Crap you should read Wednesday (5/11)

Obama v Immigration:

President Obama took his Bin Laden Balls to Texas and called for Immigration Reform. Obama is using his newfound bump in the polls to help him re-write the immigration code and possibly pave the way to citizenship for the 11.5 million of the illegal immigrants in the US. Of course this would likely require “amnesty” which would forgive illegals for all past debts, namely not paying taxes for the years they’ve lived here. This is a BIG Republican no-no, and will surely rile some prejudiced folks up. Obama is basically saying that we have an illegal subculture that needs to be changed. These are people that can be integrated into society with normal protections, and finally start paying taxes.

The most important benefit to this is of course to Obama 2012, because he’d seal the deal with all Hispanics. There is ZERO chance Republicans will let this go through, especially when the guy already already captured 68% of the Hispanic vote in 2008. He’d have an easier time passing a bill naming BET the National Channel. Come on, Republicans already know they lost the vote from those folks.

Obama Tackles Immigration Reform — BBC

 

"One Ring to rule them all, and in the darkness..." Wait, when did he get hands like Madonna?

US v Pakistan:

The US apparently has way too much respect for Pakistan, because we were fully prepared to take on their military during the raid to take out Osama bin Laden. Basically, nothing was standing in the way of us getting Osie-B, and bringing our guys back home. Seal Team 6 members were stationed outside the compound to take on anyone that came at them. Jets were flying nearby ready to take out any approaching force the Seals couldn’t handle. Choppers were flying nearby to help whisk everyone away, so that’s why the loss of the first chopper didn’t affect the mission; another one was inside the compound in 30 minutes. Imagine what would have happened had Pakistan not sucked so bad at everything. We were prepared to go to war with our “ally” to get this guy, they just fell asleep at the defense wheel.

Allegedly, we were trying to capture him, not kill him. The plan was to fly him out to Afghanistan, then take him out of the country on the USS Carl Vinson awaiting the North Arabian sea. He would have taken those awesome terrorist “woken from a bum-slumber” mugshots, and gone through some serious “debriefing” with a waterboard and some testicle electrodes. Then he would have been forced to be a guest on The View then to sit in the Boardroom with The Donald. Maybe not that last part. But Interrogators, translators, and doctors were standing by on the USS Carl Vinson, but alas, the poor soul perished.

Was there any doubt that an American holding an assault rifle WASN’T taking him out? I just hope the Seal Team 6 member that took him out was a gay, black Jewish woman with a spanish last name– that way we all feel like we got some revenge.

US was ready to take on Pakistan if they intercepted Bin Laden mission — CNN

"I'ma get Medieval on  your ass." Osama immediately felt at home

Reid v Boehner

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) called out House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) yesterday. On Monday J-Bone announced that Republicans were refusing to raise the debt ceiling unless Democrats agreed to Trillions in cuts. Sounds nice on paper. Unfortunately, mixed in with some decent cuts are obvious attempts to set Republican policy on our budget by overhauling our government in a way that blatantly profits Big Business while cutting programs that don’t fit their policy. Senator Reid said that if that’s the case, we need to completely end the tax breaks to 5 of the biggest oil companies. The move would save more than $21 billion over 10 years. What did Boehner say? NOPE! No chance.

Boehner keeps playing the “hardball” route, and he is constantly taking our country hostage every time he wants to push his policy. Every time our country is at its worst, he insists that Republican ideals be written into law, otherwise he and his party will watch our country suffer. Then he’ll blame it on the other guy.

Its obnoxious already. This isn’t being a leader, its being a kidnapper. Our country isn’t there for your political ransom every single vote. NEGOTIATE. COMPROMISE. The debt ceiling is high, $14.6 trillion, which is absurd. That is how much money we owe. Our budget is out of control and needs to be curtailed. But there’s the right way to do things, then there’s the Boner Boehner way of doing things.

Debt Ceiling debate rages on close to “deadline” — Retuers

Harry Reid calls our John Boehner on budget cuts — Huffington Post

 

"We're gonna cut Trillions, Mikey. With a 'D'!"

Microsoft v Google for Skype

Microsoft announced its purchase of Skype for $8.5 Billion…with a B. Though Microsoft will surely abuse the shit out of this purchase, its motivation was probably to spite Google and keep them from getting their hands on the technology that would save their unpopular Google Chat. What does this mean for us? Well, Facebook (which Microsoft has invested a pretty penny) will soon have all the Skype-ing capabilities, which means video chat right on your wall, and probably countless annoying public “stare at my baby” feeds. It will also mean cool video communication technology for Xbox and Windows phones.

All of this is part of an overall push by Microsoft to target individuals and not just corporate America…except for the fact that they are going to advertise the shit out of every possible square inch of your personal video chat.

Microsoft buys Skype — Reuters

Microsoft will one day be as cool as Justin Long

ESPN book v Rug Racers

Those Guys Have All The Fun is going to spill some serious beans behind the scenes of ESPN. Shit, that kinda rhymed. In any case, while the book will turn heads for whats in there, its whats NOT in there thats already causing a stir. Here is an excerpt that Deadspin is running:

You hear about the “Rug Races?” Well, [redacted] had this place near [redacted] and we used to go out there for meetings a couple times a year. There was a lot of drinking that went on there, a ton of drinking. [Redacted] and his buddies apparently called these hookers and in front of [redacted], he got them to lie naked on the floor on their backs with their legs spread and apparently [redacted] and one of his buddies kneeled down naked in front of them and just started licking them and sort of like pushing them along the floor, with their tongues in the girls’ crotches.

Yeah, that’s what didn’t make the book, along with 350 other pages of deleted material. This really isn’t news, I’m just going to do my part to integrate RUG RACES into our vernacular.

Serious raunch was cut out of behind the scenes at ESPN book — Deadspin

"That shot was as smoooooth as the underside of a Rug Racer"

 

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One Comment

  1. “blatantly profits Big Business”
    Can you please give one example?

    To put the debt and deficit in perspective…check this out. Something must be done, and now.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1X-qns-dM0U

    It’s the economy, stupid.