast built like Chris Farley, same principle here.

3Q 3:47 – Great pick and roll between Rose and Boozer leads to Carlos hitting another jumper and he’s now 9 for 11.  Joe Johnson responds with the Hawks first three of the night.  This leads to a Zaza Pachulia/Omer Asik confrontation wherein 2 of the 3 staples of the white guy’s usefulness in the NBA are on display.  On the way down from getting the rebound, Pachulia throws his elbow into Asik’s chest, who responds as if he was hit by a Ha-do-u-ken and somehow ends up near Atlanta’s bench.  For those of you scoring at home, we white folk are heralded for our fouling ability, flopping and 3 point shooting.  Though I suppose you could also throw in awkward celebrations (see Madsen, Mark) and outlet passes (see Love, Kevin).

This is how white people "poster-ize"

3Q 1:48 – Asik is apparently following along with the running diary and took umbrage at my classification of his play.  He grabs a great offensive rebound in traffic, Chicago resets and then Asik catches a pass and dunks over two Hawks for an and-1.  Bulls are up 17 at this point and Atlanta just passed 50 points for the game.  Awesome.

4Q 11:58 – To kick off the 4th quarter we see Lisa Salters interviewing Hawks coach Larry Drew about how to get his team back in the game.  Lisa asks what he’ll say to motivate his guys and Larry decides against the rarely utilized “I’ll buy you all happy-endings if we win” speech and opts for some clichéd bullshit.  Also, it appears that the organ player in the arena has given up on the game and is now just taking requests (we just heard Cee-Lo’s “Fuck You”).

"Just go sit in the corner and think about what you've done"

4Q 9:33 – Breakaway throwdown from Rose to put the Bulls up 21.  Spoelstra starts to break down game film by jotting down Derrick Rose and a question mark while Bosh whimpers in the corner.

4Q 5:42 – Rose blows by his defender goes up with the right and finishes with the left hand.  Save the occasional Rose highlight a grand total of no one is interested in this game anymore.

4Q 4:49 – Rose sits down for the night with 19 points and 12 assists.  He broke more of a sweat filming those Adidas commercials with the microscopic-penised guy from The Hangover. As someone who will be seen, and recognized, presumably at least one more time in public, why would you show the world that you’re hung like a naked mole rat?  Even if you’re already with someone, your wife/girlfriend has to explain that shit to all her friends.  Clearly Ken Jeong is not in sales.

4Q 0:21 – Taj Gibson scores the last 4 Chicago points to put the Bulls up 21.  Chicago’s second unit is scary good and plays very well together.  Miami’s second unit is scary old and the only thing they play well together is bridge.

Rose M-V-Peed all over Lebron

4Q 00:00 Bulls win 93-73 and it wasn’t even as close as the score indicates.  Chicago reaches the Eastern Conference Finals for the first time since Jordan’s last title.  The Heat are going to have to play very well if they’re going to compete with the Bulls’ youth, depth and suffocating defense.

 

Thanks for tuning in to the second running diary, I promise to choose more wisely next time when selecting the event for the next diary.  Hopefully there’s a competitive eating or vacuuming competition coming up soon.

2 Comments

  1. Clint, I can’t mention enough how much I enjoy your prose (pause in case Larry is lurking). Great stuff. Your quips are nothing short of genius (yes even the ones about me). Man, it’s been a while since my team was talked about as a contender for a title. Definitely feels good and can’t wait for this MIA (not the Sri Lankin singer chick) series. I’m sure the Heatles are favored, especially on betting lines, but feel the Bulls have what it takes to beat them (sorry if that sentence was punctuated poorly). But the NEW Big 3 are crazy scary and I wouldn’t be surprised if they beat us in 6 or 7. Go Bulls!!!

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