DC’s Local Food Review: Wendy’s

by Damon Colangelo, Connoisseur of Consumption

DC’s Local Food Review

The Wendy’s at 200 S.W. 8th St. (near Brickell)

This is the worst fast food restaurant in the City of Miami (not necessarily all of Miami-Dade County), and I’m not just saying that because I was dead sober last time I drove thru.  When I go to fast food restaurants, I like to sample several aspects of the menu.  Usually, I’ll get a combo meal of some kind (large/king/biggie of course), along with 6-8 items from the value menu–which is the second greatest invention of the late 1900’s, just behind condoms.  Wendy’s surely has matched the other fast food giants’ value menus in terms of breadth of selection, but not in terms of taste or quality.

Sure, I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, “Wendy’s is the only fast food place I’ll even eat at, it’s such better quality than the other places.”  If you just said that in your head, you’re either an adorable, slender girl who legitimately doesn’t touch fast food (except a few fries out of the bag when your drunken, retarded, unemployed boyfriend is driving you back to his place to make you perform oral sex), or a homosexual male.  We’ll get into the reasons why Wendy’s as a corporation is dying, but in the meantime, allow me to get back to my recent order.

Wendy works on the Special Sauce

I decided to forego the standard meals, and go with the new “premium” fish sandwich.  Allow me to assure you, Ryno’s Horn readers, there was nothing “premium” about this poor excuse for a rival to McD’s “filet-o-greatness” and/or the King’s (not Jeff) “Big Fish.”  I mean, you waited decades to come out with a fish sandwich, and you hand me an over-fried, under-tartar-sauced shark cartilage patty on a mediocre bun.  And no, I’m not afraid to order fish at a fast food establishment.  Don’t worry, all the meat comes off the same floor.

Moreover, the multiple value menu (99 cent) burgers I ordered were awful.  The patties were undersized, overly greasy and unseasoned.  The buns were mushed.  The lettuce and tomato tasted like they were sliced up in Central America, put on a plane at room temperature, then driven from the Opa Locka Airport to Wendy’s in a truck without air conditioning.  The bacon, which should be the easiest part of any meal to make taste good, was basically raw and discolored.  To add insult to injury, the catastrophically inept and unfriendly window attendant asked me to “pull up,” surely because my order required additional effort, as if they’ve never had a family drive thru before.  I’m just a one-man family when it comes to eating, and I’m tired of being discriminated against.

Not just me, everybody's giving Wendy's the finger

Look, the Wendy’s on 79th St. and Biscayne isn’t any better.  Believe me, I know.  I keep sampling it in hopes that it will improve, but the reality is that the Wendy’s corporation is a sinking ship.  Just look at their advertising campaign.  “You know when it’s real?”  Yeah, REAL SHITTY.  Bring back the red-headed freckled chic nobody wanted to bang, at least she provided some brand identification.  Slut her up a bit, though.  Come on, Dave Thomas is dead, he doesn’t care (the company is named after his daughter).  Does anyone think St. Pauli Girl is good beer? Nope, but the chic has huge tits.  I mean, I’d rather organize a bukkake party with Ronald McDonald and the King (not Jeff) than hook up with the former cartoon version of “Wendy.”  You don’t need a degree in advertising to know what sells…give me a naughty red head in an inappropriate outfit.

 

I haven't wanted to bang a cartoon so bad since She-Ra became the Princess of Power

Also, PLEASE remodel the actual locations.  The faded maroon concrete looks like a carpet-and-tile store that went out of business in 1981.  You don’t need great food to make money, just some style. Look at P.F. Chang’s.

For the record, the new thick-cut sea salt fries (or whatever the hell they are) were a step in the right direction, but not enough.  For years, people have said, “Oh, I just like the Frosty.” Unfortunately, these days, that’s the only Wendy’s item worth ordering.

Next week, look forward to my overwhelmingly positive write up of the Taco Bell Corporation, or as I call it, The Mayan Empire of Fast Food.           

Great idea: wish they had this sign at Happy Ending parlors too

5 Comments

  1. BEST.

  2. Funniest. Article. EVER.

  3. Wendy’s “special” sauce tastes SWEET!!

  4. I think the squareness of the burgers was overlooked by the author. I remember being little at the old NoMi Wendy’s on 125th and Biscayne and enjoying the corner bite with the meat and condiments, and just a little bread/garnishment. Truckin’ delicous….no? Actually, now that I think about it it kinda tasted like low-end dog meat. Gooooooood!!!

  5. funniest article ever. cant wait to read the taco bell one