The King’s Speech on Round 2 Redux

by Jeff Horowitz, NBA Wunderkind
Heat vs Celtics (Heat lead 3-1):

The Miami Heat come home, up 3-1 after a 98-90 overtime stunner in a critical Game 4 in Boston. It was the first time the Heat won in The Garden since the 2006-2007 season. It was also one the biggest postseason wins for the Heat since Game 6 in Dallas -when they clinched the 2006 NBA Championship.

At the morning shoot-around, Pat Riley sent Coach Spo on a Starbucks run, then gave the team one of his patented motivational speeches. The Great Pat Riley spoke to the team about the importance of finally beating the Celtics on their sacred parquet floor, and most importantly – how bad he wants to end the Green Machine’s season and send Shaq into retirement. Chris Bosh was so moved by Riley’s pep talk, he immediately started sobbing, then unhinged his jaw and ate LeBron’s headband. Coach Spo allegedly returned mid-speech, but then panicked and hid in his hotel room taking turns doing push-ups and hyperventilating into a paper bag.

The pre-game speech must have worked, because the world saw 2 1/2 superstars (when properly motivated) handling an entire load, while the “Lesser 9” were mere spectators. The Miami Heat’s Big 3 scored 83 of the team’s 98 points. LeBron had 35 points and 14 rebounds, while Wade and Bosh combined for 48 points. Mike Miller came off the bench, and provided 4 good minutes…unfortunately, he played 8.

Not so brief side note on Shaquille O’Neal –whom like most Heat fans, I hate because of the douchey way he left Miami 4 seasons ago– has anyone seen him on the Celtics lately? The dude is easily 400lbs! Shaq – how are you so out of shape??? Actually, we’ve been seeing this same routine since 2002, which brings me to my next point: What does Shaquille O’Neal look like once he’s retired, and no longer has to run 25 wind sprints in practice everyday? Does he balloon to 450lbs? I guarantee that Shaq will be so out of shape in 5 years, he’ll only get around by Segway.
It’s starting to look like the Boston Celtics four year run of Eastern Conference post-season dominance is finally over. Pierce, Garnett, Allen and Rondo don’t have what it takes to beat Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, Chris Bosh, and Joel Anthony. Rajon Rondo can’t mentally lead this team back from down 3-1.
Charlie Sheen might be “Bi-Winning”, but Rondo is flat out Bi-Polar. I haven’t seen a more unfocused, disinterested point guard since Stephon Marbury was updating his MySpace page from the Knicks bench 5 years ago. Rondo’s on-court demeanor resembles a 70 year old woman’s creepy, tempermental housecat. Get on some Paxil man, everyone thinks you’re weird!
The Heat should feel extremely confident coming into Game 5 tonight in Miami. It would be great to win tonight, then get a few days of rest and masturbation while the Bulls and Hawks beat the crap out of each other.

"You want sugar or Splenda, sir?"

Bulls-Hawks (Bulls lead 3-2)

The Chicago Bulls take a 3-2 lead over the Atlanta Hawks, after a 95-83 win off 33 points and 9 assists from Derrick Rose. Forward Josh Smith led the Hawks in technical fouls, as well as halftime bong hits. Mike Fratello mentioned that Hawks coach Larry Drew “loves Josh Smith’s energy” even though Smith appears ‘sluggish’ most of the game. Umm… I’m pretty sure he seems sluggish to everyone, because he’s always STONED!
Fortunately TNT gave us more “Inside the Huddle” with Hawks coach Larry Drew during a timeout. Instead of repeating what was actually said in the huddle, I’m going to tell you what I think SHOULD HAVE been said by the head coach:
Larry Drew (Screaming) : “If y’all want our owner to pick up the tab at the Gold Club when we get back to the A-T-L, you better start boxing out and fighting through Boozer’s screens! Josh – do you want that skanky Phillipino chick from last weekend giving you lap dances in 5 hours? Then you better grab a damn rebound!”
While part of me would love to see an upset, there is no chance I want to be stuck selling Heat/Hawks tickets, so….GO BULLS!

Josh Smith has a hard time seeing the basket after his first bong rip of the game

Lakers-Mavs (Mavs sweep series 4-0)

The Phil Jackson era is officially over in Laker Land, as the Mavericks broke out the brooms on the LA Lakers. This win puts Dallas in the Western Conference Finals for the first time since 2006. Dirk Nowitzski said that as long as the Mavs keep winning games, he ain’t showering. Dirk also said if the Mavs happen to lose a game, he’s still probably not showering.
For the record, Kobe Bryant is officially washed-up, and also has ZERO friends on the team. Why? Apparently when confronted with infidelity accusations, the Black Mamba sold everyone out to Mrs. Mamba.
Vanessa Bryant: “Kobe – are you cheating on me again like you did in Eagle, Colorado when you sodomized that young white girl?”
Kobe: “Baby. I’m the ONLY guy in that locker room that DOESN’T cheat. Lamar Odom pukes thinking about sleeping with Khloe – he has to bang other chicks. Pau Gasol cheats all the time on Silvia. I’m the only one that’s faithful. I love you baby.”
Vanessa Bryant shared this tidbit with Silvia Lopez Castro, who then broke off her engagement to the Ugly Enchilada. When several Lakers said there were “trust issues” in the locker room, they weren’t referring to “Trust Your Brother” on-court stuff. They literally meant they cannot trust Kobe, because he’s a little bitch and blows up teammates to his wife.
Kobe pulled this same crap seven years ago, when he ratted out Shaq to the detectives in Eagle, Colorado – saying the Big Philanderer gave his mistresses “hush money” to keep their mouths shut over his extra-marital affairs. Kobe – you once again alienated yourself from your teammates, and your reign is officially over.
NBA rings : Michael Jordan 6, Kobe 5. Sorry buddy, you’ll always be looking up to MJ. Enjoy the summer hanging out with your wife and daughter everyday, since you have no friends.

"It wasn't my thought bubble, baby. It was Lamar's!"

Grizzlies-Thunder (Series tied 2-2)

The series is tied 2-2 after OKC won a triple-overtime thriller on Monday night, 133-123. Russel Westbrook had 40 points, only after hoisting up 33 shots, proving that he’s not interested in being a true point guard. Kevin Durant scored 35 while pulling down 13, and super-sub James Harden had 19 off the bench. Marc “Burrito” Gasol is officially better at not crying than big brother Pau, and finished with 26 points and 21 rebounds. Not only are Marc’s Grizzlies still alive in the playoffs, but he also wasn’t dumped by his fiancé.

"Bro, maybe  one day The King will give us more than a paragraph."

One Comment

  1. How I live for the King’s Speech!! Really hoping we take out Boston tonight, I really hate them. Did you see that foul by Bibby on Glen Davis the other night? Bibby wraps him up clean to prevent the breakaway dunk, tries to hold him up, then after Davis cleanly and safely tumbles to the ground, he laid on the floor motionless for 10 seconds like Barbaro trying to draw a flagrant before getting up laughing. What a pussy. Hopefully after tonight KG can spend the summer cursing his way up court after sinking 15 footers at the YMCA against some troubled teens and middle-aged white dudes.